This Week In Schadenfreude: Celebrating FCS Apocalypse Week

This Week In Schadenfreude celebrates FCS apocalypse week, led by JMU taking out Virginia Tech. Also covered in agony: Notre Dame, the entire ACC, Georgia, UCLA, Colorado, and Iowa State.

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When West Virginia escaped its first-ever loss against instate rival(-ish) Marshall in former WVU assistant Doc Holiday's head coaching debut, your author was depressed that a lot of easy material went out the window. Then four I-A teams ate it against I-AA competition and Notre Dame was crushed by a last-minute Michigan touchdown for the second straight year, and everything is peachy again.

The worst thing to happen this week comes as no surprise: Virginia Tech followed up its narrow loss to Boise State by losing to I-AA James Madison, taking second place in the all-time Most Humiliating Loss To A I-AA Team standings behind only Michigan's performance in The Horror. Virginia Tech fans are justifiably morose:

Alright, it's done. I've watched every snap on ESPN3. In a related story, there is no more alcohol left in this house and I would really appreciate it if one of you would come by and drive me to a convenience store to buy more. KTHXBAI. …

Hey, remember in the preseason when I was fretting about Barquell Rivers being out for the first part of the season and you all were like, "Don't fret, F4H, Bruce Taylor has been great in practice?" Remember that? Well, Bruce Taylor is horrible. He can't tackle or cover anyone and we should be praying for Barquell Rivers' quad muscle every night while rubbing buttermilk on it in a hyperbaric chamber.

The worst part is they "just got outcoached by a guy named Mickey," which doesn't seem that humiliating since the first Mickey to pop into my mind when I think about football coaches is formerly demonic Florida State DC Mickey Andrews. But that's just nit-picking a post in which Dinosaur Jr.'s "Feel the Pain" and The Cure are embedded.

And then there's this guy:

Threw my Hokie stuff off and heading to mow the yard

We sux! I can’t believe we lost to JMU! Bad play calling! Bad O-line! Give up big plays on D! 0-2! I’m about to scrape my VT stickers off my truck. Can’t believe I thought this was going to be a great year! I’m so pissed!

by ALHokieFan on Sep 11, 2010 1:49 PM

!!! Meanwhile, in Boise, Idaho

bangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbanghead
bangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbanghead
bangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadbangheadeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeekeek

…they took it even harder and with considerably more creative spelling:

RE: VT vs. James Madison

If I was a VT coach, I would be on a tirade tearing all those soaking wet parkas off those soft players and punching them in the helmets.


They look like they are at a morg.  Some one needs to wake them the f up.  They all look like a bunch of whiney babies on the sidelines.  They've obviously got talent, but what a bunch of whimps ohlord

This is a first: the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness are jointly issued to Virginia Tech and Boise State.

ACC

A Georgia Tech fanbase so assured of victory they put together comics with Turner Gill naively proclaiming "the humiliation of an agonizing defeat is a week in the past" that came true doesn't even finish in the top two in its own conference when it comes to agony. GT blog Barrel of Rum just posted a picture of a guy poopin' his pants because it was "applicable to the entire conference."

It was not a good week in the ACC. Florida State:

FSU Tech Difficulties

Miami:

LAST POST: RE '10 OSU GAME 

This team/program was broken down and rebuilt 4 years ago to compete specifically in THIS GAME...in my opinion...Forget they were #2, forget it was in their house, FCK the BuLLSH_T...

CHOKE....CHOKE....CHOKE....This Coach failed us. These Players failed to execute. CHOKE....CHOKE....CHOKE...

Most of us agreed that we would give RS more time and this game would be a perfect opportunity to gauge RS if he indeed is the coach for this program...WELL...again, he fails to meet this storied programs expectations...The kids played like a average coach would have coached them. The staff made some of the dumbest decisions this offseason with evaluating players, switching positions, starters, etc....
ENOUGH WITH THE BS....RS IS NOT THE MAN!

Yeah. Not good. But NC State beat UCF, so they've got that going for them.

Big East

It was ugly but they were mostly wins in the Big East. Exceptions were Syracuse getting clubbed by Washington, which crying baby...

...and South Florida hanging with but eventually getting blown out by Florida, which goodbye Skip Holtz honeymoon:


Ok, CSH, what the hell? were you cleaning up the office and found the old playbook from CJL?  Now, please save the season by winning in conference games?
This guy returns to defend himself after everyone LOLs, so, yeah, this guy is serious. He's a CPA, so must be ruthless at taxes.

Big Ten

Notre Dame lost when a new Michigan quarterback led a brilliant last-ditch drive for a second consecutive year, yielding this reaction from the ND student section:

You-got-denarded_medium

ND Nation, the least sane place on the internets, took it about as well. And by "about as well" we mean "not about as well":

ya know what?
by jddomer  (2010-09-11 19:34:34)    

f--- you, and anyone who thinks this game was OK. F--- YOU!!!!!! I hate michigan with the white hot heat of 1000 suns. We should NEVER lose to thses f---ers. EAD. These fuckers should never beat us, especially like this. And, being unfortunate enouogh to be born in that godforsaken f---ing state, I will ahev to listen to the "we are better than you" shit for yet another year. F--- you.,

Where is my Jack? seriously. I need a bottle, and I need it now. Until we are 10-1.

jddomer also says he effing "wants to kill somebody," firstly effing "pretty boy Diaco," the ND defensive coordinator, because he couldn't even stop an effing "idiot who cant even tie his goddman shoes." Yeah, this is an easy one: congratulations, law-talking ND guy, you're Scott Tenorman of the Week.

Elsewhere, Nationites descend upon themselves by calling each other "piss boys," watch Michigan fans leave the stadium happy and find it infuriates them "to a degree [they] have never reached before," speculate on the possibility of a 1-4 start, and declare that Kelly MUST have taken the field goal because of his TOTALLY inexperienced quarterback.

And finally, a mope for the ages:

what's really sad is that the 95 yd td
by kdh325 (2010-09-12 11:26:52)

should be remememberd as one of the greatest plays in ND's fabled history.
Now? Just a footnote, an afterthought.
There is also emo Brian Kelly, but that's a thousand times less fun than emo Charlie Weis.
 
Moving on, Minnesota treats humiliating losses to teams from a Dakota like Pokemon: gotta collect 'em all! Those completed, it's on to the provinces:
I assume we're still unbeated against our Canadian neighbors

So is it possible the university of Manitoba would be nice enough to come fix that?

by IronMonkee on Sep 11, 2010 1:05 PM

And it's also time to define Tim Brewster for the ages:

A coach ought to get four years. Not, unfortunately, 3.1. I’ll be glad to see that rainbow-sh----ing doofus exit our employ in a few months.

by Erik T on Sep 11, 2010 1:13 PM PDT

Might as well fire up the potential coaching candidate posts, Gopher bloggers. When the local newspaper is complaining about a lack of not only alcohol but opiates at your new stadium, the axe is ceremonial.

Big 12

Nothing bad happened in the Big 12 this week except a narrow escape by Oklahoma State over Troy and unsurprising beatdowns of Colorado and Iowa State by Cal and Iowa, respectively. But there is this after Iowa State scored a touchdown with two minutes left to pull within four touchdowns:

I think he's being sarcastic. Right? It's hard to tell sometimes, because this seems like a serious post:

The gap between Iowa and ISU is widening

Is anyone concerned that Iowa is really pulling away from us in terms of overall talent, prestige, facilities, money, etc etc?

This is probably one of those zombie threads where some guy heads back in the archives and digs up what people were saying in 1927 just for laughs, right? Because if so

Need to upgrade stadium now!! we look like a Texas high school stadium

…win.

As far as Colorado goes:

Dan-hawkins-intramurals_medium

Pac-10

There is a palpable twitch in the steely facade at Bruins Nation after UCLA's depressing 35-0 defeat against Stanford. Guards, leave us:

The performance tonight in Neuheisel's third season was simply indefensible and unacceptable. Our expectations at the beginning of this season were fairly modest in terms of W/L records. We knew given our injury issues and our ridiculous schedule we were looking at somewhere in the range of 5-7 seasons. What we really expected though was a UCLA team that would fight, scratch, claw and play its heart out every game, get better through the season, and eventually end up with at least a non losing record in the conference. It will be up to Rick Neuheisel to live up to those reasonable expectations.

… hang in there everyone. You have every right to be sad, embarrassed, angry, upset and frustrated.

Elsewhere on BN it's "way too early to feel depressed and hopeless," which means that it's almost exactly the time to feel depressed and hopeless because that same post surveys the schedule and sees nine ore ten losses.

Yes. Remember the catharsis that came from calling Karl Dorrell a no-good so-and-so. It is pointless to resist. The hate is swelling within you. Take your jedi weapon and use it. Your offense is unarmed. Strike your coach down with it! It is unavoidable. It is your… destiny.

All other Pac-10 teams, even Washington State won, though chances are we see USC enter with a splash sometime soon.

SEC

Tennessee fans entered the season with such low expectations that their primary message board is littered with posts like "48-13 And I'm Not That Mad???," "What is wrong with you guys [for being mean elsewhere]?!?," and this:

Oregon crowd nice,but a strange looking bunch in general

It's always interesting to see the fanbases from the different OOC schools we play. Oregon's crowd,while friendly and respectful were the strangest looking bunch of fans I've ever seen in Knoxville. Lots of unshaven,scruffy looking folks. Not the healthy fitness nuts (aka colorado) I expected. Of course their colors (puke green and pee yellow) and the endless combination of said colors added to the look. Good football team and friendly,albeit strange looking fanbase.

Nothing to see here.

Georgia, on the other hand, is kind of ticked off after last year's Independence Bowl berth and not looking forward to another one except insofar as it provides a platform for zingers:

Another $Grand For AJ  (Posted on 9/12 at 4:55 p.m.)


When he sells his 2010 Independence Bowl jersey.

Unfortunately for AJ Green, the SEC is no longer associated with the Independence Bowl. Elsewhere, a guy named "JesusDawg"—seriously—strikes up a "everyone leave their name in support" post…

Head Count for CMR is a Great Coach Wagon


All Aboard.

1) JesusDawg
2)

…and forty posts later JesusDawg is very lonely on his wagon: "Richt has lost control of the team, they do not respect him, or more importantly fear him."

And finally, GATA wins the internet this week:

Internet Admins and Mods are making Richt SOFT!


UGA message boards are soft. When it gets to the point you can't say "Head Count for the Fire Richt Wagon" in a subject line then that is a f---ing shame.

Serious business. Never forget that.

Next week: a lot of boring games happen but maybe four more I-AA teams will spring upsets.

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