Three days after the month of July ended, Major League Baseball is reeling. Because within that month, baseball played host to some of the most embarrassing errors in the history of the game. As the crisis comes to a head, an emergency closed-door conference is held. All players, managers, and executives are in attendance.
A conference room. At the head of the room is a table with two seats marked B. SELIG and J. TORRE. More tables, complete with microphones and bottles of mineral water, form a perimeter along the walls. The room buzzes with activity as those in attendance find their seats.
BUD SELIG. Hello? ...Hello, if we could all please find our seats. We have a lot of work ahead of us today.
A moment passes, and everyone is seated.
BUD SELIG. Thank you. I'd first like to extend my appreciation to all of you for appearing on such short notice. I'm sorry we have kept you in the dark with regard to the reason we have all met today. That is something we must explain before we proceed. To do so, I will yield the floor to our new executive vice president of baseball operations, Joe Torre.
JOE TORRE. Thank you, Bud. Thank you, everyone in attendance.
The month of July was a crucial month for the sport of baseball. It was the first month of the calendar year in which we were the only show in town. Basketball and hockey had finally shut down, and of course, the NFL was months away from taking the field.
We finally had a chance to convince the world that baseball was something that deserved attention. That the game is fascinating and its players are among the world's elite athletes.
And somewhere along the way... excuse me, could someone please get the lights? ... somewhere along the way...
The room fills with gasps and commotion.
JOE TORRE. ...somewhere along the way, it became clear that we were all terrible at baseball.
BUD SELIG. If I could have everyone's attention for a moment... please settle down, people.
HOWIE KENDRICK. (shouting) What a horrible play! It's so crappy! He fell down!
The commotion grows louder.
JOE TORRE. Everyone! Please! Please, settle down.
BUD SELIG. Thank you, Joe. We have taken the liberty of assembling a collection of animated .GIF files that demonstrate, in no uncertain terms, that everyone in baseball is sucky. Indeed, we're not only sucky, but a super-sucky bunch of babies who look like they've never seen a baseball in their entire moronic baby lives.
And that is why we have assembled today: to find out how and why we are all so horrible at baseball, and whether anything can be done to make us not be a bunch of stupid goofballs who are always falling down and getting hit in the dong and stuff.
JOE MADDON stands from his seat.
JOE MADDON. Excuse me, I --
JOE TORRE. (interjecting) Yes, sorry, if we could please hold all questions until--
JOE MADDON. (interjecting) -- was wondering whether we could see guys getting hit in the dong.
SELIG whispers in TORRE's ear.
JOE TORRE. ...yes. Yes, I can tell you that we have multiple .GIFs of dudes who straight up get hit in the nards.
JOE MADDON. Nards?
JOE TORRE. Nards. Nads. I believe the terms are used on a geographical basis, in a "Coke/soda" sort of way. In any case, yes, we have animations of guys getting hit in their wieners.
JOE MADDON. (fist pump)
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