Have I Told You My Reebok Story?

Remember the scene from Jerry Maguire where Rod Tidwell is talking about his endorsements?

Rod Tidwell: See the Reebok ad down there? Where are my endorsements?

No love from Chevy... No love from Pepsi... I ain't gettin' no love from Nike.

Did I ever tell you my Reebok story?

Jerry: I've got to get back to Cushman.

Rod: I'll boil it down for you.

F@%K REEBOK.

And... Scene. Which brings us to Reebok's latest ad campaign, starring John Wall.

Over at SB Nation's DC site, there's an extensive look at the new shoe, and it's all pretty infuriating. As a fan of John Wall, the Wizards, shoes, and the NBA, in general, I'm still not ready to accept that this is what Wall's going to be wearing next year.

Seriously. It looks like Reebok dropped a generic shoe in highlighter, glued foam to the bottom, and taped a plastic beehive to the side. ... Matt Howard from Butler thinks these shoes are disgraceful. ... Christ. The design team at Reebok makes Master P look like Tinker Hatfield. ... Aren't the Wizards colors bad enough? ... You know the Phenomenal Swag series over at Yahoo? These shoes are phenomenally swagger-less. ... As punishment for their World Cup performance, the French national team will be forced to wear these shoes in public for the next four years. ... Hey Reebok, Allen Iverson called, and he wants to opt out of his lifetime deal with Reebok. ... Reebook, do you have any idea how broke Allen Iverson is these days?

And yeah, I understand they're just shoes. But for Wizards fans, we want the John Wall era to be perfect. It won't be, obviously, but does Reebok really have to ruin things before he's even technically part of the team? How hard would it be to craft an ad campaign around John Wall? ... (thinking) ... Oh, wait. I got it. Three easy options.

1. Get some awesome piano music in the background. Then find early days footage of his first breakout performance (at Reebok Camp in 2007, perhaps?), splice in highlights from high school, cut to footage of his press conference announcing his college choice, throw in some Kentucky highlights, and then show Wall shooting alone, in an empty gym. Fade to black, and run with something like, "The Dream Continues" with the Reebok logo below it.

2. Find an iconic song like the Beatles' Revolution—or maybe an anthemic hip-hop instrumental, like Jeezy's "My President Is Black"—and then show John Wall walking through the streets of Washington D.C., visiting famous landmarks, and picking up a bigger and bigger crowd as he goes. One minute long, finish with him walking toward the White House in the distance, a huge crowd of people in the background... Reebok: Yes We Can.

3. Show a commercial where he's getting dressed for draft night. Again, soft piano in the background. As he picks out his shirt, puts on his dress shoes, ties his tie, etc, you intersperse highlights from his childhood basketball career. As his outfit comes together, the highlights get more recent, and finally, toward the end, we cut to picture of a rail thin, adolescent Wall, and then to a shot from present day, as Wall looks in the mirror in his draft suit. Reebok: Live Your Dream.

See how easy it is? If you're Reebok, you don't even need a shoe at this point. Just put him in the Questions from Iverson's rookie year, and structure the campaign around awesome ads. How hard would that have been? 'Course, Reebok botched the commercial just to be consistent.

A bunch of squiggly lines, and John Wall pitching "Zigtech: The energy drink for your feet." And you wonder why I continue to believe this is all a practical joke on Reebok's part?

But it seems they're serious. SB Nation's Mike Prada talked to a Reebok rep yesterday, who had this to say, "It's kind of like a Slinky. When the athlete compresses down onto the foam, it actually creates energy in return.  It actually creates less wear and tear on their joints, and it gives the athlete a little boost, a little energy in return." So, there you have it. John Wall's shoe is kind of like a Slinky.

Because what conjures thoughts of explosiveness better than a Slinky?

God. You know how I feel about this whole campaign? I'll boil it down for you...