Name: Dialed In. He's got this, and by this means everything. He's ready for the Derby. He's written those thank-you notes you forgot about, and bought flowers for your wife, and called the glass man to fix that window you broke last week playing baseball using a basketball. He tried to warn you ahead of time, but he knows how you are, and already called the guy and had him stock a window just that size for the occasion. He also fixes all his dinners on Sunday ahead of time to save the effort and hassle during the week.
I kind of hate Dialed In already, but that's why he already sent me ... [opens envelope] ... a Target gift card? Oh, you are a devious one.
Description: Perfect, but without being perfectly annoying? Dialed In straddles the soft high end of a lot of potentially annoying positive categories all at once. He has an illustrious trainer in Nick Zito, but not too illustrious like Bob Baffert, the first guy to tell you how illustrious he is. Dialed In has an impressive pedigree -- Secretariat and Seattle Slew are back there in the family photo album if you look far enough -- but comes from a diverse enough background, racing-wise. (Mom was a sprinter! Dad was an aristocrat! And somehow those crazy kids got along.)
He's also the winner of the Florida Derby, a formidable finisher whose early indications lean towards fast paces at distance, and has the most organized desk you've ever seen in a stable. Did we just suggest that Dialed In is like Rob Lowe's character on Parks and Recreation, and is so perfect you should hate him but somehow don't? We did, though he doesn't have a desk, and not because he's a horse and cannot sit in chairs. Dialed In knows that sitting is bad for you, and prefers to work standing like Hemingway did.
If he wins, he will yell "ANN PERKINS!" as he finishes. He will do it in horse, so you will not understand it, but that's what he'll be saying.
Likes: That tie you're wearing! But you should let him re-tie it for you, since you don't know how handsome you'll really feel in a tie until you wear it in a double windsor. See! Doesn't that feel so much better? He made you an omelet with egg whites, too, and really wants you to read this article in the New Yorker about Guatemala while you do it. Also, have you had your cholesterol checked lately? Because he made you a doctor's appointment with his guy, who you'll just love.
Dislikes: Messy workspaces, negative people. But he thinks they could just be happier if they got a little more sunshine, at least 40 minutes of light cardio a day, and took refined sugars out of their diet.
Odds: 1/4. But he's pretty sure he's got this one...[puts on horse-sized sunglasses]...DIALED IN. Ha, he's sorry about that, but it was just sitting there.
Celebrity Lookalike: Well, duh.