Thoughts On Hanley Ramirez's Final Round In The 2010 Home Run Derby

This is for all the marbles. And only marbles. Charities get a lot of money, and ESPN gets a lot of money, and fans get souvenirs and a pleasant experience, and David Ortiz or Hanley Ramirez will win a sock full of marbles. I don't want to tell them what to do with that sock full of marbles, but Will Ferrell can't be too far away.

• Three outs, one dinger for Hanley. He's falling apart under the pressure! Hanley can't handle the spotlight he so fervently chases! It's all an act and underneath he's actually an insecure and sensitive teddy bear of a man!
• Four outs. Uh oh.
• And Hanley hits a line drive 420 feet to the rocks in center field, followed by another moonshot to left-center, followed by a liner that he fists 400 feet to center again somehow. Now we have some drama. Some unforgettable, Home Run Derby drama.
• 7:34. The celebrities are all snorting cocaine, and half the legends have died.
• ...and there's the first mention of Ichiro tonight. Did you know he can hit dingers whenever he wants? It's time for Ichiro to just participate and put and end to this one way or another. It's been ten years. Give it the Mythbusters treatment.
• Four consecutive outs. Hanley's choking again. David Ortiz came out to give Hanley a Gatorade and wipe off his face, which seems friendly and sportsmanlike, but can also seem insulting and demeaning depending on your mood. I wonder if that Gatorade was poisoned. Hanley looks bad now.
• One out to go, and Hanley is six homers short. So much for drama.
  
• As I write this, Wikipedia is updated to the moment. 11 final round homers for Ortiz, and five final round homers for Ramirez. I think there's another universe, a universe half an hour ahead of everyone else, a universe populated exclusively by Wikipedia editors and Mike Scioscia.
  
• Out! Big Papi wins his first Home Run Derby! I cannot believe what I just saw!