Tim Wakefield Is Probably A Wizard

BOSTON, MA - : Tim Wakefield #49 of the Boston Red Sox throws a pitch against of the Milwaukee Brewers at Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Baseball Nation doesn’t like lawsuits, and that’s why the title doesn’t read "Tim Wakefield Is A Wizard." Also, I’m not sure of whether he’s really a wizard or if he’s more of a warlock. There’s just something evil about his powers, that’s all I know. Ten pieces of evidence to support my case:

1. The Pirates haven’t been over .500 since Wakefield was released
You might think this is because the Pirates have made decades worth of poor personnel choices, but that’s only half-true. Even bad GMs can stumble into a .500 season by dumb luck. The Pirates never did. The second they released Wakefield, he was on his way to Costco to buy eye of newt in bulk.

2. Tim Wakefield is the active career leader in wins
All of the others above him have retired due to injury. Or age. Mostly age. But don’t think that Wakefield didn’t have a hand it it. He has 19 more wins than Roy Halladay, who should probably just chill for a bit.

3. He received his break with the Red Sox when Aaron Sele and Roger Clemens were hurt at the same time
Very convenient. And Sele was such an iron man, there’s no way he’d go down without some help from the dark arts.

4. He agreed to let the Red Sox control his destiny forever
He gave the Red Sox a perpetual option on his contract, allowing the team to keep renewing his contract for eternity. Eventually, that wasn’t even good enough for the Red Sox, as they restructured the deal later, but for a while, it was the most team-friendly contract in sports. This is because wizards don’t need money.

5. He throws a knuckleball
Not all knuckleballers are wizards, but all wizards are knuckleballers. Think about it. If a wizard cast a spell to make himself throw a 110-mph fastball, he’d be found out pretty quickly. But a knuckleball? Oh, that’s unpredictable. It dances, flitting around, hither and thither because of physics. Sounds like wizard crap to me.

6. He admitted it
From his book, "Knuckler: My Life With Baseball’s Most Confounding Pitch"

"And yet, when it came to instances like this and many others, Wakefield's achievements seemed to materialize out of thin air.

... The knuckles are what people see, but they are, like many things associated with the pitch, an illusion ...

...Wakefield is a level-45 wizard with robes and everything, and, oh god, I think he knows that I know, he’s coming, oh god the sulfur smell is unbea eerereiiiieeeahhhhhhh"

The first two sentences are confirmed and are actually in the book. The third one is speculative because I haven’t really read the book, but it fits my suspicions perfectly.

7. He is the active career leader in hit batsmen
This is because wizards are jerks.

8. His nickname for his knuckleball is "The Niekromancer"
Well, it should be. Especially if he’s a wizard. But he probably calls it "Professor Flutters" or something to throw people off track.

9. He is the all time home run leader for Florida Tech
The guy who took this swing ...

 

 

... is the all-time leader in home runs for his college program? No way. Not without sorcery. Sure, he’s the only player from his school to ever appear in the big leagues, and sure, Florida Tech isn't a big baseball school.

Actually, they're currently well behind conference leaders Barry University, even though that isn’t even a college, but a name that this guy I know, Kyle, uses when he checks into a motel to cheat on his wife. But there’s still no way that the guy who took that swing leads anything in home runs.

10. The guy who took that swing then drew a walk his next time up

 

 

You’ll notice how Santiago Casilla’s face does a "Jacob’s Ladder" thing at the end of that .gif. This is because Tim Wakefield is a wizard, not because I'm a technical moron.

Wakefield faces the Pirates on Saturday for only the second time since they released him. At least one of the promising young players for the Pirates will be eaten by a grue. This is because Tim Wakefield is a wizard. You have been warned.

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