You would think that David Kahn could craft an open letter to fans without finding a way to embarrass himself. I mean, an open letter can be copy-edited, re-worked, and organized strategically. It shouldn't be difficult to map out a successful letter to fans. You would think.
But guys. Guys! We're dealing with the Ashy Larry of NBA General Managers. "With us, it was like mana from heaven," he once said of Darko Milicic. Clearly, irony's a concept that extends well beyond his grasp.
Which brings us to his offering today, an open-letter to Timberwolves fans that one hopes will be followed by an open letter to David Kahn, on behalf of Timberwolves fans. (Canis Hoopus, where you at?) We'll break down the best parts of the letter after the jump.
We won't reproduce the entire text here, but let's go ahead and pick out the five best sentences from Kahn's missive to T'Wolves fans.
"Fourteen months ago we laid out a plan..." Nope. Hearing David Kahn talk about a "plan" will never, ever get old. Did the plan include sending Al Jefferson to Utah for 30 cents on the dollar? Did it include spending cap space on guys like Luke Ridnour, Michael Beasley, and Darko Milicic? Did it include prompting a comparison between an NBA GM and an avocado? I want to hear more about the plan!
"In the off-season we added young, athletic wing players Wesley Johnson, Martell Webster and Lazar Hayward." Because if there's one commodity rarer than athleticism in the NBA, it's youth. All part of the plan, guys.
"So will we challenge for the NBA championship this year? Not likely. Ouch. This honesty thing is a bit painful." Now he's just trying to get made fun of by NBA blogs.
"We have eight guys who were selected in the top seven picks of their respective drafts, and the average age of those players is 22. So the potential is there..." This is like saying, "we spent a lot of money on stocks the past few years, and by the law of averages, doesn't one of those stocks have to skyrocket?" ... Depends on who's picking the stocks, Dave.
"The naysayers certainly have been vocal." Or, like Chris Webber, speechless.
"We are confident, however, that this team will be exciting to watch." Riddle me this, naysayers. What's more exciting than a kamikaze mission?
"The bottom line for fans is: We’re making it easier than ever for you to be part of our turnaround." Really, guys. There's plenty of space on the Timberwolves bandwagon. And when David Kahn's driving, you never know where you're going to end up! Err... Well, if we're being honest, you definitely won't end up here.
But how 'bout those athletic wings???