Let’s just all take a quick moment to assess the first weekend of real pure mayhem in college football. Here’s a paper bag. You’re going to need to breathe into it pretty hard for some of this.
—First and foremost: you should know that Texas, the seventh-ranked team in the country, is currently in the process of being beaten senseless by UCLA 27-6. That’s UCLA, the team given up as carrion two weeks ago after losing 35-0 to Stanford, beating Texas. Kevin Prince, a quarterback whose knee braces wear their own knee braces, scored the last TD on a 38 yard run. The game is in Austin. The bag. Breathe into it.
—Alabama is staging a methodical comeback in the 4th, but is still down 20-14 to Arkansas in Fayetteville. Both teams are closing in on 400 yards of offense on the day. This is the SEC, and not the Big 12. I know, it’s a lot to take in at once. Keep going.
—Penn State has kicked five field goals and is beating Temple by a slim 15-13 margin in the fourth. That is Temple, famous for Bill Cosby and historically being unable to stay on the field for ten minutes against teams like Penn State.
—Jim Tressel, he of the sweatervests, ties, and shutting down the game with a double digit lead of any sort, called a qb throwback play up by 25 on Eastern Michigan.
—Notre Dame is only losing to Stanford by 13 points. That’s shocking, and in a different way than the others, but still: shocking.
The bag will help with the hyperventilating, I promise. You’re going to need it, too, since the evening slate is loaded with potential weirdness.