Wooing LeBron James: How This Summer's Free Agent Pitches Might Sound

(When he's not writing for SB Nation, Andrew Feinstein is the lead blogger at Nuggets blog Denver Stiffs).

Yours truly got to sit in on several NBA team's LeBron James pitches as they try to recruit him to their respective cities...

Charlie Trotter's Restaurant, Chicago

Jerry Reinsdorf: LeBron! It's so good to see you in America's third biggest city. Hopefully we'll be doing this more often.

LeBron James: Not so fast, Jerry. As much as it would hurt Cleveland if I left, nothing would hurt worse than if I signed with the Bulls. The fans there still haven't gotten over what you guys did to them in the late 80s and early 90s.

JR: So you're suddenly worried about the feelings of a couple million people? Big deal.  Besides, you know the Bulls offer the best opportunity for you to win multiple championships.  Derrick Rose at point guard. Joakim Noah at center. Luol Deng at small forward. Taj Gibson, Kirk Hinrich and Brad Miller probably coming back. We're talking 2011 NBA Championship, baby!

LBJ: Yeah, but it's hard enough living up to Michael Jordan's legacy outside of Chicago. To try playing in his shadow in Chicago? I don't know, man.

JR: It's a non-issue! If it makes you feel better, I'll take down all six championship banners. I'll even relocate the Michael Jordan statue outside the United Center to my own house. (I've been looking for a new piece of lawn art anyway). It'll be as if His Airness never existed. That's the way Jerry Krause wanted it anyway.  

 

Paradise Garden Restaurant, Brooklyn

LeBron James: It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Prokhorov.

Mikhail Prokhorov: King James. There is an old Russian proverb that says a guest has not to thank the host, but the host the guest. The pleasure is all mine.

LBJ: Gotcha. Well, I've gotta say that it's pretty rare when an NBA owner is as tall as I am.

MP: Heh, heh. Let's get down to business. I have to catch a flight back to Moscow in an hour. 

LBJ: Um, ok.

MP: I believe you'd be perfect for the soon-to-be Brooklyn Nets. We're going to be creating history, from scratch.

LBJ: Yeah, well, speaking of history: y'all won just 12 games last year, have been a perennial loser except for a few good seasons when the eighth seed in the Western Conference could have been the first seed in the Eastern Conference and, last I checked, there's no Brooklyn Nets for three more years. Newark might be appealing to some, but my name's not Cory Booker.

MP: Heh, heh. There is an old Russian proverb that says a handful of dirt is pleasing if it's your own land. I will spare no expense to make the Nets - my newfound dirt, if you will - the classiest operation in all of the NBA. Each player will be treated to first class accommodations, including personal drivers, luxurious housing, the world's finest food, access to my yacht (wherever it is, I don't know) and, of course, the world's finest women.

LBJ: You sure that's not a violation of the league's salary cap...

MP (gets up): I must catch my flight.  My friends will entertain you while you make your decision.

(In walks five super models)

LBJ: Who are these girls?

MP (on his way out): Remember, there is an old Russian proverb that says if you start chasing two hares, you will catch none. 

LBJ: Huh?

Ponte Vecchio Ristorante, Cleveland

Dan Gilbert: LeBron, it's good to finally see you. Why haven't you returned my calls? 

LeBron James: Mr. Gilbert, you're driving me insane. After we lost to Boston you called me once a day. Then twice a day. Then three times a day. Then every five minutes. I told you in the locker room, I need some time to myself to think about all this.

DG: Fine, fine. But as you make your decision, remember: I'm losing millions of dollars just to make you happy. Literally, millions. Remember, we don't have the same local TV revenue or sponsorship money that they have in LA or New York. Wait, did I just say that... 

LBJ: Well, LA does have good weather and New York is the coolest place I've ever been...

DG: Point being, I signed off on bringing in old, expensive guys like Shaquille O'Neal and Antawn Jamison. I've given Danny Ferry carte blanche to make any move he wants, regardless of cost. I even had Mike Brown fired...

LBJ: Yeah, two years too late. I mean, did you watch the 2007 NBA Finals?

DG: LeBron, c'mon, I'll do anything you want me to do.  

LBJ: Mr. Gilbert, not this again.

DG: LeBron, anything. You name it. Want me to rename Quicken Loans Arena the LeBron Center? Done. Want me to strike an under-the-table deal with the Chinese to get extra cash to bring in Chris Bosh? Done. Want me to hire a hit man to take out Delonte West (actually, we might need two hit men for that one)? Done. You just can't leave Cleveland under any circumstance or I'll be the most vilified man in Cleveland this side of Art Modell. I'd have to sell the Cavs, buy the Pistons and spend more time in Detroit. I can't bear the thought!!

LBJ: I said I'd think about it. Will you please get up off your knees now? You're embarrassing yourself.

 

Shula's Steak House, Miami

LeBron James: Excuse me, sir, I was supposed to meet Pat Riley here but it's been 15 minutes and I don't see him anywhere.

Waiter: Oh, I think he accidentally double-booked his schedule. He's with Dwyane Wade right now. And I'm hearing through the grapevine that Wade is staying! We're guaranteed another 45-win season in Miami!

LBJ: Wonderful.

 

Le Cirque, New York

Donnie Walsh: Thanks for meeting with me, LeBron. Have I mentioned that New York is the greatest city in the world?

LeBron James: You just did. But I'm worried about this team. You only have four players under contract, and one of them is Eddy Curry! I'm up for a challenge, but come on.

DW: Have I mentioned that New York is the greatest city in the world?

LBJ: Your moronic predecessors, Scott Layden and then Isiah Thomas, torched this franchise to the ground. You had no margin for error when taking over basketball operations and haven't exactly done a bang up job.

DW: Have I mentioned that New York is the greatest city in the world?

LBJ: Making matters worse, you passed on drafting Brook Lopez in favor of Danilo Galinari in 2008. You passed on drafting Brandon Jennigs for Jordan Hill in 2009. And then you traded Hill, plus a future first round pick, for Tracy McGrady last season. Tracy McGrady?!

DW: Have I mentioned that New York is the greatest city in the world?

LBJ: Oh, and dare I bring up that you don't even have a lottery pick this year thanks to one of your stupid predecessors many stupid trades? I might be damn good at basketball, but if I couldn't get a team with Mo Williams, Shaquille O'Neal, Antawn Jamison, Anderson Varejao, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Anthony Parker, J.J. Hickson and Jamario Moon to the NBA Finals, how the hell am I supposed to drag Wilson Chandler, Eddy Curry, Toney Douglas and Danilo Galinari to the promised land? Even with Chris Bosh, I'm not sure I could pull that off.

DW: Have I mentioned that New York is the greatest city in the world?

LBJ: Well, I have always been a Yankees fan...

 

Nate & Al's Deli, Beverly Hills

Donald Sterling: LeBron, welcome to Los Angeles! You know I own half the buildings in this area.

LeBron James: Then why are we eating at a deli? Anyway, Mr. Sterling, just to be clear I didn't come to LA to see you. I came here to shoot a new commercial and as a favor to my agent, said I'd see you for a few minutes.

DS: That's what they all say. Look, the Clippers would be perfect for you. We've got Blake Griffin at power forward. Chris Kaman at center. (He made the all-star team, you know.) Eric Gordon and Baron Davis in the backcourt. Some promising young talent on the bench. And a lottery pick!

LBJ: You always have a lottery pick. There are three guarantees in life: death, taxes and the Clippers having lottery picks.

DS: But things are looking up here in Clippers Nation. We finally have a team to build around a superstar like you. We'll no longer be second fiddle to the Lakers in this city.

LBJ: I don't buy it. The Clippers are cursed. And no offense, but you have a lot to do with that.

DS: That's not fair. I've spent millions over the years on contracts for Elton Brand, Corey Maggette, Baron Davis, you name it. I even offered Kobe Bryant a max deal a few years ago to come to Clipperland. Donald Sterling has spared no expense to right the ship here. My frugal ways are a thing of the past.

(LBJ rolls his eyes)

DS (looks at his watch, a fake Rolex): Ooh, I gotta run. I have a meeting with my eviction lawyer. I look forward to hearing back from you soon. By the way, do you mind paying the bill?