Baseball's Secret New Year's Resolutions

Bobby Valentine attends a press conference introducing him as the new manager of the Boston Red Sox at Fenway Park in Boston, Massachusetts. (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

While you were rockin' in the new year last night, we were working diligently to uncover the New Year's resolutions of your favorite baseball personalities. Or your least favorite, depending on your rooting interests. We present them to you for your New Year's Day enjoyment.

Baseball's Secret New Year's Resolutions for 2012

San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson: Focus on pitching. The pitching will involve only baseballs. Nothing else.

New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter: Lots and lots of scoring. No gift baskets involved.

Former St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa: Divest stock in all telecommunications companies. Telephones are not reliable anymore.

Fox Sports baseball play-by-play announcer Joe Buck: Join Twitter, send funny tweets, show I have a personality. (Done.)

Fox Sports baseball color analyst Tim McCarver: Learn that S-T-R-I-K-E is a six letter word and that the letter "K" is worth 5 points in Scrabble.

Los Angeles Angels first baseman Albert Pujols: Let new teammate C.J. Wilson wear my 2011 World Series ring on one of his days off. But only until there are two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning.

Texas Rangers President Nolan Ryan: Smile. Once. But make sure no one is looking.

Arizona Diamondbacks third baseman Ryan Roberts: Get endorsement deal for skin cream that keeps your skin looking clear, soft and fresh.

Toronto Blue Jays outfielder Jose Bautista: Lose weight, shrink head and hit 65 home runs. Then see what the critics have to say.

Boston Red Sox manager Bobby Valentine: Invent a wrap with beer-dipped fried chicken as the main ingredient. Sell it at all major league ballparks, except Fenway Park.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington: Read Shawn Green's The Way of Baseball: Finding Stillness at 95 MPH. Then find stillness in the dugout.

Miami Marlins outfielder Logan Morrison: Also Read Shawn Green's book. Go deeper in the study of Buddhism, including a two-week retreat that includes a vow of silence. Looks like LoMo is already on the right path.

San Francisco Giants starting pitchers Tim Lincecum and Matt Cain: Pitch to the score. Otherwise known as throwing a shutout. Every game.

Texas Rangers infielder Michael Young: Play like an MVP in 2012.

Unsigned free agent closer Ryan Madson: Learn how to speed read. And how to speed sign a contract. Especially when the contract calls for a $44 million payout.

Atlanta Braves manager Fredi Gonzalez and Pittsburgh Pirates manager Clint Hurdle: Start local chapters of BAIWA: Bunts and Intentional Walks Anonymous.

Oakland Athletics general manager Billy Beane: Perform nightly acoustic shows with daughter to raise money for new ballpark. Make this song the feature of the show.

New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon: Start an investment club with former Mets outfielder Lenny Dykstra. Could it get any worse?

San Francisco Giants catcher Buster Posey: Start a book club with Miami Marlins outfielder Scott Cousins in which the first book is No Future Without Forgiveness by Desmond Tutu.

Actually, that last one might not be a bad idea.

Happy New Year, baseball fans.

Log In Sign Up

Log In Sign Up

Forgot password?

We'll email you a reset link.

If you signed up using a 3rd party account like Facebook or Twitter, please login with it instead.

Forgot password?

Try another email?

Almost done,

By becoming a registered user, you are also agreeing to our Terms and confirming that you have read our Privacy Policy.


You must be a member of to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at You should read them.


You must be a member of to participate.

We have our own Community Guidelines at You should read them.




Choose an available username to complete sign up.

In order to provide our users with a better overall experience, we ask for more information from Facebook when using it to login so that we can learn more about our audience and provide you with the best possible experience. We do not store specific user data and the sharing of it is not required to login with Facebook.