The 137th running of the Kentucky Derby will take place this Saturday, and you probably don't know anything about any of the horses. We are here to help. Today's contender is "Pants On Fire," who is in a hurry because he is a race horse, and because his pants are on fire.
NAME: Pants on Fire. OH GOD THIS IS THE WORST NAME EVER BECAUSE LITERALLY MY PANTS ARE ON FIRE AND I'M NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE WEARING THEM BECAUSE I AM A HORSE AND I THOUGHT NOT WEARING PANTS WAS A PERK OF THE JOB WHY DID YOU HAVE TO BE SO LITERAL HORSE OWNERS--
DESCRIPTION: EASY I AM THE HORSE WEARING PANTS THAT ARE ON FIRE BECAUSE MY OWNERS ARE REALLY FUNNY PEOPLE LIKE THAT---whoa, let's calm down for a second. It's not all flames and burning finery with Pants on Fire. The horse is a lurking contender in the Derby based on a couple of factors, none of which include actually putting pants on the horse and setting them on fire.
Pants On Fire has a quality upset on his record in the form of his victory at the Louisiana Derby, where he outpaced Mucho Macho Man down the stretch and took home the race's $600,000 purse for a win. More importantly, Pants on Fire automatically qualified for the Derby with the winnings and avoided any further racing wear and tear in the lead-up to the Derby. Considering how stressful it already is to be named "Pants on Fire," this has to be good news for the horse and its trainers.
Pants On Fire will also be the only horse in the race piloted by a female jockey. Cindy Napravnik will be just the sixth woman to ever run in the Derby, and since no woman has ever finished higher than 11th in the race, expect your father to make a "female drivers" comment if she does not finish higher than---HEY THAT IS SEXIST AND I AM ALREADY UNDER A LOT OF PRESSURE NOW IF I WIN THE RACE WILL YOU PLEASE PUT THESE OUT WHAT DOES A STALLION HAVE TO DO AROUND HERE FOR A FIRE EXTINGUISHER AND THESE ARE CORDUROY ARE YOU PEOPLE CRUEL AND INSANE?
Likes: Muddy tracks, actually. Should the weather go south at Churchill Downs expect more than a few wagers to swing his way. Also: enjoys pantslessness, not being on fire.
Dislikes: Insane owners approaching with pants, fire, other horses snickering at his name, suggestions he might have a social disease.
Current odds: 1/15
Celebrity Horse Look-A-Like: Djimon Hounsou, but wearing pants that are on fire OH COME ON YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO ROOT FOR A HORSE THAT WEARS PANTS THAT ARE ACTUALLY ON FIRE---