Josh Howard, Apparently The NBA's Answer To Ol' Dirty Bastard

Sunday night in D.C., Kobe Bryant spent his night drinking alone on the W hotel rooftop.

But if you think that's odd, take a second to read this description of Wizards' SF Josh Howard—from a completely unreliable, but hilarious source. First, our narrator meets Brendan Haywood, who's not that hood:

Brendan is a guy who enjoys muliti-cultural environments because they tend to be much safer, and the women seem to be much much nicer. ... Anyway, we warned him that this night for this club sometimes can become a little hood. Brendan listened to what we had to say and he asked, "Now, is this club just a little hood or is it Josh Howard hood"?

What's Josh Howard Hood, you ask? Well, then our narrator introduces us to Josh Howard.

I had never been to a Josh Howard party nor had I met him personally, so I wasn’t sure exactly what he meant. That was until I recently sang the National Anthem at Josh Howard’s Celebrity Softball Charity Game.

Note: Just by hosting a Celebrity Softball Charity Game, Howard has established his hood credentials. Charity softball games are the White Parties of charity sporting events. If you're attending a celebrity softball game, there's an 85% chance that Allen Iverson, Dajuan Wagner, and the Vick brothers will be there. No judgement here, but... Softball is more hood than it sounds. Anyway, back to the story:

All I can say is Josh Howard is sooo much more hood then just hood. His staff of hometown homeboys who sometimes need to "smoke one" when under pressure were an interesting trio. The after party at the House of Blues looked like a Big T’s Bazaar fashion show. There were over sized gold chains, discount baby phat outfits and ass…just a whole lot of ass (tragic just tragic).

Hood is just that hood…Josh Howard Hood is hood on steroids, everything hood times ten.

Thank God it's August and there's nothing going on in the world of sports. This story really deserves our full and undivided attention. Partly because our narrator's awesome. A few thoughts:

  • How hood is "sooo much more hood then just hood"? Was he walking around with a handful of Newports, a bottle of Olde English, a broken pager on his belt, and no shoes? Because that's what it sounds like.
  • His staff of hometown homeboys who sometimes need to "smoke one" when under pressure. Is there any staff of "hometown homeboys" that doesn't need to "smoke one" as often as possible?
  • The after party at the House of Blues looked like a Big T’s Bazaar fashion show. As white people go, I consider myself pretty "down" and "with it." But I have no idea what her analogy means there. Luckily...
  • There were over sized gold chains, discount baby phat outfits and ass…just a whole lot of ass (tragic just tragic). Ass, just a whole lot of ass. Strangely, I know exactly what that means. There were just... ASSES OUT URRRRRYWHERE.

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And finally, "Josh Howard is hood on steroids. Everything hood times ten." So basically, his life is Friday and Belly combined, plus "hometown homeboys" and "Big T's Bazaar Fashion Show" and ass. Just a whole lot of ass. So glad the Wizards resigned him.

I mean, if Kobe was at the W Sunday night... Imagine what Josh Howard was doing.

We could end with DJ Khaled's "I'm So Hood," but honestly, Josh Howard sounds like more of a Messy Marv type guy.

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