Jose Bautista And The Ridiculousness Of It All

TORONTO, CANADA - MAY 9: Jose Bautista #19 of the Toronto Blue Jays hits during MLB action against the Detroit Tigers at the Rogers Centre May 9, 2011 in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. (Photo by Abelimages/Getty Images)

If you didn’t read the New York Daily News today, you missed a journalistic masterpiece. It was sublime; the definitive I’m-not-saying-I’m-just-saying work of our generation. John Harper’s not saying that Jose Bautista is on steroids. He’s just saying, you know, it’s kind of weird he’s so good now.

Sorry, but even in this drug-testing era, it's impossible not to be suspicious when someone suddenly starts hitting the ball to the moon in his late 20s. Unfortunately, steroids forever hardened us to the romance of a late-bloomer like Bautista, especially when baseball still has no test for human growth hormone.

And it just kills Harper! He apologizes, and he thinks this whole subject is unfortunate. He didn’t want to write this article, but, oh, these troubled times forced him to.

Have you ever seen how crazy it is inside a working newspaper’s office? I haven’t, but I did watch the fifth season of The Wire so I’m pretty sure I know how it works. Those guys are busy! Man! So as a public service, here are some snippets for articles I’ve worked up for the rest of the newspaper.

Local

It’s hard, in this day of finding your old girlfriends on Facebook, to think that every married man can remain monogamous. It would take incredible strength and reserve for Jonathan M. Sorbo, of 359 Briartree Lane in West Nyack, to not cheat on his wife after 1,300 business trips over the past 16 years. That’s a lot of lonely nights alone.

He’s seen all the movies on the free HBO, so he’s bored with those. All it would take is 10 minutes on Craigslist and a few hundred dollars, and he could recreate some sort of debauched reenactment of Buffalo Bill’s ‘Wild West" show, complete with ponies, lassos, and muskets.

You’re telling me he never did that? Sounds fishy, but let’s hope he’s legit. I hate that this article is even necessary.


Business

Oh, I’m sure that Steven A. Cohen just had an idea that Cyberdyne Systems stock was going to split. He did research, he analyzed -- he did things the old-fashioned way. He says a lot of his success is due to his company’s proprietary methods, specifically the study of sudden increases in stock values -- what he calls the "hedge lift."

Now, it’s possible that this hedge lift tipped him off. But I’m sure Cohen has been at some functions with Cyberdyne executives. Maybe he didn’t sit at their tables that night, but had to have rubbed elbows with someone at some point. All it would take is a text message, an e-mail, or a carrier pigeon to alert Cohen that Cyberdyne was going to split. Or maybe it was a complex series of algorithms and rigorous analyses.

Hmm. Wonder which one is more likely. It just kills me to speculate like this.


Entertainment

There are hundreds of thousands of starlets who move to Los Angeles, seeking fame and fortune. Few actually find it. It’s a numbers game. If there’s a way to get noticed, though, it’s through a willingness to sleep with producers and studio execs. Megan Fox is a lovely young lady, but she doesn’t necessarily stand out in a room with 100 other aspiring starlets.

One unnamed talent scout suspected that Fox had diddled a few producers because she was so unremarkable in her auditions, though he backed off a little after her transcendent performance in Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. It’s disgusting that I even have to bring this up.


Comics

Luann, I’m not saying you’re involved in Satanic rituals. But when Puddles goes missing, and I find you hiding in the garage covered in blood, wearing a goat costume, and clutching a bag of angel dust, muttering, "I don’t know what I’ve done, I don’t know what I’ve done," a father has the right to raise questions. I hate that it’s come to this.


Weather

It might rain today. It rained last month, remember that? It rained so much that there was a flood, and that thing messed everything up. So instead of gathering satellite pictures, pressure readings, or anything like that, just assume it’s going to rain. Because it did for a long, long time a while ago. And that stunk. I hated that. Rain makes me super sad. And I hate that I have to write this, but it might rain today. :(


World

SURE THE U.S. COULD HAVE DUMPED OSAMA INTO THE OCEAN, BUT WOULDN’T IT MAKE MORE SENSE TO CHANGE ONE LETTER IN HIS NAME AND MAKE HIM PRESIDENT? I’M NOT SAYING, I’M JUST SAYING. IT MAKES ME ILL TO THINK ABOUT THIS, BUT I HAVE NO CHOICE


All of these are on the house, NY Daily News. My treat. You guys get super busy! Keep up the fine work, and keep spitting out those libelous masterpieces. Wait, I only meant to type "masterpieces." I didn’t mean to put that qualifier before it. Well, I kind of did. I mean, I’m not saying that. I’m just sayin’.

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