Good morning everyone, it's Monday, and that means making an awesome meal to celebrate a sporting event. Today, we'll be making a dish for tonight's North Carolina and Mississippi State basketball game. Carolina has some nationally known foods, and yours truly was born in North Carolina. MSU however, was a mystery to me. As usual, when I need help with a school's regional menu, I've enlisted the help of SBNation's own MSU blog, For Whom the Cowbell Tolls. What I've prepared for you today will be worthy of your finest Maui Invitational watch party, or maybe just dinner on a paper plate if the remote is lost and the TV is stuck on ESPN2. Today, we make kebabs on a bed of rice pilaf. FANCY! You may think you need a extra fork to eat this with. Trust me, you don't. Let's get cooking!
STEP 1: First, let's work on the rice. Mississippi State is an agricultural school, so the rice base is where we'll put a lot of their ingredients. Rice is very easy to make. All you need to do is buy a premade pouch. Ignore the instructions on the back. Instructions are for the weak. Instead, dump it into a hot pan with oil!
STEP 2: Push the rice around the pan until you hear noise. Whenever something is frying properly, it will pop, crackle and spit oil into your face. This means it's working! If there's smoke, don't worry. If smoking meats is good, what's wrong with smoking rice?
STEP 3: This rice isn't sticking together very well, is it? We need a bonding agent. Think of it like superglue, only you can eat it more than once. Luckily, Mississippi has another crop that might help us. Peanuts!
FOODTIP: Be careful! Opening the jar and looking inside is akin to looking into the iris of God.
STEP 4: Grab a handful of PBJ and toss it into the rice. Remember to stir it around to mix the chicken and grape flavors! The rice will slowly start to become darker and congeal. This is just the deliciousness setting in.
STEP 5: Add some cheese for no reason. Cheese needs no excuse.
STEP 6: Put the rice aside and let's move on to the kebabs. Kebabs seem easy, don't they? Just put stuff on a stick. But maybe you don't HAVE sticks. Who just has foodsticks laying around without a corndog already on them? Let's dig around and find something to skewer these kebabs with.
Look at that! Using cutlery as PART of the meal! That's some Food Network type shit right there. Next week, we'll eat cereal on a meat cleaver!
STEP 7: We'll need food for our skewers. Let's open the freezer and see what we have to work with...
When humanity is eventually annihilated by a giant meteor, I dream the legacy we leave behind is our images stamped into a substandard poultry chunk.
STEP 8: Open the FUN NUGGETS (the fun is mass extinction!). Pile some onto a microwave safe plate with some leftover Bachelor Rectangles. Fact: All the plates you have are microwave safe because they're either paper or old Tupperware lids.
STEP 9: This is a good start, but we'll need something a little more complex in our kebabs. This looks like it's for a 10 year old boy. We're 38 years old. We can do better. Let's slice up an old standby of ours.
LUNCHEON BRICK RIBBONS
STEP 10: Take a pair of scissors and cut up a Hot Pocket. Don't worry, the stuff inside is still frozen in the middle, so it won't fall out of our kebab!
STEP 11: What's that? We're missing something from Carolina? Oh, don't worry. I always save the best for last, and Carolina is getting the signature element of this dish. Let's start with pulled pork. I bought some at the store! It's probably the best barbeque pork in the world, right?
My ideas are never simple, Lloyd.
STEP 12: Pork is okay. But I know you've said to yourself: "How can I eat barbeque pork on the go? Why don't they make it in a small little bite-size bit? It's just so messy!" Well, I have a solution to all of that. Kind of!
THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR J-E-L-L-PORK
STEP 13: I chose cherry Jello because it vaguely reminds me of Carolina's favorite beverage: Cheerwine! Cheerwine is basically just cherry soda, but it's revered in those parts. Mix up the Jello by pouring water into it that is hot, and then some water that is cold. It's strange because it's chemistry. But it works! Then just start spoonin' in the meat!
STEP 14: Be sure to mix it all up! Then, pour into an ice cube tray so it's easily broken off later for our kebabs.
STEP 15. Toss that shit in the fridge for like a day. As for the rest of the meal ingredients? Just wrap the rice pan in a garbage bag and toss it in the fridge too! It'll keep. That's what all the preservatives do!
STEP 16: After a day, extract your Jellpork from the fridge.
STEP 17: You'll need to scoop out each little gelatinous meatcube carefully! Grab a fork and start prying them out and place them aside.
STEP 18: Almost done now! Let's bring out the skewers and other ingredients. If they are cold, microwave them until they are happy again.
STEP 19: As you can see, I've added a powdered cinnamon donut to each one. Donuts are amazing and already come pre drilled for skewers! Begin transporting the Jellpork to the ends of the skewer. Then place them on top of your rice bed from yesterday.
STEP 20: Last but not least, cap off each end with a giant Tangball! You're done! And when you've finished with the kebab, just use the greasy fork to eat the rice!
Enjoy the game, everyone, and eat up!