Fake Scoop: From Einstein To Ali To Ocho Cinco, Swagger Is All Around Us

With the news of Madden 2011's new swagger rating, we at SB Nation got to thinking. What exactly constitutes "swagger"? For the answer, we went to America's foremost professor on the matter, Fake Scoop. His lesson, below.

What is swagger?

Swagger is pornography.

You know it when you see it. Word to Potter Stewart—we're doling out Supreme knowledge.

Justice_potter_stewart_medium

Swagger is in the earth, the wind, and the stars. Swagger is on Jupiter, but it's not on Mars. Swagger is a fly swatter for the haters. Insect repellent to the suckers. Swagger is Carl Lewis, not Carl Withers. Swagger is not being afraid to color outside the lines, because true players make their own rules.

The rules say you can't write swagger 125 times in a row and still be called a journalist.

Swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger swagger. 

Oops.

Looks like Uncle Scoop just printed off a new rulebook at Kinkos.

So what is swagger? If you have to ask the question, you must not be the answer.

82700980_medium

Chad Javon Johnson was born on January 9, 1978. But sure as puppies become pitbulls, when you're that fly, it's impossible to stay grounded. He's Ocho Cinco now. And I know what you're thinking, Mexico.

"But Senor Scoop! Ees no el tranlascion correctomundo!" Heh.

SMH at the Mexico haters. What? Y'all forgot? Swagger doesn't need a Spanish-English dictionary. And since we got Ocho Cinco all up in the projector's grill, three lessons from Ocho:

  1. Like Montezuma's revenge, swagger has a mind of its own.
  2. It's not 85 we're translating here. It's EIGHT-FIVE. That's how you say a number with swagger. Ochenta-y-cinco? No sir. Never that. Ocho Cinco. Swagger mathematics.
  3. Swagger is ignoring the fundamental tenets of grammar and logic. Do what you do, playa. Bend the standards of society to meet your own swag. Bling bling is in the dictionary, and Larry Bird made it cool to have a blonde mustache. Any questions?

The man went and legally changed his name. What's infinity raised to the infinite power? That's the amount of swag it takes to walk into a Florida DMV and tell the clerk that Chad Johnson is as dead as rock'n'roll. It's Hip-Hop's turn at the mic.

Sorry haters, but the message got lost en route to the destination.

System Notification: Delivery Status (Failure).

Guess we gotta send the hate back to the haters. Can't argue with O.G. Mail.

1847814_medium

Lesson number two, classroom. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. Muhammad Ali paved the way for him, her, you, and me. No is not an acceptable answer, and they were asking the wrong questions anyway. How can we fight a war over there when there's a war going on at home? Riddle me that, Lyndon Baines.

Ali was Ochocinco before Chad Javon was born. Cassius Clay, anyone? No sir. He had to go the DMV and let 'em know what time it is. Then it was time to take a stand. Swagger is the best in flesh, putting the U.S. Government to the test. What did the five fingers say to the U.S. Government's face?

F—k your couch.

Cold Blooded.

Give It To Me Baby.

Muhammad Ali. The swagger Super Freak. Hell of a drug in the '60s and '70s. 

Who knew he'd cause an outbreak in the future? The little brown monkey on the Establishment's back infected a generation. Can't argue with destiny though. Can you? No sir. Uncle Scoop learned that when he went on a tour with Public Enemy in mid-'90s Asia. A tree grows in Brooklyn, a rose grew from concrete, a love child happened in Hiroshima.

It Was Written long before '96.

Larrybird_medium

Psst... Come over to Uncle Scoop so he can tell you a little secret.

Larry Bird had swagger. Mustache-mullet swag.

Bill Clinton had swagger. Adultery was the jump-off in the late-90s.

Drew Brees has swagger. The boy made birthmarks ballin.

Steve Nash has that Canadian Tuxedo swag. What more I can say?

It's not about race, it's about great. That's the final lesson for the class. Swagger is universal. Even some of the Mexico haters mad at Chad--they could have swag. You may know her by M.I.A., but Uncle Scoop met Maya Arulprgasam back in the day, playin' pickup soccer.in Sri Lanka with Too Short. Maya had swagger then, just like she did when she performed at the Grammy's pregnant. You're born with it, baby.

What do YOU know about performing during pregnancy? That's that Sri Lankan swag.

Can't teach it. Can't put it in a powerade bottle and give to it LeBron. The invitation to the players ball is non-transferable. Remember that like Lindsay Lohan in The Parent Trap.

You can't define swagger. It's an idea. A theory. Like relativity. Swagger is Albert Einstein breaking bread with Don King after a Tyson fight. I was at that table, y'all. You know what that feels like?

It can't be explained. All you can do is exemplify.

What did Diddy do this time? He broke it down for y'all. We'll end here.

I believe,
therefore I am.
It's a power.
It's a strength.
It's a responsibility.
It's a new day.
You are what you say you are.
I am king.

It's Swagger. Now if you'll excuse me, haters, Uncle Scoop's got to go meet Puffy in Monte Carlo.

For some background, Fake Scoop began as a parody of an unnamed writer, but he's graduated since then. Now, he's an individual entity. An alter-ego that exists at the nexus of sports, culture, hip-hop, and haters. Take this stuff seriously at your own risk. Follow him on Twitter at @FakeScoop.

(All photos used courtesy of Getty Images)

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Spinner

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.