In response to the Rockies Mattpen (Matts Belisle, Daley, Lindstrom and Reynolds), Abbott and Costello recently performed a new act.
Abbott: Well Costello, I’m going to Colorado with you. You know Jim Tracy, the Rockies’ manager, gave me a job as coach for as long as you’re on the team.
Costello: Look Abbott, if you’re the coach, you must know all the players.
Abbott: I certainly do.
Costello: Well you know I’ve never met the guys. So you’ll have to tell me their names, and then I’ll know who’s playing on the team.
Abbott: Oh, I’ll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they give these athletes now-a-days very peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names?
Abbott: Strange names, pet names…like D’Brickashaw Ferguson… or Dizzy Dean…
Costello: His brother Daffy.
Abbott: Daffy Dean…
Costello: And their French cousin.
Abbott: Goofè Dean. Well, let’s see, we have the pen… Matts out there.
Costello: Who else?
Costello: Are you the manager?
Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
Costello: And you don’t know the fellows’ names?
Abbott: Well I should.
Costello: Well then, the bullpen is Matt… and?
Costello: I mean the fellow’s name.
Costello: The guy pitching…
Abbott: Matts in the pen!
Costello: I’m asking YOU who’s in the pen other than Matt?
Abbott: That’s the name of our ’pen.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me the others.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Look, you got more than one member of the ’pen?
Costello: You have Matt in the ’pen?
Abbott: That’s right.
Costello: When you pay off the ’pen every month, Matt gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar of it.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is the fellow’s name who pitches the late innings.
Costello: The 6th.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: Matt gets the money for the ’pen and pitches the 6th?
Abbott: He does, every dollar. And then Matt will pitch the 7th.
Abbott: What’s wrong with that?
Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you need a guy for a quick out against a lefty who do you pitch?
Costello: And the 8th?
Costello: How does he pitch…
Abbott: Well, usually. That's why he goes in the later innings.
Costello: All I’m trying to find out is if Matt pitches only the 6th.
Abbott: No. Matts pitch in the 7th and 8th too.
Costello: I’m not asking you about the 7th and 8th.
Abbott: Matts pitch the 6th through 8th.
Costello: Matt pitches more than one inning?
Abbott: Not usually.
Costello: But Matt pitches in the 7th and 8th?
Abbott: And the 6th.
Costello: One inning at a time!
Abbott: Well, don’t matter.
Costello: But you can’t throw Matt every day!
Abbott: Take it easy, buddy. No one goes every day.
Costello: I’m only asking you, who pitches the 6th?
Abbott: All right.
Costello: Matt pitches 1 inning at a time?
Abbott: Yes, in the 6th through 8th.
Costello: I’m not asking you about the 8th.
Abbott: Sure you are…
Costello: Matt pitches the 6th.
Costello: Then Matt takes the rest of the night off and Matt throws the 7th.
Abbott: That’s it.
Costello: So what if Matt needs a day off?
Costello: Any of them? Why does it matter? Maybe it's a religious holiday.
Abbott: Oh, that's our old leftfielder, he isn't here anymore.
Abbott: Matt. Traded him for CarGo.
Costello: Cargo? But Matt is in our 'pen?
Abbott: Yeah. Matts in the 'pen.
Costello: Yet you traded Matt for some kind of goods and he doesn't play here anymore.
Abbott: Yes, we traded Matt for CarGo. He wasn't going to resign, thought our offer wasn't high enough.
Costello: So Matt is gone? Traded because you assumed he would leave in free agency?
Costello: Your offer was too low?
Abbott: No, he's going to be our shortstop for years to come and we wouldn't trade him. We offered Matt.
Costello: Matt was a shortstop?
Abbott: No Matt was a third baseman we converted to leftfield.
Costello: But I thought Matt pitched in the bullpen.
Abbott: He does.
Costello: So you converted him again?
Abbott: No, Matts always pitched, at least since we got 'em.
Costello: So your bullpen is Matt, he only pitches 1 inning at a time and Matt throws the 6th 7th and 8th. Matt used to play left field but has been traded for CarGo and you wouldn't trade the non-Matt shortstop. I give up, I don’t give a darn anymore! If you can't even tell me even the players names, we're Doomed.
Abbott: Oh, that's our catcher.