Ha, just kidding. Dwight Howard doesn't actually want a billion dollars.
That would be CRAZY.
He only wants $500,500,000. As TMZ reports:
...he claims his baby mama Royce Reed -- who stars on VH1's Basketball Wives" -- leaked dirt about him to the media at least 11 times ... thus violating a 2009 gag order. In the docs, Howard explains that if the leaked stories reached 1,000,000 people -- a safe estimate given that the stories were posted all over the Internet -- the damages should add up to $500,500,000 based on the terms of their previous agreement.
And while I haven't seen the initial divorce agreement, Dwight Howard's clearly forgetting the old corollary, which holds that nobody goes on VH1 without first going bankrupt. But screw it, why not shoot for the moon? After the jump, let's revisit my favorite Dwight Howard story of all time.
This little anecdote has nothing to do with the woman that he's currently suing for $500,500,000, but it's still pretty good. From an old edition of NBA Talking Points, porn star Mary Carey explains that Dwight has some attachment issues:
"Dwight’s a cool guy. For a month, we like talked on the phone, and he was always trying to give me prayers to get me out of porn and give me Bible verses to read. So then, I was going to go visit him when I was in Orlando, but I went over to this other guy’s house instead, Chris Kirkpatrick from N’Sync. And then Dwight started calling, and calling, and calling me, because he knew I was with Chris Kirkpatrick, so eventually at 3 in the morning, Chris was like don’t answer Dwight’s calls. I get a text from Dwight at 3 in the morning - I’m outside Chris’s house. I’m like oh my god, what do I do?
I was like, I got Dwight here and I got Chris in the other room and I’m talking to them back and forth. So finally I had to just pull Dwight in the bathroom and tell him he needs to go home. I was like I’m really sorry, I really like you, but this isn’t the time or place. When I pull him in the bathroom, he pulls his pants down, I was like, whooa.
Yeah, and so I ran and started screaming…Well if it wasn’t for the Chris thing at the time, I really liked Dwight and maybe I would have furthered this. But I was at the guy’s house I was dating so it was inappropriate. So he totally thought he totally offended me. So I saved - he and I used to talk on instant messenger, on AOL - so he was apologizing; sorry, that was out of character for me, blah blah blah. I saved all the instant messages and I’ve been putting them all in a book. So I’ve got a lot of evidence. I’ve got an evidence file."
If Dwight would like to stop rumors from spreading, keeping his pants on around porn stars (and not stalking them) would be a good place to start. Or, not suing someone for a laughable amount of money, thus inviting even more attention on your personal life, and giving me an excuse to re-hash that hilarious story.
But hey, I'm just the messenger, Dwight. Don't sue me for 100 billion dollars.