The Marlins' Home-Run Feature: A Sense Of Scale

Wondering how big the Marlins' home-run feature really is? Thanks to a webcam tracking the progress of the construction, we now have a sense of perspective.

So the new Marlins Ballpark has a webcam that lets you view the progress on the new park. Looks like a neat place. My favorite part is the plan to have three bases, a home plate, and foul lines. That's just good for a baseball game. And as much as we like to make fun of the new Marlins park, there will be baseball played there.

The Astrodome was a pretty miserable place to play baseball, as were most multi-purpose stadiums. It was still baseball. I grew up watching games at Candlestick Park, which was Hades' chamber pot. When I think of all the baseball-related memories I have, though, I never once think of how dilapidated the park was. It's not a big deal.

But a nice park can certainly enhance an experience, and the Marlins' new park sure seems like it has a lot going for it. Nice sight lines, a retractable roof, intimate seating …

And, say, is that some sort of structure beyond left-center field? Curious.

Yes, it's real. And it's … real. Huge. And not make-believe. Real. Now we have a sense of scale that we didn't have before. Here are some things in proportion to the Marlins' new home-run feature.

Gigantic palm trees

Oh, this could be an angle that makes the scale deceiving, or maybe these are the famous dwarf palms we've heard so much about, but it looks like those are gigantic palm trees that are just the right size for picking the teeth that are surely contained within the maw of that home-run structure.

Huge bulldozers

Bulldozers are large machines. So if you were to make a pyramid that was, say, nine bulldozers tall, people would walk by and shriek something like, "Good Lord, that is a tall structure made from bulldozers, which are large machines!" The Marlins' home-run structure is taller than a pyramid of bulldozers.

An enormous cherry-picker

When you want to reach the top of something that extends a few stories high, you bring in the ol' cherry-picker. But it looks like from this angle that a cherry-picker wouldn't be enough to get to the top of the home-run structure. The cherry-picker would have to open up and reveal another cherry-picker, like the mouth from the alien in Aliens.

You might think that this could be a problem if there's something that needs attention at the top of the structure. How will they get there if a cherry-picker can't reach? Don't worry, though: There's a set of stairs and an escalator that leads to the top. How else would you get to the IKEA that's up there?

A human being who is paralyzed in fear

Well, he might be pinned by gravity instead of paralyzed by fear, but that's kind of a po-tay-to/po-tah-to thing. Look at that poor fool, slumped up against a wall in the fetal position, listening to the ungodly hum of the structure, wondering if there's a way to throw some sort of fabulous, multi-colored bone into the air so we can just cut to the next scene in space already. And if that's not possible, he has to find a way to hop on one of those painted clouds, crouch down for a bit, and run to the warp zone after he drops behind the structure. It's his only chance.

A regular-sized baseball stadium
That's probably the only scale you really need, actually. Here is a baseball stadium. There is a structure in the middle of said baseball stadium. Looks big. Here's the foul pole, for example:

The new Marlins' home-run structure is not as tall as a foul pole. So there's that. But with each piece of photographic evidence that comes in, it's starting to look like the new structure is not small. It could be larger than small. It could be, I dare say, really, really, really big.

There are some Florida lawmakers who want to enforce a decades-old law that would require Marlins Park to become a homeless shelter when it isn't in use. Remember, this thing flashes:

I think I can answer for the homeless now, if possible: No. No thanks. And you can scrap the plans for the muffin-stump concession for the homeless while you're at it.

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