Awful Sports Theater: Ed, The World's Worst Baseball Movie

ed

In this edition of Awful Sports theater, we take a look at the 1996 film "Ed," in which Joey from Friends plays baseball with a monkey. It is just the worst movie.

In 1996, Friends' Matt LeBlanc starred in Ed, a movie about a single-A pitcher who becomes friends and teammates with a baseball-playing chimpanzee. It has a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes and is every bit as horrible as you think it is.

Unlike Air Bud and Most Valuable Primate and the like, however, this movie doesn't get a pass for being a stupid movie, because it isn't a children's movie. This movie features a monkey flipping the bird, weird, borderline creepy racial commentary, an 8-year-old girl complimenting a grown man for having a sexy ass and calling him gay because he won't date her mother, and a wacky slapstick scene made possible by a blackout-drunk man attempting to drive.

The only explanation I can offer is that the movie was written and directed by an exceptionally intelligent ape, which would also explain why the Hell there is a movie about a baseball-playing ape. What follows is a series of key scenes from the movie. Also included is scene-by-scene commentary from the chimpanzee director, via interpreted sign language. He has a vocabulary of over 1,000 words!

CHIMPANZEE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: I like baseball. It is sport. Man play baseball. Woman not play baseball! Child not play baseball! Hahahahahaha!!!!

Joey Friends is expert baseball player. Perform baseball duties. I also am a baseball. Baseball was invented in a year by Babe Ruth. This is what looks like baseball.

Ed throws very hard. Someone would call the fire department! Right away! Fireman! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire! There is a fire!

 

CHIMPANZEE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: This scene is one thousand inches of hilarious comedy. Joey Friends tell Ed to get in car! Ed get in car! [Editor's note: throughout the entire production process, Stewart not only believed that Matt LeBlanc's name was actually Joey, but that his last name was "Friends." He would not be convinced otherwise.]

Then Joey Friends run away! Then Joey Friends get back in car and tell Ed to get in car! Then Ed get in car! Then Joey Friends run away again! It is a juice box filled with comedy.

 

CHIMPANZEE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: It is a hilarious when drunken driving! Joey Friends is irrepressible bad boy who hits pothole on road of life (literally) when Ed drives him around the city and town.

Joey Friends was very terrific to work with. He is very smart man. One day we had argument about who is best baseball. He said Babe Ruth. I said cookies. He said cookies is not a baseball. I bit him.

 

CHIMPANZEE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY:  I recognized Tommy Lasorda from inside of commercials. He seemed like a nice and heavy man. That is why I put him inside of my movie. He is the greatest actor.

When he says "WHEEEERRRE IS ED THE CHIMP" you can feel at least 500 years of emotion literally hitting you like a ton of bricks. He wants to see Ed play baseball.

It is sad because Ed doesn't actually play baseball in the movie after that scene. Scene is meant to be a tragedy. I tried to make airplane drop anvil on Lasorda to increase tragedy. Movie studio said no. Would have been "Lorenzo's Oil" of baseball monkey movies. Butt loads of tragedy. I make a several movies.

 

CHIMPANZEE DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: "Tobacco-chewing creepy grunty guy" character was kind enough to take a break from being in every other baseball movie ever to appear in this movie. Catcher is Hispanic. He calls catcher "taco." Nothing bad happens to him except for striking out at end of movie because racism is committed with impunity because world is bad.

He is not taco. He is man!

 

DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY: In addition to baseball, Ed also runs the bases. Second basemen have many pants. Second basemen go home every night and opens kitchen cabinet and there are pants. Open microwave and there are pants. Open closet and pants everywhere.

Ape would like pants. Apes all should have pants. They had pants in Planet Full of the Apes. Roarrrrrrr!!!

Base runner should get a pants every time they steal second base. Wanted to make movie so that Ed wore pants and work boots and shirt and tie and helmet. And smoked pipe. Like a human man. Feel like I failed Ed. Feel like I make him bad. Feel like I made movie bad. Am sad am sad am sad am sad am sad am sad.

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