GLENDALE AZ - AUGUST 14: Quarterback Matt Leinart #7 of the Arizona Cardinals is introduced prior to preseason NFL game against the Houston Texans at the University of Phoenix Stadium on August 14 2010 in Glendale Arizona. The Cardinals defeated the Texans 19-16. (Photo by Christian Petersen/Getty Images)

Can You Handle The Truth? What Happens When NFL Players Start Getting Real

As Andrew Sharp's NFL preview-palooza week draws to a conclusion, the NFL season is getting closer and closer. In other words, the fun is just beginning. To celebrate (and because it's Friday) let's take a look at what might happen if all NFL players told the truth. It sounds simple, but... Well, Matt Leinart just wants to bro out and enjoy things, man.

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The Invention Of Lying: What If Everybody Told The Truth?

…Annnnnnd we’re back. Friday. Last NFL Preview (for now). It’s been fun so far, and if you’ve missed anything, here’s what’s been covered so far:

Monday: Who Are The Ten Most Annoying Humans In Pro Football?

Tuesday: Who Are The Coolest Humans In Pro Football?

Wednesday: Why The Oakland Raiders Are The Most Insane Sleeper Pick Ever

Thursday: An NBA-Flavored Look At The NFL

But today, we’re taking things in a little bit of a different direction, in honor of a movie that most of you probably haven’t seen. The Invention of Lying was written, directed, and acted by Ricky Gervais, the man who brought America The Office, and generally one of the funniest human beings on earth.

It wasn’t a perfect movie, but just the fact that Gervais was able to turn a simple hypothetical into a feature film is an accomplishment in itself. The concept? Everybody tells the truth.

Gervais’ main character, Mark Bellison, lives in a society that’s yet to discover the concept of lying. Imagine if nobody could engage in doublespeak, or vague, boring space-fillers to avoid talking about how they really feel. And good lord, where else will you find more doublespeak, or vague, boring space-filling quotes than among professional athletes and coaches? It’s not that they’re lying, but they’re certainly not telling the truth. 

In Gervais’ world, this is impossible. Some examples from the movie:

  • An Advertisement: “Pepsi: When they don’t have Coke.”
  • Jennifer Garner, meeting her blind date: “I’m a little frustrated at the moment. Also, equally depressed and pessimistic about our date tonight. I’ve actually been dreading it all day.”
  • Gervais: “I’m 40 years-old, but I really have no financial assets to speak of. In fact, I think I’m on the verge of getting fired.”
  • A Retirement Home is instead called: “Sad and Depressing Place Where Old People Go to Die”
  • Gervais’ secretary, after he’s been fired: “Well, Mark, I’ve loathed nearly every minute I’ve worked for you and I’m glad you’re leaving. Hope to never see you again.”

So, since we tried it with the NBA a year ago and it was a lot of fun… What would the NFL world look like if everyone told the truth, all the time? Let’s take a quick look around.

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Ken Whisenhunt Comes To Terms With Reality

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Ken Whisenhunt: I think we’ve got a good chance to win the NFC West this year. We lost Kurt, sure, but the defense is back and better than ever! And I really think the kid can fill Kurt’s shoes.

Matt Leinart: Come on, coach. You know damn well I’m just a poor man’s Mark Sanchez.

Whisenhunt: Poor man’s Mark Sanchez? Well when you put it…

Leinart: I know! That’s really freakin’ poor, right?! A poor man’s Mark Sanchez is so far away from being a rich man’s anything, I might as well just give up. 

Whisenhunt: But you’re not gonna quit, kid!

Leinart: I might. My agent says there’s an opening on Entourage.

Whisenhunt: [demotes Leinart, starts Derek Anderson] Listen, kid, even if things don’t work out here, you’re still going to have a spot in this league with Coach Carroll. You know that he’ll take you on as a backup, no matter what. He owes you that much.

Leinart: Well technically speaking, I owe him.

Whisenhunt: You owe him?

Leinart: Well, yeah. Those loans. I still owe him that money.

Darnell Docket: SOMEBODY SAY MONEY?

Leinart: Uh… I did.

Dockett: HAYNESWORTH? PAID.

Dockett: WILFORK? PAID.

Dockett: PEPPERS? PAID.

Leinart: No need to yell, bro.

Dockett: IF SOMEBODY DON’T CUT A CHECK RIGHT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE, I’M BREAKIN ALL YO’ SH*T. SWEAR TO GOD. BEST D-TACKLE IN THE WHOLE LEAGUE IS ‘BOUT TO EAT ALLLLLL YALL IF HE AIN’T EATIN

Whisenhunt: (whistling, oblivious) [applies franchise tag]

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Vince Young And Matt Leinart Catch Up On All Old Times

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Vince Young: We’ll always have college, bruh. Those were the days, right?

Leinart: WERE the days? BRO. Half-Bro, Half-Amazing!!! VINCENT CAN’T BE CHASED!

Young: Huh?

Leinart: We still HAVE college!!! NEWSFLASH: Freshmen just moved in at USC. Do you have any idea how much ASS that means for this guy? [points two thumbs at himself]

Young: [awkward laughter] I’ve always thought you were kind of pathetic, but dog…

Leinart: WE’RE MILLIONAIRES BRO! I can buy like 80 packs of Silly Bandz for these chicks, bring over a funnel, and they think I’m coolest bro in the universe.

Young: Because you play football?

Leinart: Brosephius, I don’t think anyone can call what I do “football.”

Young: [Looks up at stadium lights]

Leinart: It’s all about the SILLY BANDZ.

Young: You sound a little bit like a sex offender.

Leinart: BROOOOO... You’re missing the point. I’m like the zany uncle figure at USC.

Young: The Uncle that molests people, maybe.

Leinart: Ummm… Whatever, bro. SORRY FOR PARTYING.

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NFL Coaches Talk Family, Great Recipes

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Bill Belichick: My grandson tried to get me to wear one of those silly bands this weekend.

Tom Coughlin: Ha, me too.

Belichick: I spit in his face.

Coughlin: Me too.

Charlie Weis: I spit in my grandson’s face, then I stole his Silly Band and ate it.

Rex Ryan: Silly Bandz are F**KING DELICIOUS when you dip ’em in chocolate.

Wade Phillips: True, but have you ever tried eating a deep fried sandwich filled with Silly Bandz and paint chips? Makes for a really interesting texture.

Emmitt Smith: People always forget: Textiles are the secret to a successive sandwich!

Jerry Jones: [swigs whiskey] I’M JERRY JONES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Jerry Jones Talks About His Management Philosophy

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Jerry Jones: (sobering up) Guhhhhhh what is that SOUND?

Wade Phillips: (chuckling) Practice, coach. It’s what we do here, remember? New drill! [Blows airhorn]

Jerry Jones: CHRIST, WADE. Knock that sh*t off. It’s early.

Phillips: It’s 4 o’clock. 

Jerry Jones: [guttural moans]

Phillips: Tell you what, though. This is the year, sir. We look GREAT out there.

Jones: Aw sh*t, Wade. You really think this is the year?

Phillips: ’Course I do. The boys look sharper than ever!

Jones: [curses under his breath]

Phillips: What’s that sir?

Jones: It’s not our year, Wade. You’re still here. So it’s not our year. But you know what partner? It’s not about winning Super Bowls all the time.

Phillips: It’s not?

Jones: Wade, we play to win here, but even if we don’t I’m still famous. Our stadium’s still famous. Tony’s still famous. Everybody makes money. That’s why I brought you back. You make life easier.

Phillips: How?

Jones: Because when we lose, you’re the scapegoat. Not me. Not Tony. Not the Cowboys. You. And next year, I can sign Bill Cowher, and we can keep making money and being famous.

Tony Romo: [walks over, bow-legged] He’s right, coach. That's the plan.

Phillips: How come nobody told me about all this?

Romo: You’re on a need to know basis, and you don’t need to know.

Jones: Exactly.

Romo: [chuckles] That’s a line from The Rock. Nicholas Cage plays this random nerdy dude that has to save everyone, and nobody expects him to do it, but then when it’s all over…

Jones: That’s a movie, Tony.

Romo: I know, but…

Jones: It’s a movie. [Looks up toward the sky] The NFL’s a lot like the oil business, you know. America’s addicted to this stuff. Year-in and year-out, we raise the prices and roll out new products, and they just keep buyin’ it. This is big business, and it’s America, and it’s a goddamned beautiful thing. It’s American as apple pie and drinkin’ in the mornin’.

Romo: What?

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The NFL's Commercials: What They're Really Saying

Coors Commercial: "Football! Beer! Tits! Football! Big Hits! Tits! Football! America!"

Chevy Commercial: "Football is America. Are you American? Then drive a truck, p—y."

Actual line from NFL-themed Extenze commercial: “Go long with Extenze!”

Deleted line: "Enhance your weapons so you can take advantage of that tight end right there." [camera pans to Tight End, standing next to cheerleader turned around, bending over].

[Cut to Jimmy Johnson in his boxers, grinning, engorged] "Right up the middle, baby!"

Peyton Manning Commercial: "See that mustache, America? Peyton Manning is funny!"

“Football” by John Cougar-Camp: "Football! MEN! America! Jesus! Making out with men? F**k the Cowboys! Obama’s a gay! Trucks! Domestic abuse? Only on Sundays in America."

(Note: This would be the greatest album title ever, Toby Keith.)

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Aaron Rodgers' Thoughts On Brett Favre

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Aaron Rodgers: [chuckling] Yeahhh.... He's really miserable, huh? F*** that guy.

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A Discussion Of Brett Favre And Why Everyone Loves Him

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Brett Favre: It’s been great to make an extra $25 million the last few years. I just love playin football. Might play until I’m 50. Heck, I’d play for free, if they’d pay me another $25 million.

Terry Bradshaw (actual quote): "I mean, we don’t see him do a thousand commercials so when we see one like Wrangler, I say he must really like those jeans. It’s refreshing."

Chris Berman (actual quote): "He’s never changed. Please don’t Brett. Not at this point. We know you won’t."

Peter King (actual quote): "...classic Favre. He picked the time where the world would be most focused on something else, so he could get the minimum amount of attention. Beautiful."

America: WILL YOU PEOPLE PLEASE GO AWAY? ALL OF YOU. STOP. TALKING.

Sean Salisbury (actual quote): "Brett Favre is everything that is good about football."

Sean Salisbury: And if we’re going start getting bent out of shape people for sending around pictures of their manhood… Let me tell you something: Until you’ve played in the National Football league, you wouldn’t understand. It's a pride thing, you know?

Sean Salisbury: People in glass houses shouldn't call my kettle black. 

Sean Salisbury (actual quote): "I love Brett Favre, I really do. I know it sounds cliché but I love the guy.”

Sean Sailsbury: (laughing) Hey man, I'm just trying to shoot straight over here.

Sean Salisbury (actual quote): "You give me a leader, and I'll show you a winner.  You give me a coward, and I won't show you Brett Favre!"

Sean Salisbury: (pauses) I’ve suffered so many concussions... So many concussions. 

Sean Salisbury: (sobbing) I don’t even know where I am right now.

Sean Salisbury: [sends picture of his penis to Brett Favre]

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Roger Goodell On Draft Night

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Roger Goodell: Silverback, huh?

Trent “Silverback” Williams: Yes sir! Proud day for me and my family.

Goodell: You know, that could one of the cooler nicknames we have in this league.

Silverback: [chuckles] Why thank you, sir.

Goodell: It’s definitely the most racist.

[... Dead silence … ]

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Roger Goodell On Draft Night: Part Two

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Roger Goodell: Hoo boy! What'd they call YOU in college? White whale?

Bryan Bulaga: [chuckles] Actually, sir, they didn't call me any...

Goodell: Oh come on! What was it then? Hay bale?

Bulaga: Sir, I don't...

Goodell: Just keep smiling, pal.

Bulaga: I am. And sir, it's an honor to be a par...

Goodell: Cumulonimbus, then?

Bulaga: Sir, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Goodell: It's a cloud joke, kid. Good to see the Big Ten's still churing out rocket scientists.

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