Fumblr Week 7: Sorry Andy Dalton, but redheads can't be James Bond

In Week 7, the NFL's fake blogging platform tackles gingers, Gangnam Style, Matt Stafford's career arc, and more. Like photoshops of James Bond that you can never un-see.

Welcome to another week of Fumblr, the NFL's version of Tumblr that should really exist but doesn't because the world is too cruel to provide you with such an untamed expanse of entertainment. So I make stuff up and give you the best of would-be NFL memes. It's a public service that I provide for free thanks to that hard-ass circuit court judge.

RedRifle.fumblr.com

Redlol

NBC's crack graphics team came up with this intro for Andy Dalton, because, uh ... they needed someone to be a worse James Bond than Timothy Dalton? Let's look at every way that this is wrong:

  • Simple details, NBC. Why the "007" when "014" is a nice, easy multiple?
  • Nine times out of 10, when I try to use Dalton's nickname, I say "Red Rocket" instead of "Red Rifle." It's not intentional; "red rocket" is just more established in my vocabulary. So, sorry about calling you a dog's boner, Andy.
  • Nobody says "Cincinnati Red." At all. Ever.
  • No redheaded man can ever be James Bond.

Dalton-bond

"Top o' the mornin'! Th'name's Bond, Jimmy Bond. Now where's me potaytahs?"

This isn't meant as typical Internet ginger-bashing; I have no interest in the "gingers don't have souls" and "kick a ginger" cliches that get tossed around. Redheads are people, too. For the most part.

But do you remember the way some people objected to Daniel Craig as Bond because he's a blond, blue-eyed man? Try to imagine if he were a redhead.

Ginger-bond1

There's nothing cool about James Bond putting on sunscreen.

GangnamCelebrations.fumblr.com

Tolbert-gangnam-style

(via mocksession)

Jppswag_medium

(via @SBNationGIF)

Steviejohnson_gangnamstyle_original_medium

(via jocksandstilettojill.com)

The popular opinion among the Internet cool kids is that Gangnam Style has "officially" jumped the shark -- shark-jumping is NEVER unofficial -- now that Jason Pierre-Paul, Mike Tolbert, and Stevie Johnson all used the dance to celebrate on Sunday. And it's true that they're late to the party: "Gangnam Style" went viral in August, Rampage Jackson showed off his Gangnam skills on The MMA Hour a month ago, and the Bengals' Domata Peko used it for a sack dance three weeks ago.

But rather than this marking the end of "Gangnam Style" celebrations, I hope this is just the beginning. I won't be happy until entire teams are doing choreographed routines in the end zone complete with cheerleaders. That's worth 15 yards on the ensuing kickoff EVERY TIME.

BenIsNotImpressed.fumblr.com

Ben-mckayla

Eh, the original is still better.

(undoctored screencap via KSK)

PoorMattStafford.fumblr.com

Staffordgrass

(via KSK)

If you read Trae Thompson's excellent article on Matthew Stafford's ascent from quarterback prodigy to NFL starter, you know that Stafford has been an immense talent since he was a child. He became a star in Texas in his mid-teens, and continued his path to stardom in his college years. Since turning pro, he's shown that he's capable of brilliance (his 2011 season is a testament to that), but his career is otherwise marred by missed time and erratic decisions.

Oh my God.

No way.

Just like...

Stafford-lohan

HireJoeMorgan.fumblr.com

Lolsaints_medium

On Sunday, Saints wideout Joe Morgan scored the coolest NFL touchdown since Jerome Simpson's flip into the end zone last December. I've watched this GIF probably close to a hundred times, and I still can't believe the presence of mind and balance it would take to slow down to catch an underthrown ball, duck under one defender while keeping your knees off the ground, then upending a second would-be tackler and reversing course to get into the end zone. Not just an incredible play -- a miraculous alignment of chance and physical skill.

The next day, Morgan admitted that he hadn't seen his own highlight on "SportsCenter" because ESPN employs rectum-chomping jackals like Skip Bayless (NOTE: some creative license taken in that description). He took to Gridiron Grunts -- aligned with SB Nation's YouTube channel -- to address any possible controversy about biting the hand that will show him on Monday Night Football in Week 9.

Morgan's elaboration muddies things a bit, particularly the part where he gives more credit to analysts who are former players than to "journalists" like Skip Bayless. Bayless would be the troll king of ESPN regardless of his background, and to call him a journalist gives him credit for work that he hasn't done in years. Bayless is a commentator, the same role occupied by former NFL players like Merrill Hoge, who's barely a sentient geological formation.

There are several routes to commentator: playing the game, covering the game, even joking about the game -- but none of those routes preclude imbeciles, and ESPN has a talent for showcasing them.

IsTimTebowTheStarterYet.fumblr.com

No! The Jets' overtime loss wasn't even Mark Sanchez's fault! Well, I mean, it kinda was, but he also helped out with the comeback that made the loss ultimately more devastating, so he gets another week at the helm. J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

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