The Atlanta Braves, bless their little hearts, have taken time out of every baseball player's Winter schedule of sitting in front of a warped, dilapidated chipboard folding table at a sports memorabilia convention in a mall located in the suburb of their AA affiliate to make us a Christmas video!
It's intentionally bad, but it's still bad. Video via Deadspin:
Clearly, they hired the services of an acting coach. Here is what he said to get such compelling performances out of his actors:
Jason Heyward: You don't want to be here.
Brian McCann: You don't want to be here.
Eddie Perez: YOU WANT TO BE HERE VERY MUCH
Tim Hudson: You're delivering slam poetry, but you're somewhere in Woodstock, where "you are a slam poet" means "you are the leader of the homeowner's association and must confront a neighbor about using an insufficient amount of pine straw in his front-yard landscaping."
Eric Hinske: Your pet fish died. 20 years ago.
Peter Moylan: You're watching an eHow video about how to mince garlic, and you find it really interesting because you used to always place the garlic on a cutting board and stab it violently with a fork until it all fell off the counter and you just didn't use garlic.
Jonny Venters: You're eating in a restaurant and they play "Jingle Bells" in the background. You get the attention of diners at nearby tables, nodding with an air of authority and confirming that the song is "Jingle Bells."
Brian Snitker: You are selling a 13-year-old, 75-pound TV on Craigslist for double the reasonable price and typing "MOSTLY USED FOR GAME SHOWS!" in the advertisement.
Chipper Jones: You are a dairy cow!
Freddie Freeman: You're at a friend's house and you want a glass of water, but this friend is that one crappy friend you have whose drinking glasses have whitish film on them from the dishwasher, and yet he still somehow considers them "clean," as though it's normal to just have everything you drink tainted by detergent chalk.
Mike Minor: You are a fencepost. Specifically, you are a fencepost grandfather, rambling on to your fencepost grandchildren about being a fencepost and what it's like to be a fencepost and how being a fencepost was exactly the same back in your day.
Dan Uggla: You are a landlord who runs into an ex-tenant you had five years ago who once explained that he hadn't paid rent because "it's ImprovEverywhere" and twice attempted to pay rent with origami.