Urgent: What Do We Call Jed Hoyer And Theo Epstein?

Thought there wasn't any baseball news in January? Think again. This is the most important decision of the year.

Well, Mr. Hoyer and Mr. Epstein if you meet them in person. Jed and Theo when you get to know them. But as a two-headed GM, it's imperative that they have a combo-name like the folks who comprise Brangelina (Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie), Ben Affleck and Jennifers Lopez and Garner (Bennifer), and CROD! (Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez). It's 2012, our minds are mush because of the barrage of media we're subjected to, and we have no choice.

The good folks over at Baseball Think Factory got the debate started, and we need to settle this before a baseball-nerd civil war breaks out. Here are some of the contenders:

Thed
Simple, succinct. To the point. But as people in the BTF thread point out, it's too easy to mistake for a typo. The "d" key isn't close to the "o" key, so it would be an unlikely typo, but you're not thinking that when reading it. The round part of the "d" makes it especially confusing. Brevity is the soul of a good nickname, but this one is too confusing.

Jedstein
It flows, alright. It almost sounds like a slang term for a distinct ethnic group -- German émigrés who reluctuantly put down roots in the Appalachians, for example. But the best combo names don't have a full name mixed in there. And if they do, it's something that shares a letter with the previous/next name. Like Bennifer or Brangelina. It wasn't Affleckopez or Bradgelina.

Why do we have to create a combo name? Is there something wrong with just "Jed Hoyer and Theo Epstein?" Why do we have to make some dumb shorthand for dumb people who can't be bothered to take an extra two seconds to sound like a grown-up? People are horrible, awful blights on this beautiful planet, and I'm looking forward to the ice caps melting
Hmm. It's in the running. But even though it rolls off the tongue, this one probably isn't a contender because it's too long.

Epstoyer
This is the original one that started the discussion on BTF, and it's from CSN Chicago. It isn't a contender. The names are just mashed together without a scintilla of the grace required for a great combo name.

The Ambiguously Sabermetric Duo
Tempting, but no.

Theoed
This one makes you realize that the -ed at the end of Jed makes it so close to being a good fake-verb suffix, but the "J" keeps messing things up. If you pull off an amazing accomplishment but suddenly become unappreciated, you might have been theoed, for example.

… and a couple of years after I fixed the budget to let the school stay open, the board theoed me because of my controversial position on Pizza Day. I think it worked out for the best, though.

But it doesn't work. And it makes you realize another thing: the real problem is that Jed is a really short name. So is Theo. If there were a way to lengthen one of them …

Jedodore
Only because I don't think that Jedderick is a real name. This one flows, but it's a stretch because Theodore Epstein isn't his real name.

Conclusion:

There is no good mashup name. The names just don't match up. Jed is too short of a name, as is Theo. The best option is either Jedstein or Hoystein, but that just relegates Theo Epstein's role in the nickname to a common suffix. He deserves more.

The findings of this board suggest that the Cubs should fire Hoyer and rehire former Cubs president Andy MacPhail, as EpacPhail is the perfect choice for the 13-year-old-boy-who-just-discovered-the-internet in all of us.

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