Beast Mode, The Snake, And Suggestions For The Remaining Playoff Teams

There's a lot to like about the Milwaukee Brewers. They're a small-market team with big fan support and homegrown stars. They're an example for how downtrodden teams can build through the draft, using high draft picks and an aggressive team-building approach.

But, oh, that damned "Beast Mode." After every Brewers hit, bunt, balk, walk, or catcher's interference call, all of the Brewers convulse into some sort of beastly pantomime. It's the sort of thing that you can only enjoy if you're a Brewers fan or a sociologist researching tribal mating rituals.

Hold on, though. It gets worse. Other teams feel like they have to get their own version of Beast Mode going. The Diamondbacks were the first to give in:

Outgunned by Milwaukee's "Beast Mode" in the series' first two games, the Diamondbacks came up with "The Snake" after returning to the desert in an 0-2 hole.

The brainchild of catcher Miguel Montero, the hand gesture — a cupped right hand that makes a striking motion — has taken over the series as Arizona has bashed its way toward what may be its greatest comeback in a season filled with them.

Sssssssssssssssss! Sssssssssssssssssssssssssss! This is absolutely about baseball! We are not an 8-year-old girls' softball team! Ssssssssssssssssssssssssssss! Hooray!

This brings up the possibility of one of the Diamondbacks doing The Snake while the Arizona fans are doing the wave, and at the same time, someone could be in the Chase Field pool with floatie things on his arms, saying, "Man, this game moves slow." When that happens, the baseball gods will cause rainouts for 40 days and 40 nights, even inside the stadiums with roofs, because at that point it's just better to start fresh. Eliminate everything to do with the sport and build it back up.

Until then, though, here are Beast Mode/Snake suggestions for the remaining playoff teams whenever they do something good at the plate. I mean, if you're going to go jackass, go full jackass.

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Texas Rangers
They're the ones responsible for this whole stupid trend, as they were flashing antlers and claws at each other throughout the whole postseason last year. Then somehow the "claw" became a "spotlight" that other teams picked up on and started doing. Miguel Tejada did the "spotlight" pantomime back at the Giants' dugout for every one of his double this year, for example.

So because they started it, the Rangers get to do The Lasso.






Options include bleating like a hog-tied calf, pretending to struggle, or breaking free and running around the bases again, using your fingers as little horns.

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Detroit Tigers
Well, that stinks. Beast mode is already taken. A good "rrrrrraaaawwwllllrrrr" with a claw pantomime would have worked just fine, but it's too close to Beast Mode. The next best thing, then, is just to act cool and clean yourself.


Start with the paws, move to the face. You're cool. You just scored a run. Act like it.

But if something exceptionally good happens -- if a guy gets a grand slam or a walk-off hit, say -- adjustments will have to be made.


Yeah, that's a nice hit, Victor. Mmmm, yeah, you've got pine tar on your helmet, big fella.

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New York Yankees
They're so professional and corporate, it's hard to find something silly and fun for them. But they can do the "Dogs," which has three main steps:

 

  1. The firm handshake
  2. A certain look in the eye
  3. And an easy smile

 

You have to be trusted by the people that you drive in. The Yankees know this.

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St. Louis Cardinals
In honor of Tony La Russa, after every successful at-bat, the players in the dugout should do The Double-Switch.



It's easy enough, but the problem is that every time the players do it, La Russa will actually bring in a new reliever, switching out someone who was previously playing in the field. While this seems like a major deterrent, fans shouldn't notice any difference from a normal La Russa-managed game.

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Philadelphia Phillies
They've actually been doing this one for a while. This one's called the Roy Halladay Dance of Glee and Mirth (New Jack Remix). It goes something like this:

Chase Utley, with a blast to right field, has put the Phillies ahead!
Ryan Howard ... down the line ... fair! Fair! Fair! That's going to clear the bases!
OH GOD A SQUIRREL IS GNAWING AT MY SCALP AIEEEEEEE BLOOD EVERYWHERE GET HIM OFF GET HIM OFF GET HIM OFF OH NO OH NO ROY, ROY, HELP AIIIEEEEEEEE


Simple enough. So, other playoff teams, you can either be part of the horrendous, awful fun, or you can just play baseball and cheer like normal people. The choice is yours.

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