NCAA Football Rootability Index, Week 3: Alabama Vs. Duke Presents Unprecedented Cheering Challenge

Let's all hope it's three for the sake of pets, furniture, and anything else within kicking distance of West Virginia fans this weekend. Maryland is also in the ACC, and in 2010 that means they probably lose this game. 

Lean: West Virginia, since even in disaster they'll at least be an interesting disaster. (West Virginia football disasters: spectacular barn fire; Maryland football disasters: pervasive house mold.) 

Arkansas at Georgia, 12 p.m. Even for a Bobby Petrino-coached team this Arkansas team is very rootable, from their wide receiver who came back from a stroke, to their running back who somehow tore his large intestine during last week's game against Louisiana-Monroe, to their quarterback who broke his foot this spring...

...in other words, they are the most likeable injury-cursed team in college football, and when one of their defensive linemen drops out fo the game with a sudden attack of Chagas Disease, you'll root for them even harder despite their exotic and frequent medical setbacks. On the other side of the field is Georgia, who are perfectly healthy and horrible on defense. On UGA's side: adorable dog, lack of murderous hogs ruling the countryside, complete lack of hope in this game, having anti-Petrino coach on sidelines. 

Lean: Arkansas. 

 

Ohio at Ohio State, 12 p.m. Which one is the real Ohio, and which one is the impostor who impoverished the other in seizing the keys to Kingdom Of Men In Fitted Baseball Caps Turned Backwards? Ohio State fans have been tear gassed in the name of football friskiness, but Ohio once had a football player charged with assaulting a police horse, so we'll call violence a push here and go with the underdog Ohio, the poor fraternal twin who lives out in the woods far away from the rich twin's horseshoe-shaped manor on the Oletangy.

On the upside for Ohio State, they make great typos on Twitter. 

(via.) 

Lean: Ohio

 

Air Force at Oklahoma, 3:30 p.m. Our future fighting men and women in blue have the unfair natural advantage of our required patriotism, especially with the Sooner faithful singing "..the SOONERS!" over "the brave" in the national anthem at home games and the Blue Falcons' status as undersized underdogs who go to class eight hours a day, wake up to train at the crack of dawn, and...you know, come to think of it, Oklahoma students are a lot more like we were in college. Yeah, take this, "A" students who want to serve our country and make the rest of us feel bad for being average to below average: 

Lean: Oklahoma. Who's all smart and talented and shows up to class on time now, Air Force?

 

Alabama at Duke, 3:30 p.m.  Hmm. 

Lean: [DOES NOT COMPUTE] [IMPOSSIBLE] [LOGIC ERROR] [END] 

 

Iowa at Arizona, 10:30 p.m. Arizona tangibles: Hasselhoff endorsement, Nick Foles' beautiful hair, Ndamukong Suh being nowhere within 500 miles of them, and homefield advantage. Unfortunately, the President is showing up, and bring his personal bodyguard/enforcer Adrian Clayborn with him. This is football gentlemen, and if future Commander-In-Chief Stanzi says love it or leave it, you have two choices. I recommend you take the second, Wildcats, before this becomes a national security issue and appropriate measures are taken to protect our leader. 

Lean: America's team, the Iowa Hawkeyes. 

 

USC at Minnesota, 3:30 p.m.  USC coach Ed Orgeron broke his foot walking the other day, pounding the earth with such ferocity even his iron skeleton could not handle the stress. This has nothing to do with how likeable or rootable each team is, we just wanted to explain that the only thing that could break the unbreakable is the unbreakable itself. At this point in an M. Night Shymalan movie, the camera zooms in, and the guy on screen looks either a.) confused, or b.) like he's really gassy and trying to hold it in.

/sinister music

Tim Brewster is doomed as Minnesota coach, and Lane Kiffin is the coach of the USC Trojans--

Lean: Minnesota by default ruling on "The Kiffin Principle of Rootability."*

*Rule: if Lane Kiffin is the coach of one team, you root for the other team unless Satan himself is standing on the sidelines, and even then this is negotiable depending on your religious beliefs.

 

Texas at Texas Tech, 8 p.m. The Texas Tech Raiders fanbase is organizing a "silent-out" in order to intimidate the Texas Longhorns and allow them to operate without any noise interfering in their playcalling, communications, or anything else going on on the field in Lubbock. To think we used to love you for your tortilla-flipping, pirate costume-wearing ways, Red Raider fans. 

Lean: The guys from Austin who don't have stupid ideas like "silent-outs" or firing Mike Leach. 

 

Houston at UCLA, 10 p.m. UCLA has a juggler on the sidelines, a two-headed nullity at quarterback, and Rick Neuheisel apologizing to fans over the microphone. Houston has a woozy Case Keenum at quarterback, and this has our sympathies since we usually do our job in a mental fog while struggling to stay upright, but for entirely different reasons. 

Lean: Houston. 

 

Nebraska at Washington, 3:30 p.m. And now, our guest commentator of the day, Todd McShay. 

OMG Jake Locker explosion arm footwork savvy mechanics Jake Locker puppies thrills love heart moxie footwork arm potential field vision pro style tall length amazing arm poise poise poise heart mechanics picture taped to my shower wall footwork leadership character heart-o-nomics Jake Locker OMG Jake Locker!!!!!!!

Lean: Nebraska.