The Solution To The Dodger Divorce

Major League Baseball and the Los Angeles Dodgers are proud to announce that they have found a solution to the controversy that surrounds current Dodgers owner Frank McCourt; the elegant answer both helps McCourt and his soon-to-be ex-wife Jamie, and helps promote and make money for baseball.

The Dodgers will be sold by lottery.

Beginning Tuesday, May 31, the day after Memorial Day, 100 million tickets will be made available at major- and minor-league ballparks, major sporting-goods retail chains, at and at all courtrooms in Los Angeles County. Tickets are affordable at $10 each ( fees not included if purchased online); each collectible ticket will feature a photo of a past Dodger great, including Sandy Koufax, Orel Hershiser, Maury Wills, Darren Dreifort and Manny Ramirez.

One Grand Prize winner will be chosen and become owner of the Dodgers (subject to approval by other major league owners; if unapproved, more winning tickets will be chosen until someone is approved). Of the $1 billion proceeds, $700 million will be given to Frank and Jamie McCourt to settle their divorce and also to pay the lawyers. The balance of the money will, by California lottery law, be given to the state to help reduce the state 2011 budget deficit, which as of May 17 stood at $9.6 billion. Of course, $300 million won't put much of a dent in that deficit, but by purchasing one of these highly coveted tickets, you too can help get our most populous state out of the troubles it's been in for more than three decades.

But wait! There's more! Although only one winner will become the new owner of the Dodgers, 50 other winners (commemorating the Dodgers' 50 years in Dodger Stadium) will get consolation prizes. Among these great prizes:

  • Andre Ethier will be the guest at your home for dinner and pose for photos with you and up to 10 friends or relatives. He promises to not use any profanity, or make more than a few crude gestures.
  • Vin Scully will, for one year, deliver a unique greeting to you once a month that you can use on your outgoing voicemail message.
  • Frank or Jamie McCourt, or both, will personally serve as your driver to and from your workplace for three months.
  • A birthday party for your child with up to 100 guests at Dodger Stadium, hosted by Dodgers broadcaster Rick Monday (or, if your family is Spanish speaking, Fernando Valenzuela).
  • A year's supply of Dodger Dogs (cooking not included).
  • You or your designated substitute will pitch one inning for the Dodgers in a 2012 major league game (game subject to designation by manager Don Mattingly, or his successor); if you do well, more games can be arranged.
  • After the divorce is final, a dream date with the McCourt of your choice (limo rental not included).

The lottery tickets will be sold until the divorce is final, or when Los Angeles gets an NFL franchise, whichever comes first. Employees of the Dodgers, Major League Baseball, any law firm headquartered in the state of California, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are ineligible. Void where prohibited by law or common sense.

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