BUD SELIG. The next item on our agenda concerns one Orlando Hudson.
(Via Baseball Nation's Jeff Sullivan)
BUD SELIG. Mr. Hudson, how many outs are in an inning?
ORLANDO HUDSON. Trick question! Two outs, because zero counts.
BUD SELIG. Zero counts? I don't understand.
ORLANDO HUDSON. Yeah. Sometimes zero counts. Like, it counted in Ninja Turtles for the NES. The little lives icon in the corner would show zero lives, but you'd still be alive.
BUD SELIG. But in Super Mario Brothers, zero didn't count. You'd see "Mario x 1" and you knew it was your last shot. Why would you trust Ninja Turtles over Super Mario Brothers with regard to such a basic matter? Super Mario is the default. It came with the console.
ORLANDO HUDSON. Wait, there was a game that came with the console?
BUD SELIG. Uh, yes. I bought one for my children. It came with Super Mario.
ORLANDO HUDSON. To be honest, I only had that cartridge-shaped thing you put in the Nintendo to clean it. I was obsessed with cleanliness. I also had a Game Genie.
BUD SELIG. What was the Game Genie for?
ORLANDO HUDSON. To help it clean better.
BUD SELIG. That wasn't how it worked. Next?
JOE TORRE. Next up is Wilson Betemit. Mr. Betemit, please explain what we're seeing here.
(Via Dan Devine)
WILSON BETEMIT. Well, I had just been traded to the Tigers, and it was my first game with the team. Evidently, in their haste, the Tigers neglected to look at my scouting report.
JOE TORRE. Why do you say that?
WILSON BETEMIT. Well, it's clear I have a good glove. I have both "Wilson" and "mit" in my name. Unfortunately, I do not know how to throw.
JOE TORRE. It's pretty easy. You just hold the ball, swing your arm over your head, and let go.
WILSON BETEMIT. Look, I can't help it. My name is Wilson Betemit, not Wilson Throwbatfield McLeadership. Throwing is easy for you, huh? Well, maybe it wouldn't be so easy if your name wasn't Joe Throwy.
JOE TORRE. My name isn't Joe Throwy. It's Joe Torre.
BUD SELIG. pffffff hahahaha
WILSON BETEMIT. I see.
BUD SELIG. Oh my God. I don't know why "Joe Throwy" is so funny. I'm laughing for no reason. Oh God. Hooo! Okay, next on the agenda is... the entire Washington Nationals infield, pretty much.
DAVEY JOHNSON. As the manager of the Nationals, I will take the blame for this. We committed 800 errors within the span of two innings. It was disgraceful, but in the future, we will--
BUD SELIG. pff
DAVEY JOHNSON. --uh, we will focus more on our defensive drills. It's just inexcusable for us to execute plays to first so inconsistently, and--
BUD SELIG. pffffffHAHAHAHAHA JOE THROWY
JOE TORRE. All right, someone's got the giggles. I call for a brief recess while Mr. Selig gets over his giggles. There's, uh, tell you what, there are restrooms around the hall, and there's a Starbucks just across the--
BUD SELIG. OH MY GODDDDD (buries face in hands, convulses in laughter)