Some Highlights From Zach Randolph's Crazy History

In honor of this morning's open-ended, completely legitimate question—"Is Zach Randolph bankrolling the Indianapolis drug trade?"—let's look back at Zach Randolph's history.

There are a lot of stories out there, but this article, from last summer in the Memphis Commercial-Appeal, provides some pretty definitive anecdotes from the man we've affectionately dubbed "Z-Bo." First, from 2007 in Portland:

When Zach Randolph asked team officials for some time off after his girlfriend's cousin was murdered in March 2007, the Portland Trail Blazers granted the talented but troubled forward "bereavement leave" to attend the funeral back home in Indiana. But the next night, while the Blazers were losing to Seattle, Randolph was across town at the Exotica International Club for Men. He left in the wee hours, without paying his tab.

And then there was that DUI after a Christmas party:

He could be so charming and affable, generous enough to spend some time with children at a Christmas function that December... even though he appeared intoxicated and was charged that night with driving under the influence after police smelled marijuana in his car.

And probably my favorite moment of all...

He could be so competitive on the court ... and on the streets of Portland, where police cited him for drag racing with friends at 3:15 a.m. in June 2006.

Gotta love good 'ole Z-Bo.

That last one's like an uncensored version of all those Michael Jordan poker stories we hear. "Yeah, he's so competitive, he won't even lose in poker!" With Zach Randolph... it becomes, "Yeah, he's so competitive he holds backroads drag races at 3 am!"

...And that, my friends, is why he's Zach Randolph.

So forgive me if I find this drug news hilarious, and not horrifying... My faith in NBA superstars has not been shaken to the core. Per usual, Zach Randolph's in a league of his own. And yeah, we should probably include an "Innocent-till-proven-guilty" caveat...

But at the same time, It's Zach Randolph! His nickname is Z-BO.

So, "A troubled millionaire named Z-Bo funded a weed operation in his hometown?"

GET OUTTA TOWN.

The same guy that inspired this criminal complaint?

The woman who filed the complaint said Randolph was disappointed that the [paid] sex show had only simulated sex and refused to pay her. After the show, she said, she had consensual sex with Randolph's friend and then fell asleep or "passed out." She claimed she awoke and found Randolph trying to have anal sex with her. She told investigators she awoke and "slapped" Randolph away twice. Ultimately, she told police that Randolph lifted her onto a table and had sex with her while she shook her head "no," the memo says.

The same guy with an MTV Cribs episode that inspired the Portland Gang Enforcement squad to look closer at his "unsavory friends"?

Just before he was traded to the Knicks, someone on the gang enforcement team at Portland Police Department told me to pick up the MTV Cribs episode that featured Zach Randolph because the police had a copy, and noticed some disturbing details about the unsavory people who hung around Randolph.

How can this be! (Oh, wait.)

With this one, save your shock and outrage for something juicier. It's funny and sort of sad, but not exactly surprising. It's Zach Randolph. Terrible decisions are like oxygen to Z-Bo.

The NBA still Cares, but over time, Z-Bo's made it abundantly clear... He doesn't give a f--k.

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