It's been a tumultuous and often dangerous World Cup journey for our international media darling, Paul the Psychic Octopus. He threw his home country into a tailspin by correctly foretelling their on-field doom, weathered* death threats from jilted tapas aficionados, took shelter under the protective auspices of a foreign government, and suffered the indignity of unauthorized biographical details leaking to the press. Today, finally, the world's foremost eight-legged oracle gets his just desserts:
Paul the oracle octopus was given a replica of the World Cup on Monday as a reward for his perfect eight-for-eight record in picking matches as bettors worldwide collected their winnings based on his selections.
"We've had a lot of offers for Paul but he will definitely be staying with us and returning to his old job - making children smile," Sea Life spokeswoman Tanja Munzig in Oberhausen told Reuters after presenting Paul with the World Cup replica.
For now, dear lady, For now. Paul may be killing time in Sea Life Oberhausen while he entertains more glamorous entreaties, but when he outstrips and outclasses Tom Jones as the most clamored-over showman in Las Vegas, we'll all say we knew him when. (If he mauls Criss Angel in a horrific accident along the way, we will construct our own trophy for him made of only the finest octopus ladies.)
*Weathered because, to review, Paul is a cephalopod and does not understand human speech, but whatever; we're in this now.