HOLDING STEADY IN TWO PIECES: The NBA Playoffs. Part One: Los Suns Ensure That Steve Nash Receives A Cavity Search Every Time He Enters The Country. The Phoenix Suns wore the "Los Suns" jerseys for their game Wednesday night against the Spurs both because it was Cinco de Mayo, and because owner Robert Sarver suggested the move as a way to protest Arizona's exciting new immigration law. The locker room approved with the support of the NBA and their opponent, the Spurs, and even the Canadian government chimed in to comment.
Prime Minister Nash, take the mike:
"I think the law is very misguided. I think it is unfortunately to the detriment of our society and our civil liberties and I think it is very important for us to stand up for things we believe in," Nash said of the bill. "I think the law obviously can target opportunities for racial profiling. Things we don't want to see and don't need to see in 2010."
Prime Minister Nash presents his passport.
That's pretty damning stuff from the head of state of one of our neighbors. I can hear you now: Steve Nash isn't the Prime Minister of Canada. (And Amar'e Stoudemire isn't an anthropologist.) Whatever: don't try to tell me Steve Nash isn't the PM of Canada. It interferes with my celebrity-based view of the world where the heads of state are always the one celebrity I know from each country, or at least as close as i can get to a celebrity.
President of France: the band Phoenix. It's like a power-sharing agreement with Tony Parker or something.
King of Russia: Fedor Emilianenko. If Dana White ever steps foot in the country he'll be eaten by radioactive bears.
President of Australia: Lord Humungus. Vice president? Luc Longley, but Andrew Bogut is waiting in the wings for the job.
Queen of England: Super Nanny.
President of Italy: A 2010 Bugatti Veyron named Giorgio.
Co-consuls of New Zealand: The Flight of the Conchords. Vice consul is the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings.
Republic of Georgia: Zaza Pachulia.
Fuhrer of Germany: That is what they're still calling it, right? Because it's Dirk Nowitzki on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, the band Rammstein on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, and Sundays are closed.
Just for fun, I'm going to walk around Arizona not in a Los Suns jersey, since a two game lead in the series over the Spurs means they need none of my help. Instead, I'm going to look suspiciously foreign and just walk around. My options are full Genghis Khan outfit (including tiny horse), samurai outfit, Australian park ranger (with boomerang), and French Maid. At the moment, I'm leaning toward the Maid outfit because these gams are too good to waste on an outfit that doesn't show them off.
TWO: HOLDING STEADY AS WHAT IS REALLY CHOICE 1-A: The NBA Playoffs, Or the Saga of Lebron's Elbow Which May Be Held Together By Scotch Tape and Happy Thoughts. When the most reliable source of information on Lebron's elbow is his elbow's fake Twitter feed...
...then we should just accept a definition of its current condition as being somewhere between "dislocated and floating in his arm" and "mildly itchy." Regardless of its condition, the elbow has soldiered on to keep the Cavs even with the Celtics despite pain and the dazzling distractions of Sham-Wow enthusiast Danny Ainge.
3. UP WITH THE FORCE OF A PHOTOSHOP LEGEND RISING: The Kobe Bryant Photoshoot. Yeah, remember that these are "internet important," meaning "not important but somehow end up going to your friends on Facebook, email, and Twitter anyway." Little else can top the miles of parody highway paved by Kobe Bryant's participation in the "Mamba of Arabia" photoshoot published in the LA Times Magazine, a collection of photoshoppable gold called "White Hot."
I'm a particularly big fan of the "Dapper Pilgrim" look, but it's hard to just choose one.
Fashion is performance, since a 2-0 lead over the Jazz can only be attributed to Kobe's newfound confidence resulting from the exposure to haute couture. Either that, or he gains power from his image being ruthlessly mocked on the internet. Either way, if you are a Lakers fan, you are booking an avant-garde photo shoot where he will wear a steampunk tutu and have pudding shot at him by midgets clad in gladiator armor if it will continue the Lakers' rip towards the conference finals.
4. UP LIKE A VOLTAGE METER: The Tasered Phillies Fan. As a nation we have a fascination with the tased, since only a communal appreciating of being tased can explain the hubbub over both the "Don't Tase Me, Bro" guy and this week's voltage fiend, The Tasered Phillies Fan, aka high schooler Steve Consalvi.
What is it about tasering that fascinates us so? Is it the voltage? Has it become the new rite of passage for young men wanting to toe the line of actually being shot or beaten by police, but not actually go across it? Is it simply too entertaining for its own good? Should high schoolers be tased frequently whether they do anything wrong or not? Are the answers to all of these questions "I don't know, why don't you let me tase you so you can see while I film it and put it on the internet?" Yes they are. Now just stand still and don't tense up, because that will make it hurt much worse than it already does.
5. DOWN LIKE A DRUNKARD OFF A PORTA-POTTY: The Kentucky Derby. Calvin Borel winning his third race in four tries at the Derby (as well as the fillies' race in the Oaks the day before), but the burning question the internet wants to know is DID PEOPLE RUN ON THE PORTA-POTTIES?
Yes, they did, angels, and they did so poorly.
Horse racing will enjoy its second, smaller peak of popularity next week with the Preakness, which should feature more outlandish behavior now that the Preakness infield will feature endless beer refills. It should look like Day of the Dead, but with lots of bros in fitted caps and horses 'n stuff. (BONUS POINTS AVAILABLE for the first Preakness infielder to actually ride a horse across the porta-potties and film it.)
6. UGLY HORRIBLE THING NUMBER ONE: The UVA Lacrosse Killing. Is it being talked about? Oh yeah. Is it funny? Not in the least. Andrew's piece on it is the only piece on the matter you need to read, and we'll be moving on to the next Ugly Horrible Thing we need to mention.
7. UGLY HORRIBLE THING NUMBER TWO: Lawrence Taylor Accused of Statutory Rape. Funny only in the sense that we thought Lawrence Taylor would be arrested for killing Joe Montana just to finish the job he started 26 years ago, and not for rape.
8. UP LIKE THE FORCE OF AN UNTIPPED WAITER'S VENGEANCE: Ben Roethlisberger, Documented Dick. SI's cover story this week contained nothing more damning about Ben Roethlisberger's behavior than you might have already heard: he made lewd comments to women, he treated service people poorly, he only hung around with people who told him what he wanted to hear, and that he probably drank too much. in other words, the best documented indictment of Roethlisberger isn't that he's a rapist, but more of a Gob Bluth-style dick-about-town. Mind his suits: they cost $6300 each.
9. UP LIKE THE DOSAGE OF PAXIL IN HIS SYSTEM: Milton Bradley Asks for Help. Milton Bradley is at least showing maturity by asking for emotional help instead of self-destructing in front of everyone's eyes. Meme Rankings have a deep appreciation for those affected by mental illness and emotional problems, and thus wish Milton Bradley well since he appears to be a "weeping uncontrollably at FX movies at 2 a.m." emotionally disturbed, and not "I'll just be here being quietly crazy and commissioning pictures of myself as a centaur" insane. When Alex Rodriguez investigates man-horse body-fusion surgery after his playing career, you'll see I was right all along.
Like this, but with more bronzer.
10. HOLDING STEADY ON A SHAKY ANCIENT ANKLE THAT LEADS THE LEAGUE IN SMILES: The Ever Present Brett Favre PR Death Star and Country Bear Jamboree. Will need non-major surgery to play, has not decided if he will come back, REPEAT INFINITE WRANGLER JEANS LOOP RUN PROGRAM GO.