The National Football League starts on Thursday, but for those who follow a different kind of football, gridiron remains a complicated, nebulous game. SB Nation Soccer Editor Richard Farley tries to bridge the gap.
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Sep 9, 2010 - While neither Wittgenstein nor Aquinas found a solution to the centuries old Viking-Saint problem, American football will answer the question on Thursday when the latest gridiron season kicks-off in Minneapolis, Minnesota. With the application of foot to ball near 8:30 p.m. Eastern (one of the few times the oblong ball will actually be kicked), the American version of football will start its five month domination of United States’ sports culture. Tailgates, face paint, fantasy points, sports widowhood, and likely Chad Ochocinco (a real name) nudity - they all return with a sixteen game season that culminates with February 6th’s Super Bowl in Arlington, Texas.
That’s how you know the National Football League is a very big deal. They’ve scheduled their season’s big party in the relatively obscure suburb of Arlington. That would be like holding the FA Cup Final in Bury, yet there is no doubt the NFL will pull it off - put on a show that will be one of the world’s most watched television programs of the year. The league is so well run that it can hold Super Bowls in the snowy winter of rural northern Florida and have people forget about the disaster within five years. The NFL is Dave Chappelle’s Rick James. It’s the love child of Tom Jones and Elvis Presley. It’s that Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson scene that was never released (because it never happened). Women want the NFL. Men want to be it.
The popularity of the NFL - and specifically, the Super Bowl - has allowed the league to establish a fan base that defies the limited number of people who actually play the game. Whereas association football (soccer) and basketball attract players from across all meaningful demographics, gridiron is only meaningfully played in one place (the United States), amongst a small number of people (peer-pressured men from 8-18 years old, with a minuscule percentage playing into adulthood). Those able to make a career in the game are distinguished by a combination of work ethic, injury aversion, and genetic freakery. While the game is a war analogy, it bares no other commonality with Stratego or a Pennsylvania Civil War reenactment. The NFL is the best-run league in the world, having developed an ability to attract fans who’ve never dreamt of adorning shoulder pads, leading mimicking leagues across the globe to consider revenue sharing, salary caps, and union-breaking labor policies.
But because few people have actually played gridiron, the barriers to entry are high. The game’s so complex that one prominent player, quarterback Donovan McNabb, once forgot its rules in the middle of a game (or, more accurately, at the end). The amount of equipment each player must wear to keep himself alive makes it impossible to actually see any of the players. When the 22 armored players face-off for each "snap," you feel like you’re watching the amalgam of medieval jousting and World of Warcraft as imagined by a 16-year-old on mushrooms.
The game is played for eight to ten seconds at a time, then stopped, yet the game clock (four, 15-minute periods) keeps moving. Sometimes.
Each score (a touchdown) is worth six points, unless you score it with your foot through the goal. Then it’s worth three, unless it comes after a touchdown. Then it’s worth one, unless you run or throw it in. Then it’s worth two.
That confusion leads millions the world over to go through the same, annual, September ritual. "This is the year I follow gridiron," you said (before reading this piece). "From Match Day 1 to Match Day 17. I’m in."
In the NFL, they’re just called weeks, but alleviating that kind of confusion is what this post’s all about. We’re going to help cut-through all the codes and jargon so that this year, gridiron will stick in your sporting craw. Thus, we present this primer - the pamphlet from the white shirt, black tie-wearing bell-ringer that will convince you to turn your back on cricket, Formula 1, rugby, cycling, tennis, ice hockey, baseball - whathaveyou.
Gridiron is up-and-coming. No, it probably will never be able to match the ubiquity of football or basketball, and it may not currently be as popular (globally) as those other sports, but you’ll be a Poster Child Poser if you wait until the NFL’s nicking the Premier League’s heels before you choose a club.
I mean, a franchise.
League Structure
The National Football League has 32 teams, and while that would hint at a 62-match schedule (after home-and-homes), the NFL only plays 16 games. They can get away with this by having eight tables, dividing the teams into four team sub-leagues (divisions) where each club plays the other twice. For the other ten matches, the NFL resorts to a not-so-secret decoder ring to set the fixtures with a neat-o, de-incentivizing twist: The better you finish in Year 1, the more difficult your fixtures will be in Year 2. So, if you don’t think you’re going to be that good in Year 2, you may want to consider having a Fail in Year 1.
Promotion/Relegation
Taking a season off would be a horrible plan if teams faced relegation, but for the most part, they don’t. Americans abhor relegation and promotion to the point of making the subject taboo. Major League Soccer won’t consider it (though in all honesty, it’s non-issue).
Still, there are two implicit types of promotion practiced by the NFL. Each year, a number of players - not teams - are promoted from the second division, a level Americans call "college football." The name comes from the link between universities and the traditionally amateur teams, with the moniker sticking after many second division teams recently turned professional (such as the University of Southern California, or North Carolina). Each year, NFL teams take turns promoting individual players from those teams, with players on more successful teams more likely to be promoted.
The other type of promotion is team based, with the NFL skipping over teams in the second and third ("high school") divisions and promoting from ... well, nothing. This is often referred to as spontaneous promotion (and by often, I mean once), a process that recently gave the NFL the Cleveland Browns and Houston Texans.
The closest thing the NFL has to relegation and promotion sees a "new" team surface at the expense of a previously existing one. This is called Pet Cemetery Management, when a new team surfaces with the bastardized soul of its predecessor. Teams in Arizona, Baltimore, Indianapolis, Kansas City, Oakland, San Diego, St. Louis and Tennessee are the undead visages of previous incarnations. They are the Milton Keynes Dons’ of the NFL. For some reason, this is accepted by both league and new host city.
Match Days
Almost all matches are played on Sunday, the reason why gridiron is often referred to as the U.S.A.’s true religion. The one exception is the traditional Monday match. There are occasional Thursday matches - the season opener and Thanksgiving’s slate. Late in the season, the league will regularly play on Thursdays, but by that point the league’s often playing on Saturday, too - after the second division’s regular season has ended. The NFL may also play on Friday, once the third division’s done playing.
But aside from that, the NFL is a Sunday league.
The Game Itself
Each game has a 60-minute game clock that takes between three and three-and-a-half hours to wind down, during which time teams will take turns trying to score touchdowns. The team with the ball gets four chances to score before having to give the ball back. In that way, there are no possession-hogging Barcelonas in the NFL. You either get the ball over the goal line or give it back.
Well, unless you get ten yards. You see, the field is 100 yards long, and if you get ten yards with your four plays, you’re given another four plays. Actually, sometimes you don’t even need ten yards, because there are these types of penalties with - let’s just leave that for now. My point: There are circumstances where a team will have the ball for more than four plays at a time. In fact, it’s quite common.
As a result, there can be Barcelonas in this league. Bill Parcells’ New York Giants (he was a kind of manager) - with their ability to string together scoring sequences of 12, 14, 16 plays - was the answer to the modern day Blaugrana. Neither team gave up the ball. Both teams won titles.
While a three-plus hour match duration sounds massive, you’ll have plenty of time between plays to catch football highlights on Fox Soccer Channel or GolTV. Some estimates hold only 12 minutes of actual action takes place in a gridiron match, part of the reason delivery pizza and power naps are so popular here in the States.
Choosing Your Team
Thirty-two teams creates a huge, confounding cluster, and given the NFL has accepted parity as its cornerstone, there are few habitually good or chronically bad teams. Zoom out far enough, and the teams that dominate the current landscape start to blend into those who have first pick of the promoted players.
Still, the best way to become a NFL fan is to pick a team and blindly support them. Embrace the veil of ignorance and enjoy the taste of your Kool Aid!
The easiest way to do that is to find the NFL team that’s most like the club you support, and while this post can’t list every club in the world and assign it an NFL team, we can go through gridiron’s 32 teams and give you an idea of what you’re in for.
So choose wisely, but choose. Your enjoyment of the 2010 National Football League season, which starts Thursday night, depends on you making the right choice:
 Arizona Cardinals AFC West |
Having experienced recent success after a history mediocre enough to make Neil Lomax (a quarterback with an arthritic hip) a demigod, Arizona risks a potential descent after their star player called it a career. Club: Their spurt of success in the 1980s is Bordeaux’s version of Arizona - nay, St. Louis’s - 1974 and 1975 division titles. Just as quarterback Kurt Warner has departed, Yoann Gourcuff’s gone to Lyon. |
 Girondins de Bordeaux France |
 Atlanta Falcons NFC South |
They’ve been to one Super Bowl and look strong for 2010, but this is a team with a history of losing. They also have a spurious if damning connection to Hammer's "Too Legit To Quit" video. Club: Though they actually won a title a decade-and-a-half ago, I’m imagining a sewn-together Blackburn Rovers-Falcons kit. In a way, Alan Shearer is England’s Deion Sanders, but the only way I can be sure is if Prime Time and Shearer switch spots one weekend so that Deion can augment an Alan Hansen breakdown of Arsenal's build-ups. |
 Blackburn Rovers England |
 Baltimore Ravens AFC North |
A bit of a shallow history, but one with a title. One of the favorites coming into this season, they’re a team with a rugged style that makes opponents rue the match-up. Club: Only because Baltimore and Tartarstan have a number of parallels, Rubin Kazan. |
 Rubin Kazan Russia |
 Buffalo Bills AFC East |
A team with long, deep roots that is more famous for their near-misses than their quality. Club: Blue and red are also colors prominently featured in Atlético Madrid’s kit. Kün Agüero does have the Thurman Thomas-esque quality to him. |
 Atlético Madrid Spain |
 Carolina Panthers NFC South |
Had early success but recent failures to live up to expectations have left their cool uniforms the highlight of recent campaigns. Club: Perhaps my affinity for their kit makes this a bad choice, but Valencia has certainly failed to live up to expectations in recent seasons. As with the Panthers, expectations now seem sufficiently lowered. |
 Valencia Spain |
 Chicago Bears NFC North |
One of the league’s cornerstone franchises, it’s now been almost a generation since they’ve won a Super Bowl. Coming off a season where they failed to live up to high expectations, the Bears enter a year where few know what to expect. It may all come down to whether their star player (Jay Cutler) can regain his form. Club: Perhaps the only other parallel you can draw between Cutler and Steven Gerrard would be thick regional accents, but the Chicago Bears and Liverpool are both storied members of their leagues. If you need some history supporting the (lack of) present results, Chicago could be your lot. |
 Liverpool England |
 Cincinnati Bengals AFC North |
Surprised many with a division title last year, though their personnel’s led to speculation that off-the-field issues could derail their defense. Club: Hatem Ben Arfa’s exit may have alleviated Marseille’s chemistry concerns, but their title defense is off to a trudging start. Not sure how much the city of Cincinnati has in common with Marseille, though. |
 Marseille France |
 Cleveland Browns AFC North |
Once a cornerstone team with highly devoted fans, the team has had to undergo a literal rebirth in recent years after temporarily disappearing from the scene. Club: If only there were more barking in the stands at St. James’ Park, the Newcastle United parallels would be scary. |
 Newcastle United England |
 Dallas Cowboys NFC East |
A stadium that's the envy of their league with other off-the-field success that makes them, from a business perspective, the model. It also makes them the most polarizing team in the NFL. You don't hear many people say "meh" when asked their feelings on the Cowboys. Club: The Dallas connection with Liverpool co-owner Tom Hicks is hard to avoid, but see the glaze that passes over somebody's face when they think about Manchester United and you'll know what Cowboys fans see every time they reveal their allegiance. |
 Manchester United England |
 Denver Broncos AFC West |
There is no club football parallel for the Broncos, because there’s only one Tim Tebow. The soccer-world equivalent of Tebow would be Tebow, if Tebow ever decided to play the game. Alas, he hasn’t, one of the reasons soccer will never be as popular as gridiron in the United States. We could solve this problem by cloning Tebow, but Tebow's certainly morally opposed to it. Club: Tebow FC. |
 Tim Tebow Colorado, Florida |
 Detroit Lions NFC North |
A team with a history dating back to the beginning of organized football, the Lions have become a bit of a joke, recently becoming the first team to finish a 16-game season without a win. Though they recently had one of the best players of all-time, running back Barry Sanders, the days of elite talents in the Motor City are distant memories. Club: One of the world's best players ever, Romanian midfielder Georghe Hagi, had his breakthrough for Bucharest’s Sportul Studentesc, a club that was just finished a four-year stint in Romania’s second division. They’ve never won a league title, finishing second once, 25 years ago. |
 Sportul Studentesc Romania |
 Green Bay Packers NFC North |
A team that dominated the early days of the National Football League and had a strong spell in the nineties, the Packers have reorganized their team over the past few seasons, letting the iconic player of their most recent glories leave while building around a younger star. Now, Green Bay is reemerging as title contenders. Club: There was an invincible quality about the 1996 Packers that gets forgotten amidst their upset Super Bowl loss to Denver, but even though Arsenal's Invincibles saw more success, the recent parallels might see Gooners find a home supporting the green and yellow. |
 Arsenal England |
 Houston Texans AFC South |
A new team on the landscape, they have resources but aren't using them well, have some stars that should be better, and have threatened without truly challenging. Club: When Hoffenheim was promoted to the Bundesliga two years ago, they shot to the top of the league, leading to some misgivings that their resources could lead to an asterisk-riddled stay at the top of the German league. Two years later, they're a decent club whose original threat seems quaint. |
 Hoffenheim Germany |
 Indianapolis Colts AFC South |
A high octane team who have a player many see as the league’s best, Indianapolis’s aggressive and entertaining approach to the modern game makes for must-watch football, part of the reason aspects of their style are being emulated by other teams. Club: Fans of FC Barcelona will recoil at this comparison, but this generation of Barça player has one or two European titles (depending on how you define generation), not that different from Indy's haul. It wasn’t so long ago that Real Madrid was claiming titles in Spain. While Barcelona is favored by many to expand on that resume, many see the Colts has having more title runs in them. |
 Barcelona Spain |
 Jacksonville Jaguars AFC South |
The Jags went through a relatively recent stretch where they were contending at the top of division and league, but now nobody’s quite sure what they are. There just kind of there. You see scores next to their name each week, are reminded they're still in the league, and think it’s been five years since anybody cared about them - though you’re not really sure. It’s all fuzzy and ultimately not worth thinking about. Club: Anybody remember Super Depor? Those Deportivo La Coruña teams are the Mark Brunell-era Jags squads, just minus the born-again southpaws. Stylistically, it’s not a perfect match, but in terms of enduring significance, Jacksonville and Depor are both struggling to have a lasting impact. |
 Deportivo La Coruña Spain |
 Kansas City Chiefs AFC West |
It’s been a while since Kansas City competed for a championship, but this club, located in the heart of the country, is one of the seven or eight teams you must mention when detailing the history of the National Football League. Club: Likewise, Aston Villa not a title contender, but they have an important part in of English football history. |
 Aston Villa England |
 Miami Dolphins AFC East |
Miami’s won Super Bowls and have has some iconic players, but their team is defined by the horrible cartoon dolphin jumping through a hoop on the side of their helmet. That combined with team colors of tangerine orange and nausea teal helps make casual fans associate the horrible uniforms above the on-the-field success. Club: It’s hard to find clubs with cartoon animals adorning their kits, but Real Sociedad’s stripes can cause seizures, and with a couple of Primera Division titles to their credit in Spain, they join the Dolphins as a team that can be overshadowed by poor fashion sense. |
 Real Sociedad Spain |
 Minnesota Vikings NFC North |
Two years ago, this team acquired Brett Favre, a player that overshadowed their otherwise historic organization. Just over a season later, we're all wondering how long this can last. The team is still good (as is the player), but as long as he's around, there is a side-show aspect to the team. Club: Ronaldo's return to Brazil was supposed to push Corinthians toward Copa Libertadores in the club's centennary year. However, just like the Vikings last year, Corinthians came up short. |
 Corinthians Brazil |
 New England Patriots AFC East |
At one time the standard, football fans are reserving judgement on whether the Patriots are fully waning or re-waxing. Winners of three Super Bowls in four years not-so-long ago, the Patriots now have an unhappy star receiver and a quarterback in need of a new contract. Club: In Brazil, Sao Paulo just ended a three-season stint atop the Serie A and saw their quarterback, midfielder Hernanes, move-on to greener pastures. This season’s version of the Tricolor is like watching the season Matt Cassel led the Pats. |
 Sao Paulo Brazil |
 New Orleans Saints NFC South |
The reigning NFL champions shook their lovable losers label by winning the first league title in the team’s 43-year history. Club: For Banfield, the wait was a little longer. The Argentine club won last year’s opening tournament, the first league title in the history of a club that was founded in 1896. |
 Banfield Argentina |
 New York Giants NFC East |
The most successful team from the country’s biggest city, the Giants are led by quarterback Eli Manning, whose father was a prominent NFL quarterback. Manning’s quality is highly contested, with proponents seeing his world title as vindication of his abilities while others see him closer to average than greatness. Club: Currently the most successful club in England’s biggest city, Chelsea features midfield general Frank Lampard, whose father was a prominent footballer. Lampard’s quality is contested, with proponents seeing his raw numbers as vindication of his abilities while others see him closer to average than greatness. Neither team plays in the geographical location they claim to represent. |
 Chelsea England |
 New York Jets AFC East |
The Jets live in the shadow of the Giants but are still a prominent NFL team. They’re a former World Champion though lately are better known as a weigh station for the fading greatness of Brett Favre and LaDainlian Tomlinson. Bold: Supporters of Tottenham Hotspur share many of the almost-there frustrations that have recently dogged Jets fans, and while Spurs have no current weigh station players (Robbie Keane excluded), they have hosted the sunsets of players like Jurgen Klinsmann and Gary Lineker. |
 Tottenham England |
 Oakland Raiders AFC West |
Still one of the league’s most popular teams, they are confusingly bad; bad to the point that it’s difficult to remember a time when they were good. Club: And as there’s hope of the Raiders this season, Saint-Etienne has two wins in four to start the Ligue 1 season. However, this is a club which, one of the most popular in France, has found a way to flirt with relegation in recent seasons. |
 Saint Etienne France |
 Philadelphia Eagles NFC East |
In Andy We Trust is what the Eagles have implicitly said about their head coach, Andy Reid, who (this offseason) traded away his star quarterback to a division rival in the process of reshaping his team. Having also recently let Brian Dawkins and Brian Westbrook leave, Reid’s exhibiting faith in his ability of his stars’. Club: Felix Magath casts a similar shadow over Schalke 04. This summer, the manager said goodbye to Kevin Kuranyi, Heiko Westermann, Rafinha and Pedro Bordon. Just as Philadelphia’s never won a Super Bowl, Schalke’s never won a Bundesliga. |
 Schalke Germany |
 Pittsburgh Steelers AFC North |
One of (if not the) most successful teams in league history, Pittsburgh’s always been known for their strong defending, even amidst changes to their offensive philosophies. Those philosophies may change again early this season, with the club’s quarterback suspended for the season’s first month. Club: Though it remains to be seen which of Ronaldinho, Robinho, or Zlatan Ibrahimovic will play a Roethlisberger role, Milan is one of the best teams in Europe’s club history, one that has always featured strong defending. |
 Milan Italy |
 San Diego Chargers AFC West |
For the last few seasons, they have been the big fish in their small, AFC West pond; however, the Chargers have been unable to replicate their divisional success in the playoffs. Club: Though they won a Champions League within the last decade, FC Porto had used Portugal as their small pond until last season, more often than not exiting Champions League before making an impact. |
 FC Porto Portugal |
 San Francisco 49ers NFC West |
At one point, this team had some of the league's best talent, but not only has it been a generation of players since the 49ers were good, it may be another before they're a viable title contender. They're not bad. They may make the playoffs, but they're not the championship caliber team they once were. Club: That would make them Napoli, but that would also make Joe Montana analogous to Diego Maradona. Why am I imagining a short, fat, powder-mustached version of Barry Manilow recoiling through a cloud of white smoke? |
 Napoli Italy |
 Seattle Seahawks NFC West |
The ‘Hawks have had peaks of competitiveness, including a recent Super Bowl appearance, but for the most part they’ve been a good-not-great team in a nice coastal city. Club: Like the Seahawks, Villareal seems to be regrouping. Three seasons ago, they finished second in league. ast year, they dropped to seventh and look to be on the edge of Europe again this season. |
 Villareal Spain |
 St. Louis Rams NFC West |
It doesn’t seem that long ago that the Rams were winning a Super Bowl, but it’s been 11 years, and now the team is (justly) more associated with the depths of the NFC West than the football they played in 1999. Club: The last time a club outside of Italy’s big three won a scudetto? Lazio in 1999-2000, when the Eagles edged Juventus for the title. Last season, the Rome-based club spent the season’s first half staring-down relegation before rallying to 12th place. |
 Lazio Italy |
 Tampa Bay Buccaneers NFC South |
Won the 2002 Super Bowl, an accomplishment that now looks a bit anomalous, leaving their horrible uniforms the most distinct part of their franchise. What is it about Florida franchises and horrible gear? Club: In 1997-98, Lens won their only Ligue 1 title and have recently been in the French second division (though they’re now back in the top flight). And they also have horrible kits. |
 Lens France |
 Tennessee Titans AFC South |
Has one the league’s most electrifying players (Chris Johnson) but there’s also a sense that he isn’t long for the team. This could be their last year to win before he moves on. Club: Neymar recommitting to Santos was as surprising as Chris Johnson ending his hold-out, though the Brazilian may have more than one season left in the Brasileirao. |
 Santos Brazil |
 Washington R******s NFC East |
A capital-dwelling team whose recent struggles have pushed historical success farther into the past - results beguiling considering so many available players make their way to D.C. This year, a new coach with a title-adorned resume has been brought-in to restore the team’s status. Club: Mike Shanahan is no José Mourinho and Real Madrid's had more historic success than the R******s, but if Real Madrid is (again) eliminated in the Champions League Round of 16, I defy you to get this comparison out of your head. Regardless, Real Madrid supporters should feel at home supporting the R******s. |
 Real Madrid Spain |
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Comments
I really enjoyed this article. Nice twist on the typical ’let’s compare soccer to the NFL/NBA, etc’.
I liked the team comparisions, especially Bears-Liverpool, Cowboys-Man U. I thought those 2 worked the best. The polarizing reactions of the Cowboys and Man U really fits.
Is there a reason you blurred out ‘Redskins’?
The Mikan Drill
by JoshuaR on Sep 9, 2010 3:12 PM EDT reply actions
because ...
… i’m too liberal for my own good, i suppose. at least, for the purpose of this post, i was.
thanks, joshua!
-rf
by Richard Farley on Sep 9, 2010 3:42 PM EDT up reply actions
Ah, I see. I thought that’s what it was but I also thought you might have something against the team.
The Mikan Drill
by JoshuaR on Sep 9, 2010 3:48 PM EDT up reply actions
Wow
This is a bizarro world post.
Not mediocre. Right about average
by trza on Sep 9, 2010 5:31 PM EDT reply actions
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