maybe i shouldn't have been myself all along - Grant Halverson
This Week In Schadenfreude exposes the dark underbelly of the internet to the light of... the internet. Yeah. This week: all of the stars are deployed at Tom O'Brien, ostrich James Vandenberg, Oklahoma epiphany is aborted, guns are aimed at Oski's nether regions, and Hogville Zen becomes a real religion.
A couple other teams threatened to feature above the fold before having the audacity to win their damn game — you have no idea how painful it was to see Michigan State yank victory from the jaws of defeat after starting a drive at the Wisconsin 11 and punting, or see Texas do the same against Decided Schematic Advantage thanks in large part to the fact that DSA can't figure out how to use his timeouts as well as your average video-game obsessed 12-year old. Damn you, late rescues! Damn you!
Wait. Late rescues, you're all right by me. A late rescue punt return rescues all of us who aren't Cornpack fans. NC State lost to hated Rival UNC by eight points. With under 84 seconds left, they were tied.
1:24, 3 TOs.
Let's go MG
Glennon choking big time right now.
Tom O'Brien starts playing for overtime after the drive starts poorly.
I do not like our chances in OT and not loving this strategy right here.
Are we really playing for overtime? They'll score if they get it back
We run the ball? WTF!!!!!!!
Let's play for the ******* WIN not for OT.
It is physically impossible for a guy to look manly shaking a powder blue pom-pom.
If this backfires, and they pull out a game-winning TD or FG... no one will be able to save O'Brien.
A Pause. The Universe Waits.
UNC returns the punt for a touchdown with 13 seconds left.
It is 4:14 PM.
Game over. **** it
I just be damn
Damn you TOB Damn your soul.
hahahahaha. Awesome way to lose Wolfpack. Deserve every ******* bit of it. Every ******* bit.
JoPa's stored away statue is a better coach than TOB.
OMFG..FIRE HIS ********!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
**** tom o mother ******* Brian.
I am ******* done.
THAT IS ALL ON TOM MOTHER ******* O'BRIEN.
**** you, you ******* cowardly ginger *******
fucc you O'Brien. You fuccing piece of pshit. Pussie assed *****.
holy jeebus krist almighty what the heck my gawd loller
GO TO HELL TOM O'BRIEN.
GO TO HELL YOU ***** ************.
that is some total NC State **** right there.
Done. Over. Where are you sunshine assclowns now. Same **** over and ******* over again.
I want that ************ away from our university.
Tom Obriem can go to ******* hell. He can suck my dickig ****. He can rot in hell. I will never pull for that ******* ***** again in my life. They will never get another cent from me for anything ever again. He can a solution die in afire for all I care. He has ruined this program with his vagina ********. Rot I hell ******.
GO TO HELL TOB YOU WIMP SUPPLY CLERK.
FIRE THIS STAFF IMMEDIATELY.
GO TO HELL TOB. DON'T COME BACK TO RALEIGH YOU PIECE IF **** COWARD.
"I just be damn" guy is the best guy.
NC State, you obtain the Tears of Unfathomable Sadness you never thought were coming, just like your entire football program's existence. At least you have that game against FSU—seriously, that was pretty sweet.
The rest of the week in spleen:
At least Georgia Tech didn't lose to Middle Tennessee State by a billion points. They lost to BYU by a billion points. Aftermath:
OFFICIAL Disappointment Thread
nedleeds: I'm just happy I can criticize CPJ without getting my dick bitten off anymore. Everything I said has come true. All hail me as the prophet.
ThomsonJacket: pull up your thong Nancy. We have been thru worse
That big crying smiley is a thing, apparently. Another thread about how the people on the forum are lame:
Cool it on the "cutesy" thread titles with sentence fragments.
Lame, hack, and unoriginal describes 90% of the content on this (and every other) internet forum. Waiting for some genius to post that giant crying smiley face in this thread to further reinforce the point.
Very next post:
Took longer than I thought it would.
Meanwhile, yet another candidate for Message Board Zen Of The Year that will lose by all the fake points to "False hope is worse than death":
Sky is falling? This is the beginning of the recovery*
* As long as the next guy isn't worse and actually has some business sense.
That's in a thread debating who was having a bigger hissy, the independent Sting Talk or the Rivals affiliate. Verdict:
So in terms of fandom,
Hive = cavemen
Stingtalk = spacemen
Stingtalk is Gary Johnson
WOO VOTE STINGTALK
Rutgers lost its undefeated season to Kent State, which sounds really bad but Kent State's only loss this year is by 40+ points to Kentucky … hmm. It may be bad. It's time for The Worst Adjectives I Can Think Of:
our pathetic play just cost us all the respect some were giving us and confirmed the haters and doubters that we are trully over rated!! what a shameful performance
Also there are Randomly ALL CAPS Words to bandy about:
We got outplayed in EVERY SINGLE ASPECT of the game as well as COACHING. Moreover, our weaknesses showed big time. … Everyone saw this for the first 7 games and we crowed how talented the team was. Well we perhaps finally ran into a team and coach that disected it and abused us for ALL 4 QUARTERS. We have just pschyed up our last four opponents. We are VERY beatable.
I'm not sure I can even disagree with this:
That was F'ing Embarassing. We just got SMOKED by Kent St. I hope a fire was lit under this team's ass because that was embarassing to lose to a team of that caliber where we have 10X the talent. I can't say anything more than that I was so pissed at the game. I would have felt 100% better losing to Temple.
Big East, man. The nation's second most-embarrassing major conference. Who's number one, you ask? Well…
Via spanking new Illinois blog The Champaign Room comes Yet Another Craigslist Classified Joke, this one aimed at Purdue. At least this one's pretty good:
Purdue fans were transitioning into the "right, that's awful, who's next?" phase of a coaching demise even before Danny Hope got the dreaded Vote of Confidence from his athletic director and will be spending the next few months looking longingly at Kevin Sumlin and scouring the MAC ranks for a likely-looking candidate.
Iowa picked up three delay of game penalties in a dismal loss to Northwestern, one of them when it was in a hurry-up offense. Some discussion of the weird play-clock setup at Northwestern ensues…
RossWB: They're inconvenient, but three delay of game penalties is still inexcusable.
chitownhawkeye: And he's [Iowa QB James Vandenberg] a senior. While he may not have started, he had been there before and seen the layout. That’s something you’ve always got to be aware of
…and then a poster comes in to murder the Iowa offense.
Give Eddie a Beer: Well, considering he can only see 5 yards downfield, I think it’s safe to say he couldn’t see the clocks at all.
It's already dead, sure, but double tap. Iowa's leading receiver in that game, Kevonte Martin-Manley, had seven catches … for 46 yards.
broke-down our no-huddle offense. we went 33 yards in 9 plays using 3 minutes which also included a delay of game penalty, the good news was that we only need 24 more yards at the time to get a score and we still had 2 and a half minutes left. the bad news is that we needed to score twice. …
I watched this live, incredulously. I'm with this guy, our Scott Tenorman of the Week:
I’M JUST F--KING PISSED OFF. JUST HAD YOUR F--KING MANHOOD STRIPPED OF YOU DEFENSE… THEY RAMMED IT UP YOUR ASS AND THEN BACK DOWN YOUR THROAT. TIGHTEN IT UP! PATHETIC! YOU BETTER LEARN HOW TO BEAT TEAMS YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BEAT IN A HURRY BECAUSE INDIANA IS LICKING THEIR CHOPS AT STEPPING ON THE THROATS OF A WOUNDED DOG IOWA TEAM…
That last bit about Indiana is shameless hyperbo—
Holy God, that last bit about Indiana is 100 percent true. BIG TENNNN
Oh hey here's a post from A Lion Eye after Illlinois lost to Indiana by two touchdowns. It's titled "Garbage." All right then. Fair enough.
Oklahoma has lost again. Both teams they have lost to are undefeated. So that's something.
What's this? RAGE subsides in the aftermath. A great gentle peace descends as Sooner fans realize that, hey, sometimes you're just not gonna win. Sometimes the bear eats you. It's just a game. Everything's going to be all right:
Personal Transformation After the Game
Immediately after the game, while returning to the car, I had that familiar sick feeling that I've had after the home losses I've attended: OSU in 2001, TCU in 2005, K-State this year, etc.
I was mad at the refs.
I thought our linemen on both sides of the ball got pushed around.
I was mad at Josh Heupel.
I was mad at Mike because the defense again wilted in the fourth.
I thought Stoops coached a tight, conservative ballgame, unlike the whooping we put on Texas a couple of weeks ago.
Then, amazingly, I decided to watch the recording of the game when I got home. Weird how different it looked the second time. In reality:
The refs did make a couple of mistakes but not the ones I thought they made in the stadium. … Our linemen did get pushed around a bit, but not by a big measure. … Heupel called a decent game. … Our defense did a very solid job. …
Takeaway: it was a great football game. If I were a casual football fan with no allegiances it would have been fun to watch. As a Sooner fan it sucked to lose, but we lost to a very good team. …
As a fan of college football, I was thrilled to have gone to the game. The Sooner fans were outstanding and the atmosphere was electric. Wish we would have come out on the other side.
We're good, you guys! We're finally good! THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE IS OVER FOREVER
Nuked: Your well thought out arguments based on maturity and level-headedness have no place on the internet.
Spade1000: Ban the OP
Yuck FU: Guru is one of the biggest sunshine pumpers on the board. What else would you expect from him? Sounds like he DID let his inner Gloomer Doomer out for a little while. So there may still hope for him.
soonerUthenMe: Anytime a team and fan base has the attitude of. Hey we gave it our best shot then thats weak shit. [ed: seriously, his username has a usage error]
THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE CONTINUES
Via SMQB, this week's brief detour into the horror of Colorado football:
In case you can't tell, they played Oregon this week. In related news, here's how AllBuffs gameplanned a week ago:
Barney just on 102.3 said if he was coaching he would go 3 TE's and run it every play. Why not?
TE's? Hell, I think our TE's are faster than most of our WR's... split out the TE's and have them go kill people on the outside.
or just don't even play them and instead go all OL. **** it.
Now you're thinking, forget even using a QB.
TE OL OL OL OL OL OL TE
te ol ol ol ol ol te te
DL TE TE OL OL TE TE DL OL TE
All of these plans would have been better than what actually transpired.
Cal is at the end of the Jeff Tedford Era. They play Washington next week.
Note the crotch gun above. Also:
Cal’s last Rose Bowl was on New Year’s Day, 1959. Half of the students around back then are probably dead by now. At least they had their patience.
And well done, SBN Cal site, well done:
Also, I love the url:
You will be blessed by the munificence of Bankoff soon. Soon indeed.
Yeah, worse things probably happened in the SEC this weekend but you don't care, I don't care, nobody cares. It's time to go back into Hogville after Arkansas dropped a narrow game to Ole Miss. Preemptive apologies: "Your search - armadillo site:hogville.net - did not match any documents."
Anyway, so here's how Razorback fans are doing.
I'm tired of it all and ready to let "pondwater jack" or "forest city joe" take a shot !
am I venting? YES I'm venting !! I can't stand to lose to Ol Miss. WE were off 2 weeks and got a punt blocked, out qb missing wide open receivers, defense never cover middle of the field all day, ol miss ran same play over and over , do we practice? We don't have a coach.
Holy crap, Arkansas fans you guys are just all amazingly pithy at everything.
The Goodbye JLS Countdown
We can make it hog fans! Support these players and we only have 36 more days of the clown in charge.
Not that. First reply:
Sure sucks to wish away the time of year I wait all year for.
Aw, man, Arkansas bros. I feel for you.
A few hundred miles down the road at Auburn, the eagle is considering exiting stage right.
go go go
COME BACK COME BACK YOU'RE OUR BEST QUARTERBACK
The Tigers lost by all of the points to Texas A&M. A small dancing child in a tiger outfit was the best entertainment available. Literally.
The state of Tennessee football, you ask?
Can someone do some research and find information on schools that are paying the largest amounts of money to fired coaches in all sports? Probably a website already devoted to it, but I’d love to see it. What we’re going to pay yet another fired coach has got to be in some sort of top 10.
This is dubbed "The Hamilton Cup" by Rocky Top Talk wags. Someone get on that.
NEXT WEEK: TCU lights up WVU for all the points. A Lion Eye sniffles on national television as Ohio State obliterates Illinois. Rich Rod may send Bruins Nation into another conniption fit. Alabama or LSU combusts! USC meets Oregon! JESUS CHRIST CAN COLORADO STOP PLAYING TOP 20 TEAMS. STANFORD BE NICE.
Check the national college football scoreboard right here, and look through SB Nation's many excellent college football blogs to find your team's community.