Robbie Caldwell is Vanderbilt’s interim football coach and turkey insemination expert, set a new land speed record for maximum folksiness in 40 minutes of pure South Carolina life lessons.
It’s hard to summarize exactly what just happened, but let’s review the quotes and let them stand for themselves.
On his initial reaction to getting the job:
Man this is so awesome.
If it’s two days or 20 years, I can now say ’Man, I was a head coach one time.'
On how his life is appropriately similar to a Nashville country song:
I came from a broken home.
On his unparalleled name recognition:
I know the first question you’re asking, ‘Who is Bobby Caldwell?’
On his PR skills:
I typically stick my foot in my mouth.
On his high-profile public image:
I got to see Coach Richt and Coach Spurrier today. They have no idea who I am.
On what he was doing the day he found out he was the interim coach:
I was out lining the field. I’m going from lining the field to being a head coach in the SEC.
On being confused for service personnel in the past 24 hours:
Last night I opened the door at the restaurant for someone and people were giving me tips….I got about a dollar fifty, but I gave it back to him. I thought that was pretty good, though.
On keeping Bobby Johnson’s profanity ban in place in practices:
I’m no angel. It’s just a matter of vocabulary. I do have an education, though you can’t tell from the way I talk.
On Bobby Johnson’s response to taking his full-time offer at lower pay to become an assistant at Furman:
He said ‘Boy you’re an idiot,’ and I continued to live up to his words.
On habits he needs to quit as a new headcoach:
I was emptying the trash at practice and they were like, ‘No, no you can’t do that.’
On his upbringing in Pageland, SC:
You had to like watermelon, hunting and fishing, and frog-gigging, and played ball. We played sports to get out of work.
On his first job:
My first job was on the turkey farm. I don’t know if I can tell you what my job was, but I was on the insemination crew. That was a good job. We got paid by the hour.
On the possibility that any of the SEC writers present might be extraterrestrials:
I don’t think any of you are from outer space.
In response to a question on whether his duties at the turkey farm had hindered his ability to enjoy Thanksgiving:
(OPENS JACKET, FLASHES GIRTH FOR CAMERAS)
On the various intelligences of types of turkey:
"A wild turkey's one of the smartest animals in the world, and a domestic turkey is one of the world's dumbest animals, I tell you what. We had to put sprinklers out there to keep them from smothering in the summertime."
On turkey insemination:
"It's an interesting process. I'd be happy to show you sometime."
And Robbie Caldwell takes his trophy, exits the room, and leaves as the man who slayed SEC Media Days, strapped it to the hood of his truck, and drove it home to mount its horned head on his living room wall. Unless Steve Spurrier comes in and rips into every coach in the SEC in a 40 minute tirade, the interim coach for Vandy just won SEC Media Days for 2010.