BUD SELIG. All right, we have... about 20?
JOE TORRE. About 20.
BUD SELIG. About 20 GIFs to sort through. Let's get started. I'd like to speak to Mr. ... Tim Hudson. Tim, are you present?
TIM HUDSON. Present.
BUD SELIG. What happened here?
TIM HUDSON. I lost my footing. I just couldn't manage to find the ground.
BUD SELIG. The ground is really easy to find.
TIM HUDSON. I know. I just suck is all.
BUD SELIG. Well, according to these ERA+ numbers, you... looks like you have the 8th-best career ERA+ among active players.
TIM HUDSON. (shrugs) It could be that the seven pitchers above me on the list aren't a bunch of dimwits who can't even throw a baseball without falling on their butts like a bunch of idiots.
BUD SELIG. Indeed. Thank you.
TIM HUDSON. (nods, moves to sit down, misses chair, falls on floor)
BUD SELIG. Are you all right?
TIM HUDSON. Absolutely not.
JOE TORRE. While we're on the subject of awful-at-baseball pitchers, I'd like to hear from Randy Wolf, please.
RANDY WOLF. Yes?
JOE TORRE. Please bring your attention to the projector.
(Via Baseball Nation's Jeff Sullivan)
RANDY WOLF. Yeah, that was pretty weird. I swung the bat but the bat didn't go anywhere.
JOE TORRE. You have to actually swing the bat yourself. It doesn't just swing. I know you're a pitcher, and pitchers are supposed to be terrible batters, but... have you ever seen anyone play baseball?
RANDY WOLF. I don't know what to tell you. It's just how I was taught.
JOE TORRE. Who taught you how to hit?
RANDY WOLF. A weird-looking tree in the middle of the forest.
JOE TORRE. A... what? Did it talk to you? Was it a magical tree or something?
RANDY WOLF. No.
JOE TORRE. I suppose I just don't understand what you're saying.
RANDY WOLF. It had a bunch of smaller sideways trees coming out of the side of it.
JOE TORRE. Those are branches.
RANDY WOLF. Oh.
JOE TORRE. You are the dumbest person in the entire world!
RANDY WOLF. Oh.
BUD SELIG. Okay, next, if we could speak to, ah... Eric O'Flaherty?
ERIC O'FLAHERTY. Present, sir.
BUD SELIG. You... attempted to field a splintered bat.
ERIC O'FLAHERTY. It seemed like it could have been worth money.
BUD SELIG. How would it ever be worth money?
ERIC O'FLAHERTY. It's memorabilia.
BUD SELIG. Oh Lord.
JOE TORRE. Oh God, that is precious.
BUD SELIG. (sits up, turns chair to side) Okay, okay, here, we're gonna do Antiques Roadshow. (picks up bottle of water) This is the bat splinter. All right?
JOE TORRE. Okay, yeah. I'm the, uh, the guy taking it in to be appraised, or whatever.
BUD SELIG. Cool. And I'm the main guy in the show, the appraiser or whatever. What's his name?
JOE TORRE. John Roadshow.
BUD SELIG. John Roadshow. Got it.
ERIC O'FLAHERTY. Okay, guys, I get it. I don't know if this is necessary.
JOE TORRE. Shh! (turns to SELIG, clears throat) So, um, I have this splintered bat and I wanted to see how much you think it's worth.
BUD SELIG. Hmm. Well, it's a baseball bat. It's definitely a part of a baseball bat. It looks to be... from Roger Bernadina's 743rd career plate appearance!
JOE TORRE. Wow! Is it worth anything?
BUD SELIG. Hmm. Well, I estimate that it's worth every dollar that there is in the world. I have called the President. He is delivering all the money in the world to your house.
ERIC O'FLAHERTY. Come on guys, seriously.
JOE TORRE. Wow, I'm rich!
BUD SELIG. Oh no! There is so much money in the world that they're just dropping it all out of an airplane and onto your house! Your house has been destroyed on account of how much money you are owed on account of how much it's worth!
JOE TORRE. Oh no! Destroyed by my own hubris!
BUD SELIG. Now there's no money and everyone else is dead because they can't buy food.
ERIC O'FLAHERTY. Okay, just... I'm leaving. You asked me to come here, so I'm here, and I tried to answer all your questions. There's no need to try to make me feel stupid.
O'FLAHERTY stands up and leaves the room.
JOE TORRE. pffffft hahaha
BUD SELIG. Oh God. Oh Lord, that was funny, Ahhh... okay, before we close the book on the pitching department, let's take a look at Ricky Romero and J.P. Arencibia.
JOE TORRE. Oh, that is precious.
BUD SELIG. Oh God. Well, at least pitchers are being adorable when they aren't being horrible.
JOE TORRE. I wonder whether anyone has rhymed "adorable" and "horrible" in a song.
BUD SELIG. Has anyone written a song about Jeff Francoeur? That song would pretty much have to.
JEFF FRANCOEUR. (stands up, clears throat) Well, not many people know this, but the song "Happy Birthday" was based on events that actually happened to me.
BUD SELIG. You never told me you had a birthday!
JEFF FRANCOEUR. I've had several!
BUD SELIG. (opens notebook, scrawls notes)
JOE TORRE. So! We're five GIFs into proceedings. What have we learned so far?
BUD SELIG. Um, according to my notes, "pitchers everywhere are awful" and "Jeff Francoeur has birthdays."
JOE TORRE. Well, that leaves plenty of work for us to do.