Five Different Things Baseball Players Can Do With Their Bats

It was either Connie Mack, A. Bartlett Giamatti, or absolutely no one who once said that the baseball bat is "Nature's Swiss Army Knife." But it's a great point. Most of us are used to baseball bats being used to strike an object with great force (Albert Pujols) or fail to strike an object with great force (23 or 24 different Mariners at any given time), but they also have different, practical uses as well. Here are five things that baseball players do with their bats aside from hitting a baseball.

Attempt to murder someone and get away with it. You know, just to see what it feels like.
Sure, anyone can just grab a bat and murder someone. We've all played Grand Theft Auto. The real trick is to get away with it. A baseball player has the perfect cover. Every so often, a guy like Cody Ross can just ...

Whoops! So sorry! These are new batting gloves, and, boy, am I going to write a letter to the manufacturer!

Oh me, oh my! I seem to have to done it again! Is the bat behind me? Did it hit anyone? No? Oh, well, that is certainly a good thing. Yes, a very good thing.

YES! I HIT SOMEONE! RIGHT IN THE HEAD, ************! YEAH! ... Oh. He's still standing. Which is good, I mean. It was the outcome I was rooting for, personally.

Use it to catch foodstuffs
There are a couple of different kinds of food you can find on a baseball bat. The first variety is made of tasty individual morsels. These little specks of goodness are rare but delicious. Real pros use pine tar to stop the best morsels in their tracks.


Other foodstuffs that are found on baseball bats are more like honey -- a sticky, nourishing substance that's rich in calories and perfect for a competing athlete.


It's not known exactly what delicious substance was on Jose Constanza's bat, but judging by the look in his eyes after he licks it off, it's safe to say that it's probably the cerebrospinal fluid he collected from the corpses of his vanquished enemies.

Also of note: the Braves teach their players to do weird things.

Express disagreement with an umpire
There are two ways to express disagreement with a bat. The first is to get your point across forcefully but politely. If it makes sense to do so, you might draw a physical representation of where you feel the pitch crossed the plate. This is called "The Dignitary."


If that sort of disagreement does not work, more forceful measures may be taken. This is called "The Delmon."

 

 

Express disagreement with the choice of beverage in the dugout

Clubhouse attendant? Oh, clubhouse attendant? I regret to inform you that Lemon-Lime Powerade tastes like alligator urine. It's true. No, we shan't have this in the dugout again. No, I'm terribly sorry. Have you thought of Capri Suns, perhaps? They have all sorts of delightful flavors: Tropical Blast ... Tropical Punch ... Tropical Morning ... perhaps some Capri Suns would quench our thirst with more aplomb, my dear boy.

Pretend you have a big ol' ash-and-maple wang


Just looking at that .gif for long enough will get you pregnant, and you'll carry something to term that's made of wood, like a marionette, or Hunter Pence. It seems that Aaron Rowand has found the best use for his bat, and all the credit in the world goes to him.

We all remember what it's like to be six years old, running around the house in search of anything cylindrical and over a foot long. Alas, society frowns upon doing this sort of thing as an adult -- doubly so while in public. But Rowand doesn't care. He allows himself to be free. He's unlocked the unfettered six-year-old boy inside himself, and by doing so, he's unlocked the six-year-old boy in us all. Fly free, Aaron.

Fly free.

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