The Next Moneyball: Seven Movies That Hollywood Should Consider

Even though it hasn't received a lot of publicity, it turns out that there's a movie coming out based on the book Moneyball. It will never succeed if the studio doesn't promote it, but if it becomes a surprise hit, you know Hollywood will be looking for more baseball movies to capitalize on the trend.

Here, then, are a few ideas for the good folks in Hollywood. Free of charge! Unless a studio makes one of them, at which point I'll sue everyone.

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Boston Red Sox

Title: Moneyball II: Now Featuring Money

Premise: How an underdog team used smarts and a crap-ton of money to persevere.

Sample from script:

J.D. Drew walks through the Red Sox clubhouse with his agent, Scott Boras

Drew: Hold on. I want a Coke.

He stops in front of a vending machine, and pushes a button. The machine spits a dollar bill out at him.

Boras: That's a dollar, man.

More dollar bills shoot out at Drew.

Drew: What?

Boras: Welcome to Boston.

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San Francisco Giants

Title: Weekend at Miggy's

Premise: Brian Sabean signs an expensive free agent, only to discover a horrible secret before the managing general partner of the San Francisco Giants is scheduled to visit!

Sample from script:

Brian Sabean: Oh, no, oh, no, no. Neukom will kill us when he finds out that the free agent we just signed is dead.

Miguel Tejada: I'm right here.

Larry Baer: We're so fired.

Sabean: What if ...

Baer: You're not thinking ...

Sabean: We make it seem like he's still alive. We'll put sunglasses on him, and tie strings to him ...

Tejada: I'm right here. I feel fine.

Tejada waves his hands in front of Sabean's face

Baer: It could work. It could really work.

Tejada: Look, I'm okay.

Tejada grounds into a double play with no one on and two outs.

Tejada: Dammit.

Sabean: How did you do that, Larry? You're like a wizard.

Baer: Me? I thought you did that.

Tejada: Wait, how did I get in this corn field? Where am I?

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Tampa Bay Rays

Title: The Extra 2%

Premise: Author Jonah Keri is adapting a script for his best-selling baseball book, but he struggles to find the right tone. Meanwhile, his roommate and twin brother Donald Keri sells a murder-mystery screenplay titled "The 1994 World Series" in which Jeffrey Loria, Felipe Alou, and Mike Lansing all search for the same killer ... themselves!

Sample from script:

p. 34
Jonah Keri: Okay. But, I'm saying, it's like, I don't want to cram in no-hitters or home runs or pennant chases, you know ... or characters, you know, learning profound baseball lessons, or growing, or coming to like each other, or overcoming obstacles to win games in the end, you know. I mean ... The book isn't like that, and life isn't like that. You know, it just isn't. And ... I feel very strongly about this.

p. 98
Bob Uecker: Two outs. Bottom of the ninth. Evan Longoria at the plate, representing the winning run. He swings ... he hits it down the line! Get up! Get up! And the Rays have won the World Series! The Rays have won the World Series!

p. 99
INT. - GOODYEAR BLIMP - NIGHT

Andrew Friedman: Look, we'll meet your demands. Just slide the detonator over here.

Terrorist #3: It doesn't work like that, Friedman.

Friedman: GIVE ME THE DETONATOR!

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New York Yankees

Title: Develop a Bunch of All-Stars and Hall of Famers Who Stay Eerily Effective Well into Their Late Thirties and Then Get Expensive Free Agents by Spending All Sorts of Crazy Money Ball

Premise: How the Yankees won by developing a bunch of All-Stars and Hall of Famers who stayed eerily effective well into their late thirties, and then got expensive free agents by spending all sorts of crazy money.

Sample from script::

INT. - YANKEES FRONT OFFICE - DAY

Brian Cashman sits behind a nice mahogany desk, staring into the camera. The title of the movie comes on screen. Cashman continues to stare. The title stays on screen. This goes on for two hours.

FADE OUT

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Los Angeles Dodgers

Title: When Frank Met Jamie

Premise: A charming romantic comedy about two star-crossed lovers.

Sample from script:

Frank McCourt: I think I'll get a 3x3.

Jamie McCourt: Really, Frank? Think about it: what do you get for that extra dollar? An extra patty and cheese? Is that something you can't live without?

Frank: Hmm. I guess not.

Jamie: Wouldn't you be better off just saving that dollar for a rainy day?

Frank: Oh, you're right. You always are.

In-N-Out Employee: Can I take your order?

Frank: Yeah, can I get a double-double?

In-N-Out Employee: Okay.

Jamie: I'd like a cheeseburger, but I was wondering if you had a faith-healer back there who could chew it first and then regurgitate it into my mouth like a mother bird? You know, to get the energy particles in there?

In-N-Out Employee: I don't think ...

Jamie: I have $100,000 in cash if you have one of those.

Frank: You know what I haven't had in a while? A cheeseburger encrusted in gold and palladium. Is it too late to change my order?

Jamie: /buys six houses

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Florida Marlins ('97/'98)

Title: Fish Balls

Premise: Stuck in a dying industry known as baseball, one owner decides to save his fortune by capitalizing on a market inefficiency.

Sample from script:

Dave Dombrowski: Five years in, and we win the World Series? If we keep building the trust of the fan base and get a new stadium one day, we could be Yankees South.

Wayne Huizenga: Bah. This game is dead. The strike killed it, and I want everyone making more than a million dollars traded. No, here's the future.

Huizenga turns on an overhead projector. A picture of a silver cartridge appears on the wall.

Huizenga: SuperCassettes. They hold 10% more information than standard VHS cassettes, and they rewind 25% faster. Every Blockbuster catalog will be converted entirely to SuperCassettes by 2010. We need to focus on this, folks. This is the future. We need to ditch this baseball stuff as soon as possible.

The rest of the people in the room are stunned, unable to speak. Jim Leyland sighs and grabs a pack of cigarettes he was keeping in the rolled-up sleeve of a t-shirt.

Jim Leyland: I hope you can unthaw me in 2010 so I can watch one of those SuperCassettes, Wayne. Sounds like a ******* gas. Meanwhile, I guess we'll just put Andy Larkin in the rotation, or some shit.

Star-divide

New York Mets

Title: Easy Money Ball

Premise: A story about making money hand over fist in a way that can never, ever, ever, ever end.

Fred Wilpon: So I give the money to you ...

Bernie Madoff: Yes.

Wilpon: and then I get a 500% return?

Madoff: Yes.

Wilpon: And there's no risk?

Madoff: None.

Wilpon: And everything's on the level?

Madoff makes one of those scrunchy "pfffft, come on, whaddya doin' to me, come on"-faces, gesturing with open palms and outstretched hands.

Wilpon: I don't see anything wrong with this, then. I'll still need to run it by my financial advisor. Lenny, could you look at this?

Lenny Dykstra: Seems legit, Freddy. Look at this damned brochure! This thing is beautiful. Super glossy. What I'd do is negotiate a bigger return, though. That's what I do with my stockbrokers. The art of the deal, baby.

Dykstra takes a bite out of a cheeseburger encrusted with gold and palladium.

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