Houston Astros Issue Emergency Bulletin

HOUSTON: Pitcher Bud Norris #20 of the Houston Astros takes a moment on the mound against the Pittsburgh Pirates at Minute Maid Park in Houston, Texas. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Following a Houston Astros game at Minute Maid Park on June 25, former Creed front-man Scott Stapp will perform live in concert.

Federal agencies will provide relief to those unable to leave the area, but they will certainly be overtaxed. Experts in suck are predicting the fallout will spread as follows:

Astros-end-of-the-world_medium

 

A. Greatest potential of suck
This area must be evacuated. Failure to evacuate may lead to listening to Scott Stapp sing Creed songs after watching the Astros play baseball. This level of exposure usually proves lethal.

B. Significant potential of suck
Persons who do not evacuate this area could potentially find themselves in a bar showing the Astros game on TV with the sound down, while Creed's "Higher" plays on the jukebox. This combination often is lethal.

C. Fair potential of suck
Persons who do not evacuate this area run the risk of hearing a passerby hum "With Arms Wide Open" at the same time another person is discussing Carlos Lee's defense. Such a combination can be extremely harmful.

D. Most likely safe from suck
This area is likely to be a safe zone. Discussions of Hunter Pence are usually accompanied by John Coltrane, The Clash, or other music that has no relation to Creed or Scott Stapp.

Game tickets are available at HoustonAstros.com, and several local outlets are selling emergency preparedness kits.

X
Log In Sign Up

forgot?
Log In Sign Up

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior users will need to choose a permanent username, along with a new password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

I already have a Vox Media account!

Verify Vox Media account

Please login to your Vox Media account. This account will be linked to your previously existing Eater account.

Please choose a new SB Nation username and password

As part of the new SB Nation launch, prior MT authors will need to choose a new username and password.

Your username will be used to login to SB Nation going forward.

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Join SBNation.com

You must be a member of SBNation.com to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at SBNation.com. You should read them.

Spinner.vc97ec6e

Authenticating

Great!

Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.