2010 Home Run Derby: David Ortiz Defeats Hanley Ramirez With Mammoth Final Round

It's 7:46 now, and what legends haven't yet died have fallen asleep, but I have to admit that I didn't think this thing would finish within three hours. Nor did I think I could watch the whole thing without being miserable and without the aid of any beer, but here I am, living proof that if you want to make something go by a lot faster, liveblog the hell out of it.

The Home Run Derby trophy is actually an impressive trophy - a way more impressive trophy than the World Cup, which is awesome for baseball and embarrassing for the international soccer community. It's presented to Ortiz by MLB COO Bob DuPuy, and a comically giant check for charity is presented to Ortiz by some guy from State Farm. It's funny how the one decent speaker of the three is the guy from Santo Domingo. Ortiz gave a shoutout to the late Jose Lima, which was touching. I'm happy for Ortiz. The league leader in smiles beat the league leader in fun, and he beat everyone else, and he clearly enjoyed every moment. David Ortiz seems like a guy who enjoys every moment he lives. That makes me like him, and resent him.

Following Ortiz's speech and some closing words from Erin Andrews and the broadcast table, ESPN cuts away from the Home Run Derby and goes straight to the legends and celebrities softball game. Which - wait a second, this already happened! This is on tape delay! This changes everything. Of course they played the softball game in the afternoon. There are old people involved. I should've known this from the start. I'm so ashamed.

Erin Andrews wore two different outfits for the two different events, by the way. Women.

This is for all the marbles. And only marbles. Charities get a lot of money, and ESPN gets a lot of money, and fans get souvenirs and a pleasant experience, and David Ortiz or Hanley Ramirez will win a sock full of marbles. I don't want to tell them what to do with that sock full of marbles, but Will Ferrell can't be too far away.

• Three outs, one dinger for Hanley. He's falling apart under the pressure! Hanley can't handle the spotlight he so fervently chases! It's all an act and underneath he's actually an insecure and sensitive teddy bear of a man!
• Four outs. Uh oh.
• And Hanley hits a line drive 420 feet to the rocks in center field, followed by another moonshot to left-center, followed by a liner that he fists 400 feet to center again somehow. Now we have some drama. Some unforgettable, Home Run Derby drama.
• 7:34. The celebrities are all snorting cocaine, and half the legends have died.
• ...and there's the first mention of Ichiro tonight. Did you know he can hit dingers whenever he wants? It's time for Ichiro to just participate and put and end to this one way or another. It's been ten years. Give it the Mythbusters treatment.
• Four consecutive outs. Hanley's choking again. David Ortiz came out to give Hanley a Gatorade and wipe off his face, which seems friendly and sportsmanlike, but can also seem insulting and demeaning depending on your mood. I wonder if that Gatorade was poisoned. Hanley looks bad now.
• One out to go, and Hanley is six homers short. So much for drama.
  
• As I write this, Wikipedia is updated to the moment. 11 final round homers for Ortiz, and five final round homers for Ramirez. I think there's another universe, a universe half an hour ahead of everyone else, a universe populated exclusively by Wikipedia editors and Mike Scioscia.
  
• Out! Big Papi wins his first Home Run Derby! I cannot believe what I just saw!

It's weird to me that these things sell out. I can understand getting tickets in the field level, for autograph purposes. And I can understand getting tickets in the bleachers, for potential souvenirs. But who would want to pay to go to this and sit in the upper deck? How is that a fun way to spend your day? Do they offer tickets to this in a package with tickets to the All-Star Game as well?

• By rule, homers from the first two rounds are wiped out for the third. While is a stupid rule, and how Justin Morneau beat Josh Hamilton in 2008 despite hitting 13 fewer total homers. But good news! Ortiz and Ramirez came into this round tied at 21, meaning previous rounds don't matter. If you can't change the rule, make it irrelevant.
  
• One out, six home runs. Ramirez can go ahead and fall asleep. It won't matter.
• One out, seven home runs.
• One out, eight home runs. 
• Two outs, eight home runs. This guy sucks. 
• Berman: "If [Ortiz] hasn't won over the Angels fans by now-" Yeah, the Home Run Derby totally outweighs Ortiz having batted .333 against the Angels in the playoffs. That walk-off homer that ended the 2004 ALDS? Forgotten! Dingers!
• Fly ball just dropped in the middle of a gaggle of like twenty eight year olds. THIS IS A HAZARD SOMEBODY IS GOING TO DIE
• Ortiz's final round ends with 11 home runs, which is two fewer than Hanley has hit in the season. This is a tall task, and we all know how Hanley feels about challenges. He shies away from them. Because he's lazy.

• I just got this update window open in the editorial dashboard, and Hart already has four outs. Hart has had a very productive first half of the season. Hart had a very productive first round of the derby. Hart has had a very poor second round of the derby. Time to trade him before he slumps? All signs point to yes. This is analysis, guys.
• Zero homers, eight outs. I don't even have time to think of something clever, much less type it with my hands.
  
• 7:10. We've run ten minutes over and we haven't even gotten to the final round. You got my hopes up, guide button on my TV remote.
  
• A dingerless round for Hart. Ten swings, ten outs. First homerless round of the tournament. If I were him, I'd deflect and be furious at my pitcher. If I were him, I'd roar a lot and climb trees.

• As Hanley steps in, Superstar starts playing. I don't know if the players choose their own music, but now I hope they do, because it suits the narrative that Hanley is in love with himself. He's so selfish and lazy!
  
• Erin Andrews is interviewing Jason Heyward now while Hanley hits, and Heyward is providing very composed, mature answers for a 20 year old. Yawn. Heyward and Strasburg have the talent of Zeus and the personality of that rock fountain in Anaheim's center field. Or maybe the tarp next to the rock fountain. The rock fountain is multicolored.
• Hanley has caught fire, everyone. Now someone has to wake Hart up from hibernation. I would not want to be that guy. What do you do? Risk poking him? Clap really loud?
  
• I wonder if instant replay technology is available for homers down the line. Hanley just hit one close. I wasn't sure. Review!
• And Hanley hits a ball "to Santa Barbara". Which is like San Juan Capistrano, except on the opposite side of the stadium. Still foul, albeit several more miles foul, which would be more impressive.
  
• 12 homers for Hanley gives him a total of 21, tying him with Ortiz. Here comes Hart, with 13. I hope he hits eight.
  
• Wait no I don't

• They've been playing music over the PA this whole time. That music is live at the stadium, right? They're not just playing it on the background on ESPN? Isn't that distracting? Do the players get to choose the music? Do the players get to choose their adversaries' music? The song playing right now while Cabrera swings away has some guy with a gruff voice yelling a lot. I don't know if I could hit a lot of dingers if I thought the guy on the PA was mad at me.
• Longest home run so far: Matt Holliday, 497 feet. According to Hit Tracker Online, that would be 12 feet longer than the longest homer hit in the league so far this season. If the 497 estimate is right, that's interesting. If the 497 estimate is wrong, that's also interesting. You know what isn't interesting? Felt. Grow up and be more like velvet.
• Cabrera gets censored for saying a bad word after a fly out. Well, not a fly out. A short fly ball. No short fly ball is a fly out with these idiot kids in the field.
• Five homers for Cabrera in the second round leaves him with a total of 12. Which is fewer than Hart in round one, which means Cabrera's finished. Which is stupid, because this event was made for people like Miguel Cabrera. I've seen enough of David Ortiz. Everybody's seen enough of David Ortiz. Give Detroit a chance!

After one round:

Ortiz: 8 HR
Cabrera: 7 HR
Ramirez: 9 HR
Hart: 13 HR

The two players with the most round 1 + round 2 dingers advance to the final. Hart may not even have to hit this round, which, uh, that doesn't really seem very entertaining.

• I don't buy that the Home Run Derby could ruin somebody's swing. I do buy that the Home Run Derby could ruin somebody's back. David Ortiz looks like he's going to break in half with every follow-through.
• Eight homers before Ortiz records his third out. He's on absolute fire, which, if history tells us anything, means he'll either tire out and fall short of winning, or he won't.
• Did Nomar Garciaparra ever take part in a Home Run Derby? Would he step out and re-adjust his batting gloves between every pitch? I hate even thinking about it.
• 6:42, and I'm officially at the point where all the home runs look like other home runs. None of these are particularly new or particularly majestic. Somebody needs to hit a billboard, or a fan.
  
• Not gonna lie - liveblogging has actually made the time fly, and one could go so far as to argue that I'm not hating this. I gotta try liveblogging trips to my grandparents' house.
  
• Ortiz hits a pop-up and gets censored for saying a swear word. Smile level: medium. Just need Swisher to hit him with a shaving cream pie as he walks away from the plate.

• Andy Pettitte admits to having a dreadful mustache during his teenage years in a commercial. The Yankees played the Mariners just this weekend, and it struck me that Pettitte is more handsome than I've given him credit for. Now I'm re-considering. That mustache. I can never unsee it.
• Lots of Angels shirts and jerseys in the audience, which, of course, makes sense. Many of them must be wondering why nobody has circled the bases, stomped on home plate, and collapsed in a heap.
• With four home runs, Nick Swisher will not be advancing to the second round. David Ortiz will. Fun level: low :( :( Smile level: high. Papi's in front, and can only lose his lead with some sort of shameful embarrassment. Maybe a whiff? Papi would probably smile if he whiffed. This lead might be insurmountable.
  
• Or is Swisher doing something fun on the sidelines, away from the camera? I hadn't thought of this until now. A shaving cream pie and Swish is back in it! Fun level: rising!
• Here's Miguel Cabrera to be awesome and hit everything 900 feet. If this doesn't come down to Cabrera vs. Hart then the whole thing is broken, which, well, it totally is, but still.
  
• David Ortiz just called Cabrera a "big baby". Swisher leads the league in fun, Ortiz leads the league in smiles, and Cabrera leads the league in throwing up on himself. And now we've gone full circle all the way back to his drinking problems.
  
• You know what no player wants to do while watching the Home Run Derby? Be interviewed. 
• Erin Andrews couldn't stand out anymore if she were 80 feet tall and literally on fire.
  
• Cabrera hits a home run in the middle of a bunch of Yankee fans, and they all start doing The Monkey. Those guys lead the bleachers in fun.
• Seven dingers for Cabrera. Which means! The following players will advance to the second round:

Miguel Cabrera

Hanley Ramirez

David Ortiz

Corey Hart

I guess their home run totals from round one carry over into round two, which I never knew, but, whatever. It's 6:31. The 2010 All-Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game is scheduled to start at 7. Bad news, legends and celebrities. Or bad news, celebrities, and good news, legends, who get to keep napping.

• Will Ferrell joins the broadcast booth. It's 6:10 and this is officially no longer about baseball. This is like the Deadspin of sporting events.
  
• Music playing over the PA while Hanley takes his hacks: Walk It Out. Get it? He's lazy! David Eckstein would take his hacks to Run It.
• Five homers and three outs for Hanley so far, as he's hit the ball deep everywhere. It's like he was saving up all his strength just for this. Which I bet he did, because in the Home Run Derby the spotlight is on the individual player, and Hanley is all about himself over his team. Because he's lazy and selfish! I hear Hanley Ramirez invented direct deposit.
• Chris Berman asks for Will Ferrell's impression of Harry Caray. Ferrell complies. This broadcast is as Now as Chris Berman.
  
• Chris Berman expresses shock and awe at every single home run. He's either a child, limited by a terrible short-term memory, or he's the world's most convincing liar. WOW! A HOME RUN! HE HIT THAT BALL TO POUGHKEEPSIE!
• Ferrell ends his set by saying "and nobody knows this, but Hanley Ramirez is 47 years old." Always leave your audience with something unfunny and nonsensical.
  

• Berman on a Big Papi home run: "That ball had hair on it!" A ball with hair on it would get hit less hard, and would fly less far. A ball with hair on it would never be allowed to be thrown in the Home Run Derby.
• Hanley Ramirez just now shows up in the dugout, in the middle of Ortiz's set, climbing the stairs. Hanley, late again. He's so lazy! They should suspend him from the All-Star Game.
• A kid just went after a fly ball, missed it, turned around, paused, and fell down. These aren't even normal kids. These kids are stupid and clumsy. I would be ashamed of these kids if they were mine. Maybe that's why they're down there on the field. Maybe their parents abandoned them. I know I would.
• By the way, Ortiz has had a consistent first round so far, blasting seven home runs to right and right-center. Wasn't sure if I mentioned that. Someone ought to, since the broadcast isn't.
  
• There's a fly on the camera lens.
• Sign in the outfield: Every Swing Papi Nails it. ESPN. So clever! Except it's actually ESPNi. Imaginary ESPN. The square of ESPNi is ESPN -1.
  
• 2 * | ESPNi^2 | = ESPN2
• Eight homers for Ortiz, who's smiling as he walks away from the plate. Smile level: high. Ortiz's smile level vs. Swisher's fun level is the real competition of the evening.
  

• Attractive woman in a Taco Bell commercial attracts men in a crowded bar by keeping fresh bacon in her purse. Message: attractive women need all the help they can get if they want to find a partner. I don't think Taco Bell really thought this one through, on any level.
  
• Except I do kind of want bacon now. Too bad Taco Bell isn't the first establishment that comes to mind when I think about bacon. Taco Bell paid a few million dollars to advertise for Oscar Mayer.
• I don't have anything interesting to say about Matt Holliday's first round because Matt Holliday's first round has sucked a lot. Erin Andrews is taking an opportunity to have a chat with Albert Pujols. Albert Pujols, on the sidelines, while Matt Holliday flails away and hits pointless line drives. This doesn't make a lick of sense. I hate the Home Run Derby.
• Some late life for Holliday, as with nine outs he hits four consecutive dingers with the gold ball. Those four dingers cost State Farm $68,000. Haha State Farm

• Corey Hart is unthinkably strong, by the way. His last five home runs all went more than 450 feet, or three Jon Rauches placed lengthwise.
• ESPN films a special segment to tell us that bat speed is important. More important than pitch speed when it comes to hitting the ball hard. And here I could've sworn that Jamie Moyer allowed the fewest home runs in the league.
  
• Nick Swisher made an out and immediately started cracking up. Fun level: high. No glimpse of whether Ortiz was smiling more. Ortiz smile level: N/A
• Alex Rodriguez is on the broadcast now and the conversation has turned to almost completely ignoring Swisher's first round in lieu of talking about why the Yankees won the World Series last year, and are good again in 2010. First of all: I can give you a one-word answer to both topics. Second of all: at least save this conversation for tomorrow, when the Yankees take on the NL.
• Swisher is wearing a hat that's sitting comically high on his head. This guy! Fun level: through the roof.
• A-Rod says that Swisher was "so excited" about the Derby and has been talking about it for days. He finishes nine home runs behind Hart. Doesn't sound like a lot of fun. Sounds more like stress and comparative underperformance. Fun level: medium :(

• Just realized that when I'm typing at a feverish pace, I tune out Chris Berman and the announcing crew. Good deal. Might have to try this in the future. Whenever I'm watching something, and the announcing is really bad, I'm gonna pretend to type, or play the keyboard.
• Here's Corey Hart, who has already homered to left, center, and right field before making his second out. Corey Hart is one of my favorite stories of the first half.
  
• If someone hits a fly ball, and it's short of the fence, and a kid tries to catch it, and the kid screws up, and the ball bounces off the kid's glove or head and over the fence, it should count as a dinger. It should count as two dingers.
  
• Corey Hart's kid has a long way to go before he has Corey Hart's beard. Corey Hart's beard has an economy.
• Berman just said that Hart hit a ball to San Juan Capistrano. San Juan Capistrano is about 27 miles in foul territory behind first base. Oh Berman, you're way off. I would've said he hit that ball to Corona. 
• Hart has 13 home runs. Nick Swisher's up next. You enjoying this, Nick? You enjoying that you have to follow this act? Are you having fun knowing that you have to follow this act? You're about to be the league leader in frowns.

• Vernon Wells on May 18th: 1.002 OPS. Vernon Wells since May 18th: .695 OPS. At least the selection committee got a guy who's hot.
  
• The hitters don't wear batting helmets. One funny bounce on a foul tip. One funny bounce and they'll all wear batting helmets. I think Swisher'll do it. It'd be funny, and Nick Swisher leads the league in fun. David Ortiz would laugh about it.
• Only two homers for Wells after Young hit one. They gotta get some Diamondbacks to pitch this thing. I can't liveblog fast enough to keep up with this inept offensive display, which is actually kind of refreshing, given what I thought I'd be up against. Keep it up, guys! Keep sucking! You'll save my Monday.
  
• Coors Light is one of the official sponsors. If you went to a bar and drank one Coors Light for every home run somebody hits tonight, you might not even be legally allowed to drive home.
  
• Drinking game idea: one Coors Light for every Cabrera home run. One Stone Russian Imperial Stout for every Corey Hart home run. And one case of Old Rasputin for every time Chris Young makes contact. Alas, it's too late for those of us watching live. Which also works as a stand-alone sentence.

• Eight charity participants all wearing red, sitting in front of the dugout. Erin Andrews standing next to them in a bright blue and green dress. Does this mean that Erin Andrews turns her nose to charity, and is the most selfish celebrity currently in attendance? It doesn't not mean that.
• An underrated part of the Home Run Derby, and maybe the only part that I actually enjoy, is seeing all the children of the All-Stars sitting around the field with their fathers, watching the festivities. Forget the All-Star Game. I want to see kids vs. dads. It's easy to take things for granted when you're the son of a millionaire. The game would be a great lesson in humility. 
• Here's Chris Young taking some pitches, and then smacking some line drives into left field. You suck, Young! Line drives suck! Dingers!
• Forgot the other part of the Home Run Derby I like - watching those idiot kids in the outfield try to catch the fly balls. How are they still allowed to do that? They're clearly horrible. They have no idea what they're doing. And these are Major League hitters, hitting baseball really hard. How did somebody watch these kids the first time and not immediately think, hey, this is kind of dangerous? Kids are our most precious resource. 
• Chris Young has a .626 OPS and four dingers so far this season away from the very hitter-friendly environment in Arizona. Is anybody really shocked that he ended with one home run? Micah Owings would've been a better choice.

• It's 5:05. They're still clearing Train's stage off the infield. This is going to be a long one, guys.
• Big round of applause for Chris Young, as 45,000 fans in attendance overcompensate for the fact that they don't know who Chris Young is.
• According to Chris Berman, Nick Swisher "leads the league in fun." Based on what happened at the end of last season, I'm pretty sure Miguel Cabrera leads the league in fun. Or at least he used to before those counselors got all uppity.
  
• "He can hit the long ball, this left fielder for the St. Louis Cardinals." Well I should certainly hope so. "Matt Holliday - he's hit a home run before!"
  
• "He leads the league in smiles, the heart and soul of the Boston Red Sox." Get your stories straight, Berman. Is it Ortiz, or is it Swisher? Or does Swisher lead the league in producing fun, while Ortiz leads the league in enjoying it? I might be overthinking this. 
• Throwing out the ceremonial first pitch: Bo Jackson, who looks like half of CC Sabathia.

• So, given that the Home Run Derby always draws phenomenal ratings, and given that it always sells out, it's clear that there are people who, unlike myself, are actually entertained by the whole thing. A lot of people. A lot of people were also entertained by When In Rome and Leap Year. A lot of people suck.
  
• So every July, we hear concerns from players and officials that participating in the Home Run Derby ruins your swing and sets you up for a second half of disappointment. Here's one study from The Hardball Times indicating that no such phenomenon takes place. Which, of course, most all of us assumed, but it's nice to have some evidence. The only thing the Home Run Derby ruins is my evening, right now.
• It doesn't seem right that they're holding the Home Run Derby in Angels Stadium. Angels Stadium should feature a Taking The Extra Base Derby, or a bunt-off.
  
• Hey, it's Train, performing on an infield stage pre-Derby. Lead singer Patrick Monahan is 41 years old. Dress like it. I could literally camp in your wrinkles.

Welcome to the liveblog. You should know ahead of time that I've never managed to sit through one of these things all the way. A Home Run Derby, I mean. I find them to be meaningless and borderline unwatchable, for the following reasons, listed in no particular order:

1. It isn't even. Okay, so all the hitters get all the same rules. Fair competition, right? Laughable! For one thing, there's the issue of sample size - statistically, you can't draw any meaningful conclusions about a player's home run-hitting ability based on 10 or 20 or 30 swings of the bat. For another, parks often play differently to left- and right-handed hitters. Angel Stadium, for example, is harder on lefties than righties when it comes to going deep. That's an important variable. Finally, there's the matter of the pitchers. The hitters may love the pitchers they've chosen, but those pitchers are people, and people are inconsistent. These aren't pitching machines. If Miguel Cabrera's pitcher is unusually bad, or if Hanley Ramirez's pitcher is freakishly accurate, then that complicates things. That complicates things!
2. The pool of contestants is underwhelming. This is true most years, but especially this time around. As mentioned earlier, there are 11 hitters in baseball who so far have gone deep at least 20 times. Only two of them are participating. Jose Bautista, who leads both leagues with 24 dingers, isn't taking part. Joey Votto, who's tied for second, isn't taking part. Josh Hamilton, who's also tied for second, and who put on the most prolific Derby display of all time in 2008, isn't taking part. And so on and so forth. Why is Hanley Ramirez in the Home Run Derby, again? Between some players getting skipped over and other plays declining their invitations, we're left with something roughly comparable to the Pro Bowl, and I think we all know how many people look forward to the Pro Bowl.
   
3. Chris Berman. If you gave Chris Berman Morgan Freeman's script, and asked him to narrate, Shawshank would be one of the most unpleasant movies ever filmed. The only things I find the least bit enjoyable or endearing about Chris Berman are things he hasn't done. Like, he hasn't personally come over and left my bacon out of the freezer while I wasn't around. The only positive about Chris Berman is that he doesn't literally do everything he could to be awful.
4. It takes forever. ESPN has this thing scheduled for two hours. I don't actually remember how long previous Home Run Derbies have taken, but I know that I've watched them start, then gone off and done a bunch of other things, then come back and watched them end. Not like little things. Big things. Like mow the lawn, or travel to Pittsburgh.
5. It spoils something special. There are two things that make home runs cool: they're really valuable in the context of a game, and all things considered they're pretty rare. The Home Run Derby pretty much removes the game context and then features dinger after dinger like they're shot from a machine gun. Last year's derby had 82 home runs. 2008's had 105. 105 home runs in something like 150 minutes. The Home Run Derby is like the time I ate two big bags of York Peppermint Patties in one sitting when I was 13. I just had my first York Peppermint Patty since then a couple months ago. It was disgusting. The only thing that's cool about watching the Home Run Derby as it is - the only thing at all - is that some of the balls are hit impressively far, but so what? These aren't game situations. These aren't pitchers trying to make good pitches. They're deliberately throwing meatballs for the express purpose of allowing home runs. If we just want to see baseballs get hit really far, why not give the guys metal bats and make it a party?

Nine minutes from start time. I'm amped. You amped? I'm amped. Let's watch us some dingers. They are sure to be meaningful and exciting. Every last one of them.

Chris Berman either really really likes home runs, or really really hates them and wants all of us to suffer to the same degree that he does. Either way, he and his 'backbackbackbackbackbackbackbackbackbackbackbackbackbackGONE' dinger call have become synonymous with the Home Run Derby, to the chagrin of many who just want to hear the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, and the amazement of all the All Stars sitting around watching players drill more home runs in one round than the Mariners in a season.

To those of you who just can't bear to listen to Berman tonight, then, I come offering a solution:

Get ready for the State Farm Home Run Derby in 3-D. ESPN announced that this will be its first fully produced program in the 3D format. What you won't get, however are the dulcet tones of Chris Berman telling you it's "Back...Back....Back...Gone".

A separate broadcast team will cover the action on the network's new channel dedicated to 3D programming. Dan Shulman will anchor the show with Nomar Garciaparra and Aaron Boone calling the action.

All you'll need is a 3DTV, which would only run you a few thousand dollars. Go, now, while you still have time!

This isn't, of course, the only way out. It's just the most expensive one. You could also:

• Switch to ESPN Deportes
• Mute the TV and tune in to ESPN Radio with Dave Campbell and Jon Sciambi

On the one hand, 3DTV ownership, the language barrier, and willingness to watch TV while listening to the radio are serious obstacles. On the other hand, Berman.