The Texas Rangers, in case you haven't heard, won the negotiating rights to Yu Darvish. You'd think we'd cover that sort of thing at Baseball Nation, but Ed Wade got hired as a special assistant to the Phillies, and things sort of spiraled down from there. But Darvish is the story today, which makes a Yu Darvish video perfect for starting another round of Six Degrees of YouTube Roulette.
You might remember that in our last episode, I posited a theory that every baseball-related video would eventually lead to a skateboarding accident within six clicks. The theory was almost sound, but it turns out to be true with "girl fights" instead of "skateboarding accidents." The rules are simple: Start with a video on YouTube, and follow the suggested links on the right six different times.
The theory with this one is that I'll end up on an incomprehensible Japanese game show, possibly one with a six-foot-tall alarm clock wearing a bikini. Them's the risks. But we have to start somewhere, so I'll enter "super awesome Yu Darvish video" into the search engine:
This one is just an uploading of an MLB Network highlights compilation for Darvish. The video seems to indicate that this Darvish fellow has some pretty good stuff. Hrrm. The star of the video, as always, is the comments section under the video, such as "why would he come to s----- a-- toronto while he could come to the greatest sports franchise ever the yankees, he could win a championship like he did in japan." I read a lot of YouTube comments for these articles, so I always make sure to read something that's less depressing afterwards, like Cormac McCarthy's The Road.
The suggested links offer some bait that I'm too weak to pass up: "Lincecum's illegal Delivery."
probably illegal because he's totally high when he's on the mound amirite? lol
The user who uploaded the video is actually sane and reasonable, apologizing for causing a debate. He's probably from Europe or something, and we should make sure his seditious ways are stopped immediately. But this video does allow us to look back at a Jeff Sullivan column from earlier this year about Jordan Walden's bizarro-insane delivery:
Every time I see that stupid .gif, I end up just staring at it for an hour. Thanks, Yu Darvish.
Now we're at a crossroads. We have "Weirdest Windup Ever", "Greatest Curveball ever!!!", "My dad gets yelled at by an Umpire for giving me advice", and "Kid hits homer during an intentional walk." If "Greatest Curveball ever!!!" had just one more exclamation point, I might be tempted, but three exclamation points is the new one exclamation point. I'll go with homer/intentional walk:
Beautiful. It's as advertised. Some poor 14-year-old is trying to intentionally walk some genetically altered manchild, he floats one over the plate, and the pitch is crushed. The video also confirms what we should have already known: Little league parents are the YouTube commenters of the world.
Now we have "Little League World Series Worst Strikeout", "Tim Lincecum talks about Smokin Weed 2010", and "Phillies Fan Gets Lucky With Reporter During Live Broadcast." Oh, man. I'm supposed to pick just one? Luckily, the choice is removed from my control, as there's also "Matt Holliday Homer Hits Kid in the Face." I'm not made of stone.
First, that's not a kid. Second, it barely grazed him. False advertising. Plus, when the video started, you could see a different kid with a Jonathan Broxton shirsey, and while I'm a really super-enlightened and intellectual fan who doesn't wish harm to anyone because of their team of choice … yeah. I mean, if you know that a kid is going to get hit regardless of your actions, and you can choose one kid out of the bunch -- I mean, if you know that one of them is going to get it -- you sort of have to go with Broxton shirsey kid, right? Right?
Okay, fine. It's never okay. And I'm glad that everyone made it out of there with nothing more than a stern grazing.
This leads us to our final spin of the roulette wheel, and our choices are "Girls Refuse To Stop Blocking Our View", "baseball player gets punched by fan", "I Will Never Tell Matt Kemp This Again", and "Penaly on Everyone!" Pretty sure that I can't click on "Penaly!" without going through age verification, so I'll just … wait, what's this? "Phillies Fan Gets Lucky With Reporter During Live Broadcast" is an option again? Well, shucks, okay.
It's been a good run, America. There was the Constitution, steam power, interchangeable parts, and Fraggle Rock. And it all led to this. It appears that every Six Degrees of YouTube Roulette will end with us proclaiming that America is doomed, which is how it has to be, I suppose. If the Beatles would have just cut their damned hair when they came over, we probably could have prevented all this.
And if you can't get the image of that last video out of your head, remember that it's all Yu Darvish's fault.