Jacory Harris Fights His Inner Grossman, And 99 Other Thoughts About The 2010 College Football Season

Spencer Hall runs through exactly 100 of the most random thoughts possible on college football's upcoming season. They may not all be factual, but they're certainly accurate, if you catch our drift.

 

100. Boise State's Kellen Moore has beautiful footwork. He will never take off his shoes on national television, because if he did you would see that he has no feet and four hands. It's not easy being a quarterback who can type with his feet, but he bears the burden well. 

99. The Thursday Night games on ESPN this year are more than the usual paltry hors d'oeuvres for the weekend: Auburn/Miss State, Miami at Pitt, Texas A&M at Oklahoma State, South Florida at West Virginia...okay, these are the usual hors d'oeuvres. We're all just very hungry for football, and anything sounds like fillet mignon at this point.  

98. Arkansas running back Ronnie Wingo has a spectacular name, and more spectacular when heard in an Arkansas accent. 

97. Oregon will travel to Knoxville, look horrible as it did against Boise State in Week 1 of 2009. Tennessee fans will grow giddy with excitement; Oregon fans will be crestfallen. 

96. At the end of the year you will look back as Oregon wins nine games, Tennessee's lack of depth crushes them down the stretch in the SEC, and giggle at assuming an early season nonconference game means anything. 

95. Les Miles will microwave popcorn in his office. The instructions will say two and a half minutes. Les Miles will rely on his gut to tell him when it's done. 

94. Les Miles is going to be eating some burnt popcorn, and will blame Jordan Jefferson while he does it. 

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93. Kansas State head coach Bill Snyder will watch Alabama play Georgia State in the first year of their FCS football program's existence. On this night he will come within inches of dying of envy, but will be saved by his wife's quick thinking as she distracts him from the game with some beefy, delicious five-layer Taco Bell tacos. 

92. This actually would distract Snyder, who appears on Chip Brown's talk show in Austin and plugs the sponsor Taco Bell like he hasn't eaten in years. If you haven't heard it, seek it out: he is disturbingly enthusiastic about Taco Bell. 

91. Given Snyder's pallor and legendary late-night film sessions, this may be true, since he may be a vampire. 

90. The Nebraska farewell tour will be milder than expected, since the Big 12 North has all of the unit cohesion of the former Yugoslav Republic. 

89. One nasty thing, however: the Huskers aren't going to pick up a single towel in an away locker room all season, and they might take the cleaning supplies, because it's not like they're ever coming back. Don't lie. You'd do it, too. 

88. Jared Crick will make no one forget Ndamukong Suh on the defensive line for the Cornhuskers. 

87. This is much like saying being attacked by wolves does not obliterate the memory of being mauled by a bear. They're both bad things to be on the end of regardless of order. 

86. Craig James and Mike Patrick will be calling a game when Patrick will notice that Adam James is sitting in the booth. "Who's that?" "Oh, no one," says Craig James.  

85. The NCAA regrets to inform you that everyone on your football team is ineligible due to agent contact. Yes, your team. All of them. 

84. All of this comes from contact with one agent. He's really good. You might want his number. 

83. Georgia's Mark Richt will continue to heat up his scorching hot seat by winning 10 games on the year. In Georgia, "hot" means "comfortably cool," a confusion leading to many assuming the frigid city of Atlanta is in fact "hot." This could not be further from the truth! Show up for summer visits in heavy wool. You won't regret it. 

82. Ohio State coach Jim Tressel says you may see Ohio State throw the ball more this season.  

81. Ohio State threw the ball 13 times in a single game twice last year. 

80. Craig James and Mike Patrick will be calling a game. Patrick will open his mouth to call out the down and distance. Before he can speak, Adam James will say "first and 10" into his headset. A confused Patrick will look to Craig James. At the break, James will say, "I think you're underestimating my son's talents, Mike." 

79.  You will not send Iowa DE Adrian Clayborn a Christmas card. This will be the worst idea you ever have. 

78. Don't worry about sending him one late. He'll find you soon enough. 

77. West Virginia running back Noel Devine is a joy to watch, and is especially cute when between plays he flutters over to his feeder full of sugar water and refuels for his next carry. 

76. This has to be Lee Corso's last season on Gameday. 

75. A possible replacement for him? Bob Davie. 

74. Did you know I hated you and everyone in the world? If you just read No. 75, you'd know that now. 

73.  Frank Beamer will open up Bud Foster's lunchpail. Inside: a peanut butter sandwich, a thermos full of coffee, a cookie, and the same two losses Virginia Tech always piles up due to their perennially anemic offense. 

72. Kentucky will open the football season with both flagship schools captained by African-American coaches. 

71. Purdue coach Danny Hope is really looking forward to letting kicker Carson Wiggs attempt a 70-yard field goal in a game

70. Danny Hope and Lane Kiffin have something in common: lunatic field goal attempts. 

69. This last sentence should have made Purdue fans vomit uncontrollably onto their computers. Hope your warranty covers that, because it doesn't. 

68. Jeremiah Masoli will taste many different grasses of the SEC this year, but his favorite will be the delicious fescue of Arkansas' Frank Broyles field. Herbaceous, smooth, and with just a hint of mint, it really is the perfect complement to diet of high impact hits and hopeless scrambles. His second favorite? LSU, if only for the hint of bourbon in every mouthful. 

67. None of this will be Masoli's fault, because at Oregon he had two things he will not have at Ole Miss: an offensive line and an offensive coaching staff. 

66. Christian Ponder is the nation's best quarterback who was also a character in an early Puritan religious tract. 

65. Irrational record prediction one: USC is on the first year of probation and a bowl ban, indicating a 95.8727% possibility they will go undefeated because teams on probation with a bowl ban love to go undefeated.  

64. Case Keenum will occupy the Colt Brennan Memorial Voting Slot for people who vote for postseason awards based exclusively on throwing for scads of TDs in a pass-mad offense. He plays at UCLA when Houston goes there on September 18th, a game which Houston could realistically win. 

63. Houston also lost to UTEP after beating Texas Tech last year, so just pick one bizarro game on the schedule and assume they lose it. You'll try to use sense, but that's your first mistake. At SMU? Sure, with a combined over so immense that has to be expressed in math you wouldn't understand. 

62. Landry Jones is not a new quarterback: please remember that he started after Sam Bradford's injury in the BYU game. 

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61. Please also remember that were it not for one bulky Mormon and gravity, Oklahoma does way, way better than their 8-5 record last season, where Jones still managed to throw for 3,000 yards and 26 TDs. Plus: MUSTACHE POWER. If he brings it back, no harm can come to him. 

60. Ole Miss offensive lineman Terrell Brown is 6' 11" and 395 pounds. 

59. Jeremiah Masoli's rushing numbers will be significantly limited by taking snaps in Brown's shadow, where lack of sunlight will give him a nasty case of rickets. 

58. Kirk Herbstreit will cross the Corso Rubicon this year, finally becoming more gloriously orange than his mentor. 

57. Oklahoma State's Mike Gundy will be fired in a green, environmentally friendly way in keeping with T. Boone Pickens' energy plan for the new millennium. I'm thinking tied to a windmill and ejected with the power of the wind (like a man).

56. If Colorado and Maryland played, would every spectator's watch run a few seconds slower after watching it? Does this have unique implications for the Special Theory of Relativity? And if so, do I have to watch it? Because I really, really don't want to watch it. 

55. On the other hand, if you want to experience Jamarcus Russell Drank-o-Vision without the cough syrup nausea, this would be the way to do it. 

54. THIS IS MY WAY OF SAYING THEY'RE AMAZINGLY SLOW GET IT HUH? 

53. Denard Robinson will win the starting job at Michigan. 

52. UConn will beat Michigan at home, starting a merry toboggan ride to hell for the Wolverines. 

51. Michigan will recover and win eight games despite fielding a secondary made up of stuntmen constantly on fire and allowing receivers to run unimpeded behind them.  

50. Notre Dame fans should just point and laugh at Michigan, since it will be easier than watching the first half of their season: a six game streak of Purdue, Michigan, Michigan State, Stanford, Boston College, and Pitt. Even their breather cupcake early isn't easy: Western Michigan. 

49. Die, "Zombie Nation." Die a thousand deaths. 

48. Ditto for you, "Thunderstruck." 

47. Dion Lewis will have a spectacular season derailed when, after his 52nd carry in week six his right leg flies off and leaves him hopping one-legged toward the endzone against Syracuse. 

46. Because this is Syracuse, Lewis will still stand a good chance of scoring. 

45. The Pac-10 will return to glorious pre-USC form. Winner will be decided by random die roll in the last week of November. 

44. Georgia has no reason to do anything but throw the ball 15 times a game and run the daylights out of Caleb King and Washaun Ealey, especially given their deep and experienced offensive line. 

43. They will do exactly the opposite of this, and will lose again to Florida in Jacksonville. 

42. Craig James smiles at his son, who now is the play-by-play announcer for ESPN on Saturday afternoon games. A lawsuit is pending. Mike Patrick stews at a bar with Mike Leach, who nods his head in sympathy. 

41. Kirk Cousins will become the most accomplished, polished, and savvy quarterback in a generation to blow at least two late leads for Michigan State this year. 

40. Georgia Tech will win the ACC again this year. Paul Johnson will celebrate by cut-blocking ACC Commissioner John Swofford on the award podium in front of a screaming crowd of hundreds just because he can. 

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39. Tommy Tuberville will award Texas Tech's starting QB job to the same middle-aged man he's started at quarterback wherever he's been. In fact, he's just going to call him Ben Leard and see if anyone notices. 

38. BYU should just book their annual suites for the Las Vegas Bowl, aka "The Lavell Edwards Classic." 

37. Mississippi State's Chris Relf is 6' 4", 240, and sort of like a discount store Tim Tebow. Big Lots Tebow, though, not Target Tebow. That's Cam Newton, and don't you forget him or his tastefully designed styles. 

36. I would say that Columbus police should double up their security for the visit by the truculent Miami Hurricanes fanbase, but they can probably handle the 150 fans who will actually leave Miami and show up for a Hurricanes road game. 

35. In the spirit of 2010 current events, 10,000 Buckeye fans will take their talents to South Beach never to return. LEBRON JAMES JOKE QUOTA MET. (They will end up living in North Broward County.) 

34. Miami QB Jacory Harris will have a spectacular season provided he can overcome his inner Rex Grossman, since Harris does tend to have a "F--- it, I'm going deep" streak in him. 

33. Canes DE Allen Bailey has a name for massive Ole Miss tackle Terrell Perry, and it is "my average hang clean."

32. This last note brought to you by People Who Will Never Forget That Allen Bailey Is The Only Current College Football Player Who Has Killed An Alligator With A Shovel. 

31. Arizona State LB Vontaze Burfict will lead the Pac-10 in unsportsmanlike conduct penalties this year. 

30. It will be more awesome than you will care to admit. 

29. Florida QB John Brantley will throw a beautiful ball, but his best friend will be Harvin-back Andre Debose, who is finally healthy enough to assume the role of defense-botching wideout/running back popping up all over the formation. 

28. South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia will be benched in no fewer than three games this season for other quarterbacks. 

27. Stephen Garcia will re-enter each game after Steve Spurrier realizes that, for the third year in a row, he has no one better .

26. All of this will be Larry David-level uncomfortable and funny. 

25. Joe Paterno will resign, citing age and the continuing negative influence of color television on youth as his reasons for leaving. 

24. 6' 7" Ryan Mallett, in an effort to improve Arkansas' sagging defense, plays middle linebacker on pass plays by waggling his arms in the middle of the field to knock down passes. 

23. This will prove to be Arkansas' best pass defense play all year. 

22. Joe Schad will report [story X].

21. Joe Schad will report [story Y].

20. Joe Schad will report that Joe Schad is reporting that [story X] is [story Y]. 

19. Joe Schad will vanish into a quantum singularity created by his own multiple personas reporting 15 conflicting stories simultaneously. 

18. Alabama versus Auburn will decide the winner of the SEC West. 

17. Texas will continue to rob announcers of the joy of saying "Fozzie Whittaker on the carry" by not starting the most splendidly named running back in the United States. 

16. Texas will still not, despite a rededication to the run game, have a run game. 

15. Missouri will, at the end of the season, show up at the Big Ten's winter meetings and just see if anyone notices. Then, things will get awwwwwkward. 

14. Houston Nutt will somehow win seven games. I have no idea how this will happen, but it will. Additionally, Ole Miss will somehow beat a top 10 team this year, and then lose to the unranked team they face the next week. This is the Right Reverend Nutt; he has powers, and you will respect them. 

13. Congratulations, Washington QB Jake Locker! You're 2010's "West Coast player named by an East Coast guy in a sports argument to show he's not totally ignorant of West Coast football." They won't see a single game you play in, but they will know your name and won't hesitate to drop it in conversation. 

12. That should read like "I don't have an East Coast bias. I have Pac-10 friends. Lots of them, actually." /struggles to name anyone in the Pac-10 besides Jake Locker. 

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11. Texas A&M will again be unexpectedly better than you might think. Once you notice this, however, they will go on an epic three game losing streak just to keep you guessing. 

10. Alabama RB Trent Richardson will have a more impressive year than Heisman winner Mark Ingram

9. Cal RB Shane Vereen will have a more impressive year than either of them, but since Jake Locker has assumed the role of "Pac-10 Token Player," you may not vote for him for any major awards, East Coast. 

8. Florida RB Jeff Demps will injure himself tripping over the sound barrier on a run at one point in the season. 

7. Georgia Tech running back Anthony Allen will amaze you with his flat-footed gait. He runs like a man whose feet are asleep and takes longer strides than Vince Young running hurdles, but it somehow works. Bonus points awarded for flying braids, which take a tenth of a second off all forty times. 

6. Georgia WR AJ Green will continue to have better production than Alabama WR Julio Jones despite having Joe Cox and redshirt freshman Aaron Murray throwing to him in successive seasons. Direct all hatemail to Your Mom's House, Alabama fans, since that's where I will be. 

5. Wisconsin RB John Clay will harm people and make you enjoy watching it.  

4. Also: Scott Tolzien is the most Wisconsin quarterback ever? Yes, Scott Tolzien is the most Wisconsin quarterback ever. You've been ousted from your throne, Jim Sorgi. 

3. UCLA safety Rahim Moore has an eating disorder. He only eats footballs, and can't stop. It's healthier than you think, since it will get him a generous NFL salary, and the nation's lead in interceptions for the second year running. 

2. Florida safety Ahmad Black will be right behind him in the totals. 

1. Vanderbilt coach Robbie Caldwell will find his early work as a turkey inseminator insightful, since being Vandy's coach in the SEC has a lot in common with turkey insemination. (Vanderbilt = the turkey.) 

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