The Florida Marlins: Almost As Bad As The Yankees

Debatable Assertion: A no-hitter and a World Series clincher are the two most exciting single games a baseball fan can watch. Watching a division- or a pennant-winning game is up there, for sure, but watching a no-hitter has a special kind of single-game closure that’s only shared with a World Series victory. Your mileage may vary.

This comes up now because the Florida Marlins almost did it again. Josh Johnson took a no-hitter into the eighth inning on Wednesday night. He was four outs away from adding to the Marlins’ legacy of being the second-most annoying franchise that has ever existed.

Yes, the Marlins are almost as annoying as the Yankees. There’s science behind this. Let me explain...

There are eight MLB teams that have never won a championship. Those teams have combined to play about 46,000 regular season games, but not once did their year end with a champagne-fueled clubhouse jubilee. That’s not even including the teams that haven’t won a championship for decades (or in one famous case, for over a century). Yet the Marlins, in just 17 seasons of existence, have somehow figured out how to win two. They have never won a division, mind you, but they’ve won two World Series.

If Johnson had completed the no-hitter, he would have been the fifth Marlins pitcher to do so. Neither the Mets nor Padres have thrown a single no-hitter in over 14,000 combined games. So if World Series victories and no-hitters are the two most exciting games a fan can watch, have the Marlins had the most exciting history,  per game?

To test this, we need to assign values to these exciting games. Let’s say that no-hitters are worth 25 excitement! points and World Series victories are worth 100 excitement! points. These figures are, of course, based on the seminal studies of Dr. Ferroroorro of the Cooperstown Institute at Odessa. Here’s how the 30 franchises stack up:

 

 

The Marlins are an annoying franchise worthy of your jealousy, envy, and spite. They’ve packed more history into 17-plus seasons than some franchises have managed in decades. Want to root for a team with a rich and successful history? Root for the Yankees. You didn’t need a spreadsheet to tell you that. Want to root for a team with a rich and successful history without being an obvious frontrunner? The Florida Marlins are your team. And, hey, look at the great seats available! You chose wisely.

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