1. Carolina Panthers: Edmund Gates, WR, Abilene Christian
It's not guaranteed who will be starting at quarterback for the Panthers in the 2011 season, but it is a guarantee that they will suck. Gates, the fastest receiver in this year's draft, will have the best chance at catching defensive backs after they get an interception.
2. Denver Broncos: Chas Henry, P, Florida
The only chance the Broncos have of stopping anything on defense is by constantly pinning their opponents deep and hoping that all the 80-90 yard touchdown drives wear opposing offenses out by the second half.
3. Buffalo Bills: N/A
The Bills don't even bother making a pick in the first round this year because they don't want to waste both their payroll and an unlucky prospect's once-promising career.
4. Cincinnati Bengals: Vidal Hazelton, WR, Cincinnati
With Carson Palmer (and pretty much every other player on the roster) wanting out of the Bengals organization, Mike Brown will be thrilled to draft Hazelton. The former 2006 #1 WR prospect in the nation didn't get enough playing time at USC, and due to either insanity, stupidity, or a sad combination of both, transferred to Cincinnati. Anyone who would willingly enter that city is a rare find.
5. Arizona Cardinals: Mike Pouncey, G, Florida
Since Ken Whisenhunt only knows how to sign players and coaches who used to be Steelers (see: Joey Porter, Clark Haggans, Dan Kreider, Chukky Okobi, DeShea Townsend, Ray Horton, Russ Grimm, Jerheme Urban...), he will pull another brilliant move and select the twin brother of one of last year's top rookies.
6. Cleveland Browns: Mark Herzlich, LB, Boston College
Being drafted by the Browns will probably be the worst thing that's ever happened in Herzlich's life.
7. San Francisco 49ers: Pat Devlin, QB, Delaware
The 49ers desperately need a franchise quarterback to take over after someone in the front office finally realizes that Alex Smith is horrible. Jim Harbaugh will follow his brother's lead and draft a quarterback from Delaware in the first round, and also like his brother, will get a terrible QB.
8. Tennessee Titans: John Clay, HB, Wisconsin
Chris Johnson got away with it in 2009, but it's obvious that he needs a lazy, fat running back to share the workload with. Clay, who once weighed in at 265 pounds and reportedly has a poor work ethic, fits the bill perfectly.
9. Dallas Cowboys: Jake Locker, QB, Washington
Locker knows exactly what it's like to be burdened with unrealistic expectations that you'll never live up to each season.
10. Washington Redskins: Noel Devine, HB, West Virginia
Desperate to get a return on their 100 million dollar investment, the Redskins get a snack for Albert Haynesworth in hopes that he will regain his trust in the organization.
11. Houston Texans: Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College
A smart pick, but a boring pick. This is why you will never make the playoffs, Texans.
12. Minnesota Vikings: Phil Taylor, NT, Baylor
Taylor will fill two great needs for the Vikings: a replacement for Pat Williams, and a quick fix for plugging up that hole in the Metrodome roof.
13. Detroit Lions: DeMarcus van Dyke, CB, Miami (FL)
The fastest player at the combine will help the Lions defense significantly. Now, opponents won't be able to score as easily because Van Dyke can chase down any player that breaks free of the rest of that horrid D.
14. St. Louis Rams: Shaky Smithson, WR/KR, Utah
The only way to give the Rams anemic offense a chance of scoring is by letting Shaky get them into enemy territory. Plus, can you really let a dude named Shaky fall out of the first round?
15. Miami Dolphins: AJ Green, WR, Georgia
Miami needs a talented receiver whose physical abilities will be wasted by the awful quarterback they'll draft in the second round.
16. Jacksonville Jaguars: Isa Abdul-Quddus, S, Fordham
The Jaguars need some more playmakers on defense, especially in the secondary. Abdul-Quddus flies all over the field and crashes into receivers with his kamikaze style of play.
17. New England Patriots: Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
It's time for the Patriots to start looking towards the future and draft Tom Brady's heir apparent. I would make a joke about Newton having to take a pay cut to go from Auburn to the NFL, but everyone else in the history of ever has already made that joke.
18. San Diego Chargers: Steven King, K, Concordia
The Chargers had the #1 offense and #1 defense in the NFL last season, but couldn't even make the playoffs. What was the problem? They just didn't have a storyline casual fans could follow (Bettis going home to Detroit, Saints overcoming damage to New Orleans, Giants upsetting the greatest team assembled, etc.), so this guy could give them the story crafting abilities they need. Don't worry, I hate myself for this stretch, too.
19. New York Giants: Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri
Gabbert has all the qualities Jerry Reese looks for in a possible draftee: great potential, a hard working attitude, good character, and a disturbing propensity to fold and collapse when the pressure is at its highest.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Danny Watkins, G, Baylor
Tampa Bay was the youngest team in the NFL, starting 10 rookies throughout the season. They'll draft 26 year old Watkins here, who should immediately be able to provide the veteran leadership that the team lacks.
21. Kansas City Chiefs: Mark Ingram, HB, Alabama
Let's be honest, Todd Haley is simply f***ing with Jamaal Charles at this point.
22. Indianapolis Colts: Julio Jones, WR, Alabama
Speaking of grudges, I'm not sure what Peyton has against Austin Collie, but there's no doubt that Collie will be dead by Week Four next season. Jones should be a nice replacement provided he endears himself to Lord Peyton's massive ego (and head).
23. Philadelphia Eagles: Tyler Funk, P, Carthage
Hopefully this punter will be able to snap Philly out of their Super Bowl-less funk! Oh, come on, you guys can spot me one terrible pun, right? Guys?
24. New Orleans Saints: Will Hill, S, Florida
Will Hill's character and maturity will immediately appeal to the youth growing up in New Orleans.
25. Seattle Seahawks: Von Miller, LB, Texas A&M
Miller is a perfect pick for the Seahawks. Elite pass rusher? Check. Hard worker? Check. Dresses like a hipster? Check. He'll fit in perfectly in Seattle.
26. Baltimore Ravens: Taiwan Jones, HB, Eastern Washington
Jones, who was clocked as running in the 4.2's at his Pro Day, will be best suited using his pure speed in Baltimore's offensive strategy - chasing down and falling on top of Joe Flacco's fumbles in crunch time.
27. Atlanta Falcons: Landon Cox, WR, Northern Illinois
This guy's name is literally Landon Cox. The people who will find this funniest are the Atlanta Falcons "fanbase", which is composed of 13 year old children who just jumped on the bandwagon last season.
28. New England Patriots: Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas
It's time for the Patriots to start looking towards the future and draft Cam Newton's heir apparent.
29. Chicago Bears: DeMarcus Love, OT, Arkansas
Love was absolutely demolished in pass protection at the Senior Bowl and doesn't have the footwork to play tackle in the NFL. This is exactly what the Bears like in their offensive linemen; Love is a no-brainer here.
30. New York Jets: Ryan Kerrigan, OLB/DE, Purdue
Kerrigan has a nonstop motor, underrated athleticism, a high football IQ, and always hustles. In more understandable football terms, he's white.
31. Pittsburgh Steelers: Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn
Penalized multiple times for late hits and under scrutiny for dirty play in general, Fairley is essentially the perfect selection for the Steelers defense.
32. Green Bay Packers: Robert Champion, DT, North Central
Okay, we get it, you guys won the Super Bowl. Get over it already.