"No one man should have all that power." Warrior-poet Kanye West wrote that about doing NFL Power Rankings; having the ability to make or break teams based on pithy rankings is best left to professionals. That's why I've never done them before: I don't think I can handle that type of responsibility. I mean, Shad Khan would probably read them and think "Wow, Bobby Big Wheel thinks the Jaguars stink? I should probably fire Gene Smith because he drafted noodle-armed Blaine Gabbert."
But thanks to the expressive power of GIFs, I can capture teams with such precision that, finally, I can bear this burden. Below please find my September NFL GIF Power Rankings.
1. Houston Texans (4-0)
Already tired of hearing about how well these guys are doing.
2. Atlanta Falcons (4-0)
3. San Francisco 49ers (3-1)
4. Arizona Cardinals (4-0)
Live it up, guys, Kevin Kolb is still your quarterback.
5. Baltimore Ravens (3-1)
They're in the drivers seat in the AFC North.
6. New England Patriots (2-2)
Their record is misleading.
7. Chicago Bears (3-1)
Jay Cutler: franchise quarterback.
8. Green Bay Packers (2-2)
These guys sure were steamed at the scab refs.
9. San Diego Chargers (3-1)
Competition doesn't look too fierce in the AFC West.
10. Minnesota Vikings (3-1)
Nobody was expecting this out of Christian Ponder.
11. New York Giants (2-2)
Looks like a Super Bowl hangover for the Giants.
12. Philadelphia Eagles (3-1)
Why I don't give much credibility to a win over the Browns.
13. Denver Broncos (2-2)
Peyton feels right at home with these guys.
14. Cincinnati Bengals (3-1)
Again, nobody cares if you beat the Browns.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-2)
They're happy that baseball season is over in PIttsburgh.
16. Seattle Seahawks (2-2)
Told you Russell Wilson wasn't tall enough.
17. Washington Redskins (2-2)
Alfred Morris looks like a steal.
18. Dallas Cowboys (2-2)
The dirt bike is Tony Romo.
19. St. Louis Rams (2-2)
You hope that Jeff Fisher magic carries over but it might not.
20. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-3)
Greg Schiano lives his life in one direction.
21. Detroit Lions (1-3)
They weren't ready for their closeup.
22. New York Jets (2-2)
They're remarkably calm for the situation that they're in.
23. Buffalo BIlls (2-2)
They gave HOW MUCH to Ryan Fitzpatrick?
24. Miami Dolphins (1-3)
Uncool Dad Joe Philbin is still figuring this head coach thing out.
25. Indianapolis Colts (1-2)
Future's bright so they can deal with the present.
26. Carolina Panthers (1-3)
Cam Newton just cares too much is all.
27. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-3)
You need to be patient with a young quarterback.
28. Oakland Raiders (1-3)
Talent requires discipline.
29. Tennessee Titans (1-3)
Chris Johnson just needs to be properly motivated.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (1-3)
Chiefs fans can't catch a break
31. New Orleans Saints (0-4)
Much like an interim interim coach, this is not a good idea.
32. Cleveland Browns
That new Browns owner doesn't like what you've done, Holmgren.
Major shoutouts to the fine Redditors who found most of these, and the Internet's Josh Kurp, who found the infomercial ones.