Are you wondering why off-season shopping has been slow since the winter meetings? For the same reason you don't buy anything for yourself in the weeks leading up to Christmas: you don't want to accidentally purchase something you might find under the tree as a gift. Baseball teams write letters to Santa, too, and why not? It's the middle of the off-season, and there isn't a club out there who has finished their roster off. Maybe a holiday gift from St. Nick is just what every team needs to make their winter a success. Some teams need a little more than a player to get them by, though. Through our contacts at the North Pole, we got a hold of one such Christmas wish list from a certain Los Angeles Dodgers owner.
Now, I know I haven't been a good boy lately. My ex-wife and I have been fighting a lot, and it's all been pretty public, too. The courts had to get involved, and it was all very embarrassing. I said some things about my friends in my club, too: that they were out to get me, that they were holding me back. I didn't want to admit that any of the damage I caused was my fault, but you know, I learned something today: If I don't at least pretend to be apologetic, I won't have a Merry Christmas.
We here in Los Angeles could use your help. Especially since that jerk Arte Moreno started to wave his new television contract in my face, signing Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson ... he's trying to take over my town, Santa! First it was changing his team's name, then hooking up with a sports network when Bud and the courts kept me from doing the same. I can't stand it! You'll help me, won't you?* I know I can count on you to make things right, Santa, so please consider this list.
*If you don't, I'll sue. I know where you live.
A new owner: I didn't want to sell -- never wanted to sell! -- but those bullies in the commissioner's office and the courts ruled that I had to. For some reason, they don't think a successful man in debt can run a franchise that costs hundreds of millions of dollars in a sport that generates billions each year. I tried to tell them that I worked in parking lots, but they just didn't understand.
I'm rambling, though. A new owner would solve lots of problems! For one, I could get my debts paid off. That would really help the Dodgers out, were I to no longer have debts. Because then, someday, I could even buy the Dodgers back (if I can't find a way to stick around after selling). All I need is someone willing to spend, say, $1.4 billion on the team, stadium, and my debt. I'll even throw in the parking lots. Well, maybe.
A TV deal that MLB won't bar me from: I'm tired of being pushed around by Bud and his cronies. I had a television deal in place that would have solved all of
my personal problems the Dodgers' problems, and they claimed I was going to use the cash advance to fund my divorce. Just because Jamie and I made a mockery of ourselves and the franchise we represent in a well-publicized and overly-long divorce trial is no reason to think I would have stolen money from the team to pay her off. It's not like I've ever taken money from the team before.
Ryan Theriot: My GM, Ned Colletti, has a recent obsession. He wants to stockpile middle infielders. It started out innocently enough, when he signed Juan Uribe to a three-year deal. But this off-season, he's already signed Mark Ellis, Jerry Hairston, and Adam Kennedy. He just keeps saying, "Gotta collect 'em all!", and drew me this letter when I asked him what he wanted for Christmas:
If you could please drop Ryan Theriot down the chimney of the mansion
I paid for with money from the Dodgers, then Ned can be distracted from the divorce, and the other GMs won't pick on him at their annual gatherings. Boys do love their toys!
Failing any of this: I would just really like some money, Santa. You can make this happen, right? I used to know how to make money, but I don't seem to be able to anymore. It just keeps disappearing on me. Maybe we can hook up, you know, rob a bank or something. Maybe become international jewel thieves? Do you have any books that can teach me how to become an international jewel thief? Any night vision goggles? Or maybe we can setup some kind of elaborate "Saw" scenario for Bud to teach him a lesson about keeping me away from TV deals so that I can finally negotiate with FOX. I'm grasping, Santa! Maybe that isn't realistic. How about a new wife that comes with a prenup?*
*P.S. Make sure she has money.