Beyond The Puppy Bowl: Alternate Bowl Games That Don't Feature Dogs Or Athletes

By Spencer Hall - Featured Contributor

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Jan 30, 2012 - The Puppy Bowl is a fraud, and we should all acknowledge that and move on with our lives. It isn't live, and is instead shot in October. The commentary is anything but spontaneous. The breeds of dog they choose? Fatuous American consumer megabreeds like the Labrador Retriever? The Lab is the Pinot Grigio of dogs, and the Two And A Half Men of breeds. It's fine for your Mom, I guess, but not at the expense of featuring my Brazilian Manslaughter Terrier, and certainly not in place of a fine Rhodesian Baronness Ripper.

In the future we will rely on new alternate Bowls to augment our Super Bowl viewing. Today, we build that bridge to the future by suggesting future pilots for variations on the Puppy Bowl, i.e. "We place things in a confined space and see what happens."

Cat Bowl. Cats are encouraged to socialize in a football environment. They do not, and spend much of the time napping and grooming themselves. (See: "Blogger Bowl" below, minus "grooming.")

Otter Bowl. Otters are released in the football field habitat and encouraged to cavort for several hours on screen. This is all pleasant and fine until live fish are released into the water, and scenes of unimaginable violence result.

Mario Balotelli Bowl. Mario Balotelli, The Man City striker is placed in a large furnished glass case with fireworks, three friends all named Giorgio, several cases of champagne, and a well-stocked home entertainment center. Note: producers have no idea what is going to happen, but promise it will be spectacular.

Buck Bowl. Joe Buck at home on secret camera, muttering about how much he hates himself to the walls and no one in particular. There are 365 Buck Bowls a year.

Boll Bowl. Director Uwe Boll brings his unique vision to Puppy Bowl 2021, creating what he describes as "BloodRayne, but with the dogs." Animals will be harmed in the production of Boll Bowl.

Gluten-Free Friend Bowl. Your friend who has gone gluten-free wants to sit in a box on television and tell you that it's all a lot easier than you think, and that skin condition has really cleared up since my naturopath told me about my wheat allergy, and no, I didn't get that tested by a [makes finger quotes] "Doctor," because he went to school, too, and you're really too narrow-minded about this, it's quinoa, it's the protein shake of South American grains, and wait why did you stop watching after 15 seconds--

/eats entire box of rice crackers

Tim and Eric Bowl. Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim cross-dress, make double-chin faces and uncomfortable mouth-fart noises for four hours straight in human aquarium. You watch for the one part with John C. Reilly.

Third Hour Of Today Show Bowl. Hoda Kotb strangles Kathy Lee Gifford with the ribbon from a Grand Marnier bottle, then revives her, and then strangles her again 15 minutes later.

Freshmen In Philosophy Class Bowl. Team A argues that they don't know the game exists because nothing can be known for certain. Team B points out that if nothing can be known for certain, how can they know for certain that nothing can be known for certain? Team A counter-argues that it does not matter because they are probably all in The Matrix.

Divorced Dad Cooks For The Kids Bowl. The most awkward of the proposed alternate entertainments as Divorced Dad awkwardly asks the camera about school, gets the school grades of his children wrong, forgets to put salt in any of the food. He then holds back tears as he orders pizza and lets the kids pick a movie off On Demand in his sparsely furnished living room.

Maggie Smith Bowl. The legendary British actress is placed on the Puppy Bowl set in Edwardian dress and asked to scowl and comment on items she finds distasteful while holding opera glasses. Ratings outpace the Super Bowl.

Skip Bayless Bowl. Skip Bayless is tied to a chair and exposed to swarms of various stinging insects for four hours. Ratings exceed the Super Bowl. <-----THINK ABOUT IT, ESPN. THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT IT.

Blogger Bowl: Eight dudes with laptops in a giant astroturf-lined football field habitat. Six are Macs. Two are PCs. The six with Macs are pointing at the guys with PCs and laughing. The guys with PCs are like "Nuh-uh, this has Paint. What's yours doing for you, hipster?" Everyone complains about the WiFi and asks for the password to the local network repeatedly. No one moves.

Journalist Bowl: See above, but older, with more PCs, and aired 24 hours after "Blogger Bowl."

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