Before Monday Night Football kicked off the Week 4 showdown between the Dallas Cowboys and the Chicago Bears, Jon Gruden was asked by Mike Tirico to compare and contrast the quarterbacking styles of Jay Cutler and Tony Romo. What followed was the extended, barely-coherent ramblings of a full-fledged lunatic. Vague half-truths and exaggerations sewn together with the merest gossamer thread of lucidity before veering off into whatever tangential neuron happened to misfire in the former coach's brain. It really was spectacular.
The transcript of Gruden's bizarre diatribe comes to us courtesy of Doug Farrar at Yahoo! Sports. We've added some embellishments here and there to better drive the point home. Here is his rant, in words and images.
[Cutler]'s a modern-day John Wayne.
Look at the tape -- he's a modern-day Josey Wales!
He gets hit a lot! Hard! But he gets up, and he stays after ya. And I've seen ... this ... kid ... get ... mad.
He doesn't just get mad, he gets PLUM-DOG MAD.
Just like Josey Wales did. Ya got that, Tirico? When he starts feelin' it, this GUNSLINGER ends your night.
He creates more plays for the Chicago Bears than Johnny Lujack did.
Some of these throws take your breath away!
And if Jay Cutler can make enough plays, the Chicago Bears can win tonight, and win any week.
And Tony Romo ... I've seen him break his collarbone! I've seen him break a rib! Puncture a lung!
This is the TOUGHEST COWBOY THEY HAVE IN TEXAS!!!
But at the end of the night, Tony Romo gets more done on his own than any quarterback in pro football.
LOOK AT TONY ROMO CREATE PLAYS WITH HIS LEGS AND HIS ARM.
He has no fear ... I love this song ("God Blessed Texas" by Little Texas) ...
GOD BLESS TONY ROMO ...
They need to change the words of this song. Because without Tony Romo, the Cowboys got no chance. But he is the most dazzling playmaking quarterback in football and I LovewatchinghimRomo.
GOD BLESS TEXAS!!! Make my day, Tirico ... go ahead. Make my day!!!
Thanks for the laughs, Jon! Enjoy your full-blown foray into complete insanity -- because the rest of us certainly are.