Thoughts On Miguel Cabrera's First Round In The 2010 Home Run Derby

• Andy Pettitte admits to having a dreadful mustache during his teenage years in a commercial. The Yankees played the Mariners just this weekend, and it struck me that Pettitte is more handsome than I've given him credit for. Now I'm re-considering. That mustache. I can never unsee it.
• Lots of Angels shirts and jerseys in the audience, which, of course, makes sense. Many of them must be wondering why nobody has circled the bases, stomped on home plate, and collapsed in a heap.
• With four home runs, Nick Swisher will not be advancing to the second round. David Ortiz will. Fun level: low :( :( Smile level: high. Papi's in front, and can only lose his lead with some sort of shameful embarrassment. Maybe a whiff? Papi would probably smile if he whiffed. This lead might be insurmountable.
  
• Or is Swisher doing something fun on the sidelines, away from the camera? I hadn't thought of this until now. A shaving cream pie and Swish is back in it! Fun level: rising!
• Here's Miguel Cabrera to be awesome and hit everything 900 feet. If this doesn't come down to Cabrera vs. Hart then the whole thing is broken, which, well, it totally is, but still.
  
• David Ortiz just called Cabrera a "big baby". Swisher leads the league in fun, Ortiz leads the league in smiles, and Cabrera leads the league in throwing up on himself. And now we've gone full circle all the way back to his drinking problems.
  
• You know what no player wants to do while watching the Home Run Derby? Be interviewed. 
• Erin Andrews couldn't stand out anymore if she were 80 feet tall and literally on fire.
  
• Cabrera hits a home run in the middle of a bunch of Yankee fans, and they all start doing The Monkey. Those guys lead the bleachers in fun.
• Seven dingers for Cabrera. Which means! The following players will advance to the second round:

Miguel Cabrera

Hanley Ramirez

David Ortiz

Corey Hart

I guess their home run totals from round one carry over into round two, which I never knew, but, whatever. It's 6:31. The 2010 All-Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game is scheduled to start at 7. Bad news, legends and celebrities. Or bad news, celebrities, and good news, legends, who get to keep napping.