SB Nation Trading Cards, Nos. 6 Through 10: In Which Aroldis Chapman Is The Best Pitcher In History

Boise State won the 2006 Fiesta Bowl, one of the most dramatic games in college football history. Do they have what it takes? On September 6, 2010, they beat Virginia Tech on national TV. Do they have what it takes? They started a grassroots political party. Do they have what it takes? They won a U.S. Senate seat. Do they have what it takes? They eventually won majority in the Senate. Do they have what it takes? They exercised their leverage to pass a law requiring NASA to develop a weapon capable of destroying the Moon. Do they have what it takes? NASA blew the Moon into fist-sized hunks of crystalline minerals. Do they have what it takes? Over time, said minerals caught Earth’s gravitational pull and turned into meteors that shot throughout the galaxy at a mile per second, destroying hundreds of thriving early-stage extraterrestrial lifeforms. Do they have what it takes? Well, the only ones who would think to ask this question are theoretical extraterrestrial beings unfamiliar with college football, and most of them are now dead.

On September 4, 2010, Matt was released by the Arizona Cardinals, thus completing a five-year span in which he regressed from Heisman Trophy winner to first-round draft pick to bench player to starter to bench player to a man without a job. On Sunday morning, he woke up with zero responsibilities. He left his home without making his bed, walked to a nearby Starbucks, and purchased a pastry, which he'd never done before. It tasted okay. He walked outside and continued to walk and walk and walk, taking in the life of a man who owed an answer to nobody. Oh God, he thought. Oh Lord, this is glorious.

On September 6, 2010, Matt was signed by the Texans, and in doing so regressed to the man you expect him to be. I sure hope you think it was worth it. I'm sure he'll throw a touchdown, and I'm sure he'll do it just for you, you monster.

Aroldis is probably the best pitcher in baseball because his fastball is incredibly fast. Everyone says Stephen Strasburg is so great, but he can’t throw the ball 104 miles per hour and also, he’s on the disabled list because his arms got run over by a motorcycle. Aroldis struck out the first batter he ever faced because the ball was going so fast that the batter didn’t know what to do. It’s almost like he shoots his baseballs out of some kind of baseball gun (he doesn’t really, that’s just what it’s almost like). His fastball is pretty much as fast as an F-16. One time I went to an air show with my uncle and I got to see an F-16 fly around. It was incredibly, incredibly fast. When I was there I bought a T-shirt with my allowance money but my dorkwad brother spilled his Squeez-It all over it. I think they should have a test where you’re not allowed to have a Squeez-It if you’re going to be a dorkface idiot.