Ten Surprising Facts About The Scott Boras/Prince Fielder Binder

WASHINGTON - Scott Boras watches batting practice before the game between the Washington Nationals and the Pittsburgh Pirates at Nationals Park. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

The Boras Corporation has created a 73-page binder to extol the virtues of Prince Fielder to prospective teams. What sorts of things are in there?

The Boras Corporation recently released the smash-hit book of the holiday season, Why You Should Commit to Prince Fielder for Seven Years and $150,000,000. That's not the actual title, but it's close enough. Jerry Crasnick has some details on the extensive, 73-page binder that was put together for the sole purpose of lauding the works and career of Prince Fielder.

"Prince is a very modest guy, but there were a few things in there he really, really loved," Boras said. "He told me, 'I don't have much in my man cave -- just my Silver Slugger [Awards] and some other things I've done. But this book is going in my man cave.' I figure if we made it into his man cave, it held high standards."

Okay.

But buried in the secret dossier are things that you might not have thought would be in there. Here, then, are ten things that might surprise you about the book:

1. The passages that aren't favorable towards Prince Fielder are written in Comic Sans
I don't even know why these passages were included, but I guess the idea was that Comic Sans would make people skip the section.

And that's how Prince Fielder compares favorably to Jimmie Foxx, Mel Ott, and Willie Stargell. Please ignore the fact that there is only one first baseman in the history of baseball who actually shares DNA with Prince Fielder, and that he was washed up by the time he was 33. Because even though that would seem like a decent comparison, what with genetics and all, it really isn't. It just isn't!

2. The Boras Corporation spent several million dollars on R&D, creating a paper-thin and malleable monitor that can fit in the pages of a book.
This is because they're like me, and they think this McDonald's commercial never gets old, so they want everyone to see it over and over and over and over again.


Prospective teams flip the page, and this baby starts auto-playing. Adorable! And if you're wondering if I'm going to use this video in every Prince Fielder-related article I write, of course I will. I mean, look at that little scamp up there!


3. Section titled: "Prince Fielder Can Pitch, Too!"

It's just the same video as that McDonald's one up there, except this one has "Welcome to the Jungle" playing over the video on a loop.


4. Most of the graphs just compare him to great sluggers in video-game history

 


5. The section titled "Anagrams!" is just four anagrams in really big font.

  • Fielder Prince
  • Re-field Prince
  • Re-prince Field
  • E.R. Field Prince

Those four, in 283-point font, over four foldout pages.


6. There are all sorts of odd factoids sprinkled throughout the book, and most of them are just weird

If you conservatively estimate that Fielder's 260 home runs traveled an average of 400 feet, he has hit the ball over 92,000 feet in his career! That's as high as the famous Air Force hot-air balloon experiment with that dummy in 1957!



 Remember that? That's how hard Prince Fielder hits the ball!


7. There's an incomprehensible section that's some sort of 13-page homage to James Joyce

OMINOUS - FOR HIM!

Prince Fielder said not without regret:
          - And yet he stayed with the same team without having entered the land of promise.
          - A sudden - at - the - moment - though - from - lingering - payroll - concerns - often - previously - overblown, Boras said. And with a great future behind him.


8. Several of the pages feature a fine-print disclaimer

On over half the pages, there's a disclaimer at the bottom that reads, "Note: The Scott Boras Corporation did not come up with this book after dicking around on Baseball-Reference's Play Index for 45 minutes."


9. Six-page section titled "Not On 'Roids Like Some Other Milwaukee Sluggers, Wink Wink"

Excerpt:

In conclusion, some other sluggers in Mlwaukee (wink wink) might do "things" to keep themselves in "game shape," and said "things" might be "scandalous" and/or "undesirable." While some teams feel comfortable giving ten-year, $145 million contracts to these players, Prince Fielder maintains that the money would be better spent on someone who is completely clean. Like him. Which he is. Unlike some other Milwaukee Brewers-related superstars who may or may not have just won a major award (wink wink).


10. The first three pages of the whole thing

It's a little subtle, but it gets the point across. 
Link to .PDF

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