This year's idiotic Super Bowl pits two stupid boring teams against each other and promises to be the dumbest game ever. Here's a handy guide detailing your other television viewing options.
Truth being told I am not sure I'm going to watch the unSuper Bowl since the two best teams are sitting at home #ravens #49ers
That tweet comes courtesy of the Ravens
' Brendon Ayanbadejo. If both the 49ers and Ravens had reached the Super Bowl, it would make for an interesting match-up. If just one of them reached the Super Bowl, I would at very least know who to root for.
Man. Patriots and Giants, though. What a dumb Super Bowl. "Ooh, look at me, I'm a quarterback, I'm gonna throw the football, oh look at us, we're the defense, we're gonna sack you, oooh, such a big deal, oooh." No thanks. If you're with me on this, here's a preview of what all the other TV channels will be broadcasting during the Super Bowl:
ABC, 6:30 p.m. ET: ABC World News with David Muir. Hopefully the top story will be David Muir introducing himself and telling us about his hobbies and such. I have no idea who he is because I don't really watch televised news. Not knocking it, because on the rare instance I do watch it, it seems okay, but these days, network news seems to be for the folks who have home telephone service and use Windows 98 and vote and all that weird shit.
Your fellow viewers include: A guy who thinks he was in the same Boy Scout den as David Muir but isn't sure and tunes in to see if he mentions anything about the Boy Scouts or anything
CBS, 6:30: CBS Evening News. They should open this broadcast with, "thank you for joining us, Ethel," because there is a reasonable chance that they will be right!
Your fellow viewers include: Probably Ethel!
Fox, 8:00: The Simpsons. This show is just going to keep going the way it's going and keep going and keep going until eventually it is Rugrats. Rugrats was a pretty alright show.
Your fellow viewers include: your nine-year-old nephew who thinks this is what The Simpsons is and that is so sad
NBC, 6:00: The Super Bowl. Mild-mannered Jim Bowl is bitten by a whatever thing and receives SPECIAL POWERS and whatever don't care
Your fellow viewers include: AS PREVIOUSLY OUTLINED, NOT ME
ABC Family, 7:00: Mamma Mia! I don't think it's fair that some movies get exclamation marks in their titles and others don't. Time to take a Sharpie to my DVD collection and re-appropriate punctuation. The Silence Of The Lambs! Lorenzo's Oil! Airplane!!
Your fellow viewers include: People who are independent enough to watch some musical instead of watching the Super Bowl and being an imaginary "part" of some "event," and you know what, God bless them
Cinemax, 7:50: Big Fish. This movie offers the rare opportunity to watch something unbelievably stupid and just completely bawl your eyes out over it.
Your fellow viewers include: People just like you who are simultaneously openly weeping and realizing that they are total idiots because they seriously just cried at an old man transforming into a catfish while circus ringmaster Danny DeVito and a 10-foot-tall man look on.
Bravo, 8:00: The Real Housewives Of Atlanta. I've never seen this show, but speaking from personal experience, this show probably involves a lot of sweet tea and pinestraw.
Your fellow viewers include: People from other parts of the country who can't figure out why the Hell anyone would think pinestraw is an actual neat landscaping thing.
MOMAXe, 6:30: Man On Fire. This movie is a classic. "Freeze, creep. I'm Detective John Fire. You can't handle a few good men."
Your fellow viewers include: A guy who thought this was a sequel to the tightrope documentary Man On Wire and had already imagined what it was going to be like and is just so disappointed.
ESPNU, 8:00: 30 For 30: The Marinovich Project. Like most "30 For 30" projects, this one really is awesome, and probably my top recommendation for non-Super Bowl viewing.
Your fellow viewers include: Someone who won't admit that they were 45 minutes in before they realized that Todd Marinovich is not Pete Maravich.
TV Land, 8:00: Back-to-back episodes of Home Improvement. The first one features Dave Chappelle as Tim's buddy, and the second one is the one where Tim accidentally sees his sister-in-law naked. Dang it, Tim! How you gonna get out of this one, Tim? Shoot!
Your fellow viewers include: Mark.
WGNAME, 7:30: Five-episode marathon of How I Met Your Mother. This is the show all your friends tell you is really great. It's only sort of okay-ish, but it will enable you to espouse the phrase, "Haha, that's such a Barney move!" with confidence, when it previously rang hollow.
Your fellow viewers include: Painting with a broad brush here, but probably the same people who still insist that Lost was really great.